


Psychiatrist

by nonamenuisance



Series: The Darkness We All Know [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Additional Warnings Apply, Angst, Asexual Character, But every 5th chapter is from Levi's, Celibate Character, Dependent personality disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Doctor/Patient, F/M, HAPPY ENDING I SWEAR THERE'S HAPPINESS HERE, Hurt/Comfort, I Spell Hanji, Insomnia, Manga Spoilers, Mental Health Issues, Modern AU, Mostly Hanji's POV, No Smut, Non-Binary Nanaba, Non-binary character, OCD, Other, POV First Person, Panic Attacks, Poetry analisys cause Levi's a poetry nerd, Polyamorous relationship, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pretending To Be Married, Renfield Syndrome, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, Social Anxiety, Soldier Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Unreliable Narrator, Unrequited Love, female!hange, flower symbolism, psychiatrist, well... somewhat happy...
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-04
Updated: 2017-05-26
Packaged: 2018-05-11 15:00:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 18
Words: 47,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5630830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nonamenuisance/pseuds/nonamenuisance
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hanji works as a Psychiatrist, and on most days, can honestly say she loves her job. The days that Levi comes in though, those are the hard ones.  He just sits there and reads, refusing to talk about anything, until one day he comes in with a request for Hanji.</p><p>"Will you pretend to be my wife for a month?"</p><p> </p><p>  <b>Note: rape/non con tag is included due to certain character's backstories.  It is mentioned briefly and no graphic detail is given.  No rape/non con takes place in this story's timeline.  The same goes for the underage warning.</b></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. You Want What?!

**Author's Note:**

> This story is inspired by _A Forged Wedding_ , by mistyhollowdrummer, on Fanfiction.net. I have their permission to write and post my story. If you like Ereri, you should go read it. Even if you don't like Ereri, you should still read it. _A Forged Wedding_ is fantastic.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “People think that a liar gains a victory over his victim. What I’ve learned is that a lie is an act of self-abdication, because one surrenders one’s reality to the person to whom one lies, making that person one’s master, condemning oneself from then on to faking the sort of reality that person’s view requires to be faked. The man who lies to the world is the world’s slave from then on. There are no white lies, there is only the blackest of destruction, and a white lie is the blackest of all.” Ayn Rand

A psychiatrist is a wonderful thing to be, unless you have Corporal Levi Ackerman for a patient. Levi is... difficult. I had been seeing him for two months, yet I still knew nothing more about him than what his military medical file said. “PTSD, stress-induced OCD, and difficulty sleeping.” He wouldn’t talk to me; would just limp his way over to my sofa, snagging one of my many books on the way, and read. It was painfully obvious Levi didn’t want to be here. On his third visit, I asked him why he bothered coming. He told me that while he had been deployed in Krovla, he was shot. The doctor said it would take at least a year and a half before it would fully heal, since the bullet chipped his femur. Due to that, the Army thought it would be best if Levi was honorably discharged. Apparently though, his superior officer “Commander Eyebrows,” gave Levi a bit of an ultimatum. Said that unless he visits me for the year and a half recovery period, he wouldn’t receive a pension. Since the state of his leg prevents him from having a decent job, he appears in my office once a week.

“Commander Eyebrows,” commonly called Erwin Smith by everyone but Levi, is a friend of mine. We both went to Mitras University; shared a few anatomy classes. I wanted anatomy because of my love for science, while Erwin thought it would be useful in making terrorists give up information. I had laughed at him when he first told me that. I later realized that he had been serious.

After graduating, Erwin joined the Army, climbing the ranks to Command Sergeant Major faster than seemed humanly possible. After Levi told me that Erwin specifically told him to visit me, I decided to call the Commander and question him as to why he was forcing this grumpy little Corporal to visit me.

Erwin—being the secretive bastard that he is—refused to answer any of my questions, simply stating that he considered Levi a friend and knew I could help him. He said that something happened when Levi was shot in Krovla. He didn’t say what, and I appreciated that. Levi needed to get to the point where he would trust me enough to tell me himself.

That didn’t mean I wasn’t itching to know though. An injury in the Army would certainly explain the PTSD and trouble sleeping, but his stress-induced OCD was a mystery to me. Levi’s OCD manifested itself in an obsession with cleanliness. For the two months I’d been seeing him, he would come into my office with his hands dried out from over-washing, fingertips red and raw from scrubbing things. He carried a mini bottle of hand-sanitizer in his left coat pocket, and refused to use the restroom in my office because it was “nasty.” I can’t ask him about it directly though. Whenever I try that tactic, he closes off even more than usual. So we just sit and read, occasionally discussing our books, talking about our week, and debating whether my office is truly clean or not.

It was the last day in November, a Friday, and Levi would be coming in for our ninth session together. I had arrived at the office early, and was rushing around trying to dust off my bookshelves. The trash had been taken out, and I had vacuumed the Asian rug the previous Wednesday. I had started this weekly cleaning ritual after only a few meetings with Levi. I didn’t want to give him a chance to use my messy office as a stalling tactic to avoid discussing more personal things.

Since yesterday had been Thanksgiving, I was hoping that Levi might be in a better mood, however impossible that seemed. Maybe I would be able to get him to talk about any family or friends that had visited yesterday.

I glanced up at the clock as I ran my rag over one of the many stacks of books that I didn’t have shelf space for. I had run out of bookshelf room both in my apartment and here in my office. I’m still not entirely sure how I managed to do so, considering how every wall in both places were covered in floor-to-celling shelves.

The time said 2:55, so I packed up my cleaning supplies and took a last glance around the room, making sure there were no greasy smudges on the leather couch from where I ate Moo Goo Gai Pan the day before. Finally satisfied, I plopped down in my easy chair and grabbed my current read from an end table.

Before I could get more than a page in though, Levi swung the door open, breaking my concentration. He looked more exhausted than usual, with dark bags under his bored looking eyes. I could see the tell-tale bulge of his hand sanitizer in the pocket of his dark jeans. With barely a glance in my direction, he limped his way to the sofa and started reading through the titles.

"Hey Levi! How are you today?”

“Doing fine.” He was closely examining a fairly large book I had recently purchased. It was a collection of Edgar Allan Poe’s work, and had a beautiful image of a raven on the dust jacket.

"You a fan of Poe?” I asked, hoping to get a conversation started.

Levi gave a non-committal grunt and—after inspecting the state of the sofa—gingerly lowered himself onto it, keeping his injured leg extended. He cast a slightly disgusted look around the room, eyes lingering briefly on the papers scattered on my mahogany desk, disapprovingly glancing at some crumbs gathered on the carpet that had escaped my notice up ‘till now.

“Did you have a good Thanksgiving?”

He simply hummed and cracked open the tome in his hands.

I chuckled a bit. “Ok, fine. You can read for a bit, but you will tell me about your week before I let you go.” I emphasized my words with a sharp poke of my finger in his direction. Getting Levi to talk could be like pulling teeth. I had told Erwin as much when I talked to him last, but the man seemed convinced that somehow I would be able to reach him.

Levi sighed and turned a page. This man will be the death of me. I had always considered myself to be a very patient and understanding person; I was so fascinated by the human nature that I was perfectly willing to put up with a lot of crap if it meant that I could learn more about humanity in general. Levi though, he tested me in ways I hadn’t thought possible. I had never known another person like him. With an almost silent groan, I leaned over and picked up my own novel as well, quickly loosing myself in a world of art thieves, drug scandals, and friendship.

Several chapters later, I was jerked out of my fictional world by Levi’s shuffling. I watched as he gingerly readjusted his legs. He glanced up at me and quickly looked back down as soon as we’d made eye contact. A minute later, he scooted closer to the center of the couch and gave another quick look at me. Then he gave a deep sigh.

It was strange. Levi never moved this much normally, instead sitting as still as possible, almost as if he was trying to blend in with the sofa in the hopes that I would forget he was there. Assuming that if he really wanted something he’d ask, I returned my eyes to the story in front of me.

When Levi dropped his book into his lap with a hitched breath, I gave into my curiosity.

“What’s bothering you?” I closed my book around my finger to mark my place.

“I, uh…” Levi swallowed thickly. He started tapping his fingers methodically on his knee. “My great-grandparents are coming from France to stay with me for the month of December. It’s my grandfather’s 100th birthday soon, and he wants to spend Christmas with me.”

“Is that causing you a lot of stress that you feel like you need to talk about?”

“No, that’s not it. Actually, I,” He paused, finally meeting my eyes, “I need your help.”

My finger slipped out of its place, loosing my page as I jerked forward in my seat to be closer to Levi. “Really? What can I do for you?”

This was a big step for Levi. Requesting my help wasn’t something he had ever done before. Maybe he was getting more comfortable around me? Trusting that I really could help him? I could only hope.

He winced, fingers tapping faster. “They think I’m married.”

“Okay,” I dragged the word out in confusion. “Why do they think that?”

“Because I told them I was, you idiot!” He snapped, finally making eye contact before quickly looking down again. “My grandmother has no sense of personal space and keeps calling me since I’ve been discharged, asking if I have a girlfriend, what job I’m going to get once my leg heals, whether my pension is enough to live on. She just won’t stop. I finally just told the woman I was married, hoping she’d leave me alone, but no! Of course not! Now she’s decided to drag my ancient grandfather all the way over here from Stochess to meet my wife!”

By the time he’d finished his little rant, his cheeks were flushed and one hand was clenched into a tiny fist while the other twitched rapidly on his leg. “I need you to be my wife for a month. Please. Trust me, I’d rather ask anybody else.”

I couldn’t help but get distracted by the sheer volume of what Levi had said. He’d just spoken more then he had in all our previous sessions together combined.

“If I’m the last person you want to ask, then why are you asking me?” I asked, finally grasping what he had actually said.

He shot me a glare. “Because you are the only person I know who isn’t deployed in Krolva.”

Wow. He had been back in Trost for two months, and didn’t know anybody? No friendly mailman, or any neighbors? Not only that, but he didn’t have any old college friends? No one? I was shocked, but then again, Levi was an introvert. I was the opposite; needed people to survive. I guess he didn’t.

The full realization of what he was asking me to do finally sank in. He wanted me to help him lie to his great-grandparents? That was awful! From the things Levi said, his great grandmother was just concerned about his wellbeing. Would I be allowing his physical and mental health to decline by agreeing to this? Or would the stress of his family discovering his lies push him past his breaking point? Either I enable him in continuing to block people out instead of letting them help, or I let him face the consequences of his actions and potentially risk his having a break down from the stress that comes with being caught spinning a web of falsehoods.

Neither option was good. Damn him. He’d boxed me into a corner without even realizing it. Now granted, if I refused, Levi might very well be ok. His grandparents could be accepting, and forgive him. But still. Could I take that risk? What if they reacted poorly and left? Then he’d be left alone, with nothing but regrets and whatever monsters lurk in his memories. That wouldn’t end well.

But on the other hand, if I did help him, if I did play along with this lie, what would result from that? Eventually, his great-grandparents would learn the truth. This wasn’t something that could be kept secret forever. They would ultimately learn the truth and it would hurt so much worse, potentially causing even more damage to their relationship than it would otherwise.

“Hanji, I need an answer! They come in tomorrow!”

“What?! You waited until the day before they arrive to ask me? And you called me the idiot?” I looked up at him, noticing how his narrow eyes had widened, giving him a desperate look that was unusual to see.

Levi sighed, sounding completely exhausted. “They didn’t tell me they were coming until last night. Didn’t want me to have time to invent an excuse as to why they couldn’t."

“Well I guess that explains the dark circles under your eyes.” I mutter more to myself than him.

Family was not my strong suit. Would I even be able to pretend to be somebody’s partner? How exactly does one be a wife? Having never had a good example of one outside of books and television, I had no idea. When in doubt though, I could always just fall back on stereotypes, as much as that thought pained me.

“I… I know I’m going to regret this, but I have a few conditions before I’ll agree to help.”

Levi groaned in annoyance.

“Hey, if you want my help, shut up and listen,” I snapped. “I won’t take time off from work to hang out with your family. There are other patients that need my help too. You’d also have to pay someone to keep an eye on my pets because I’m assuming you wouldn’t want me to bring them?”

He looked wary. “That depends on the kind of pets.”

“Pythons. Sonny is an acid morph ball python, and Bean is a blood python. I can’t just leave them, unfortunately. Their tanks have to be kept at the right temperatures with a very specific moisture content. They’ll need to be fed a few times as well.” I should probably be able to ask Eren to keep an eye on them. He’d always seemed interested in having pet snakes of his own, and his guardian Hannes was always very encouraging towards whatever hobbies he developed.

“Hell yeah, I’ll pay for a snake sitter. You’re not bringing them anywhere near my apartment. Do you know who you’re gonna ask?”

"Uh, yeah. I think so."

"Good. You have my address from the patient file, right?" He asked as he gingerly stood, leaning heavily to the right.

Casting a quick glance at the clock, I saw we still had fifteen minutes left.

“Wait! You can’t go yet.” I called. “Our session isn’t over, and you still haven’t told me about your Thanksgiving.”

Levi gave me his signature dead-pan expression. “You are a horrible person, Hanji.”

“I know, but I happen to be the only person you know in Trost, right? You have to like me somewhat, especially considering you just proposed.” My mouth stretched into a huge Cheshire-Cat grin as I leaned back in my chair.

“I did not propose.” He huffed, crossing his arms and looking for all the world like a pouting teenager.

"So...?" I prompted.

"Thanksgiving was fine.”

“No no no, not nearly good enough. Details, Levi. What did you eat? Anybody call you? What’d you do?”

His head dropped a little. “I ate leftover Mexican food and cleaned the entire apartment twice. You already know my grandparents called. So did Commander Eyebrows.”

Apparently I made a face, because Levi got irritated. “Don’t give me that look! I don’t want pity, sympathy, or whatever the hell that face means. I enjoyed myself very much.”

Pulling himself to his feet again, he continued. “Their plane lands at nine am, so you should show up no later than eight to get your stuff settled in.” He turned to leave.

“Do you want me to bring the Poe compilation?” I called teasingly. He seemed to be really enjoying the book.

Levi stared at me for a moment, glancing briefly to the book, then back to me. “Yes. That’d be nice.” He said blandly before turning and slowly walking out.

I let out a big sigh as soon as the door swung shut behind him. What had I just done? Was I really willing to spend a month with Levi, pretending to be his wife, lying to his family? They obviously cared about him. They didn’t deserve this. But… A thought struck me. Yes, while helping would be enabling a destructive behavior in Levi, it would also get me closer to him. I would be spending an entire month living with him. During that time, I was bound to learn more about him, which in turn would help me get through to him better. And yet, family was something precious—sacred even. It was a gift that not everyone was given, and Levi’s scheme could do some very serious damage to his. Someone to love you unconditionally, wanting nothing in return, willing to walk with you through the darkest paths of life; Levi had that. He had that, and was willing to risk it in order to avoid a few questions from someone who cared.

I finally stood from my chair, realizing I had been staring into space since Levi left. My patient schedule gave me twenty minutes of time after each session, reserved purely for recording our conversations and taking notes on new developments. Walking over my desk, I dropped gracelessly into my rolling chair and began to update my notes on Levi. His document was the smallest out of all my patient files. After typing in the date, I wrote out a transcript of all we said. My eidetic memory was both a blessing and a curse; I could clearly remember all my sessions—making my fellow doctors at the Trost Psychiatric Clinic jealous, seeing as how they had to record all their sessions—and yet I also was unable to forget things that would be much better forgotten.

 _“Still antagonistic. Willing to lie to get others to leave him alone. Has he lied to me?”_ I doubted he would have been able to; I prided myself in my ability to read others, after all. _“Need to go over every previous transcript to look for inconsistencies. Has only Erwin Smith, outside of his grandparents. Where is rest of family? So far has made no efforts to adjust back to civilian life; still isolating himself. Why?_ ”

 

* * *

 

 

I finished up with the rest of my patients and made it back to my apartment by 7pm. After heating the remnants of my moo goo gai pan, I started packing the basics for my stay at Levi’s.

No need to bring a pillow or towel. Levi should have plenty of those. Besides, having one towel or pillow case that didn’t match the rest could hint to the grandparents that something was up. After shoving all my underwear into the largest suitcase I owned, I went over to the closet. A fancy outfit or two, maybe a pair of grungy cloths, four sets of pajamas, and enough clothes to last two weeks without washing.

After setting out all the toiletries I thought I’d need, I noticed that my stash of feminine products was incredibly low. My period was typically light and short, but it was accompanied by cramps so severe that it caused vomiting. I was hoping I’d skip this coming month as I frequently did, but just in case I made a mental note to pick up some more tampons.

As I worked, my mind kept coming up with ways this little adventure of mine could go terribly wrong. It really wasn’t the smartest decision I’ve ever made, that much was obvious. I was going to shack up with a guy I hardly knew. What if he was secretly a creepy rapist? Maybe he tortured puppies for fun on the weekends? Or he could be a mobster. Levi did look like he could be a mobster, or at least a thug of some sort. There would certainly be times that his family wasn’t around, leaving just him and me alone in his house with plenty of time for him to reveal that he moonlights as a serial killer.

Shaking my head, I banished my overdramatic, worst-case-scenario thoughts. I was very, very good at reading people. Not to mention, Erwin was friends with him, and Erwin was the cleverest, least gullible person I knew. I would be completely safe. In an effort to boost the confidence that had been damaged by my traitorous thoughts, I sent Levi a quick text just to give him my number. I had made note earlier of his address and cell number when I was working on his file.

Finally deciding that I was done stressing for the night, I slipped into bet with my laptop, determined to finish watching an anime I’d started months previously yet never actually had time to watch. I couldn’t help but feel like I was forgetting something though.


	2. December 1st: Meet the Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Lightning and thunder require time; the light of the stars requires time; deeds, though done, still require time to be seen and heard.”  
> -Friedrich Nietzsche

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I know I promised people (looking at you, LadyInBlack ;p) that this chapter would be up by the end of last week, but due to nasty winter weather, my house has had no electricity for the past three days. No power, no wifi. Either way, it's here now! Yay for the electricity companies!
> 
> Note: If Levi's reactions through out this story seem a bit unrealistic, please remember that he is suffering from PTSD, and reacts aggressively when he feels like he is being attacked or cornered. 
> 
> And finally, a disclaimer. Forgot to post one last chapter. I am not Hajime Isayama; if I was, LeviHan would totally be canon. Also, the opinions of the characters in this chapter are in no way reflective of my own.

December 1st

  I woke up to my phone going off, alerting me of a text message. I slowly stretched out, knocking all my excess pillows to the floor. I hoped Levi had a lot of pillows; I never could fall asleep without a minimum of five pillows to cuddle with. My phone went off again. With a groan, I rolled over and slapped around for my glasses before snatching up my phone from my end table and swiped the screen open. Six texts had come in, all from Levi.

**From Levi Ackerman: Where are you, Four Eyes?**

**They’re supposed to get here in 10 minutes.**

Ten minutes? No, that couldn’t be right. I had a sudden thought, panicked and checked the time. It was 10 am. My panic intensified as I leaped out of bed, and raced to the closet, while scrolling through more of the messages.

**Text me back, Shitty Glasses.**

**They’re here. Told them that you had an emergency with a patient. Get your ass over here.**

  I froze. He told them that I had an emergency with a patient. Did that mean they know I’m a psychiatrist? Did they know that Levi was my patient? They couldn’t. That knowledge would ruin everything. There was no way that they’d believe that any decent psychiatrist would marry their patient. Maybe he didn’t specify what kind of doctor I was, although with how nosey he claimed his grandmother is, I doubted she’d be satisfied with any vague answers. I’d just have to take cues from him on the details of our “relationship.”

  After tugging on a tunic and leggings, I glanced at the final two texts.

**Where the fuck are you?!**

**I will kill you**.

  I hoped that Levi’s grandmother wasn’t as nosey as he claimed she was. If she looked through his texts to his “wife,” Levi would have a lot of explaining to do. I sent him a quick text saying that I was on my way.

  Snatching up my suitcase, I started to walk to the front door before it dawned on me that I’d have to somehow sneak it into Levi’s place. Maybe he could take his grandparents out to show them Trost, and I’d move my stuff over then. From the things I’ve heard of Stochess, the two cities are very different, so it was likely that they’d want to see the sights. I went and checked on Sonny and Bean, as was my custom before I ever left the apartment. Sonny, being the sociable one, slithered up and positioned his face in front of mine and flicked his tongue at me, while Bean simply hid in his rock-cave. I groaned with a sudden realization, and smacked myself in the head with more force than I intended, causing me to groan louder. I’d forgotten to talk to Eren and Hannes about taking my babies. This morning was certainly not going according to plan.

  I snagged my coat off the rack, locked my apartment, pulled out my phone, and entered Levi’s address. His place was only five minutes away, but with the traffic, it would be faster for me to make the hike on foot, and get my car when I bring my clothes.

  There was apparently a storm last night, and the effects were still lingering. It looked like Levi would have to take his family to a museum of sorts. According to one of my patients, a girl named Mikasa, Trost had a wonderful art museum. I’d suggest that to them once I arrive.

  I dialed in Hannes number as I walked, bumping into a fellow pedestrian in my distraction.

 _“Hello, this is Hannes?”_ he said when he picked up.

“Hey Hannes! I was wondering if I could talk to both you and Eren?” I asked.

 _“Sure thing! Let me go get him.”_ I could hear heavy footsteps and a door creaking in the background. _“Eren! Wake up! Dr. Hanji needs to talk to us!”_ Hannes called to Eren. I could hear the boy’s groaning over the speaker, followed by a sleepy _“Hello?”_

“Hey Eren! So I was wondering if you would like to keep Sonny and Bean for me for a month, starting today? If it’s alright with you, Hannes. I'm sorry it's so last minute.” I shivered, and pulled my coat tighter, casting a wary glance at the sky. It had rained all night but the clouds still looked heavy and dark. I hoped the storm would at least hold off until I made it to Levi’s, but from how fast the wind was blowing, I wasn’t sure I’d make it.

 _“Um, sure, I guess we can.”_ Eren sounded a bit hesitant. _“Why do you need me to?”_

“Well, some craziness has come up, so I am going to be staying with a… friend for a month, and they don’t like snakes. Holy crap that’s cold!” I shouted, as I was splashed by a car driving through a puddle left over from last night’s deluge. Eren started to ask me what was wrong, but I cut him off. “I’m sorry, but I need to go Eren. I’ll call you again about Sonny and Bean later this afternoon.” One more thing to take care of while Levi plays decoy, I thought.

  I had to pause at a crosswalk directly across from Levi’s building. It looked like a very nice apartment complex. As I admired the building, a harsh gust of wind blew by, tugging long fly-away strands loose from the high ponytail I’d tried to contain them in.

  The light turned, and I hurried across the street right as the first drizzles of rain began to fall. I darted into the building and rushed to the elevator, bouncing up and down in my impatience for it to get to the lobby. Finally, the doors slid open, and I gasped in shock. The entire back wall of the elevator was a giant mirror, and I looked like a nightmare. My hair was blown in every direction, with wispy strands poking out here and there that had unfortunately frizzed from all the moisture in the air outside. I glanced down at my attire as I stepped in. The entire left side of my gray leggings were soaked from when the puddle splashed on me. Pushing the button for floor seven, I sighed. My first impression was not going to be a good one.

  When I finally got to Levi’s door, I paused and took a few deep breaths. It was too late to turn back. I had always considered myself to be a good actress, but this would be the real test. After a few more seconds of mental preparation, I uttered the motto I used when I needed all my focus and intelligence. “Praeparet bellum.” I whispered, right before I knocked.

  Levi jerked the door open almost immediately. His eyes widened in shock at my windblown appearance, before narrowing quickly into a glare.

  “Why the hell are you so late?” He whispered harshly, stepping out of his apartment and partially closing the door behind him, and bracing his left shoulder against the doorframe, to keep weight off his bad leg.

  “I slept in.” I whispered back, feeling a blush rise to my cheeks. Typically, his glares don’t have any effect on me, but this time, I felt like withering beneath those hard gray eyes. Maybe it was because this time, I had actually done something wrong, although there was no way in hell that I’d admit it to Levi.

  “No shit, genius. I should—” Levi was cut off in the by a male voice calling his name from behind him.

  “Rivaille, I think I heard someone knocking!” The voice said, in a heavy French accent.

  Levi rolled his eyes, before grabbing my arm tightly and tugging me inside. As he locked the door, he called back to the voice, saying “Grandpere, I told you, call me Levi!” I threw a questioning glance at him and opened my mouth, only to have him glare me into silence, while gesturing for me to give him my damp coat. Looking around, I saw that we were in an entry way of sorts, painted a light gray color. There were two doors directly to my left, one of which led to a closet into which Levi placed my jacket. The short entry way opened into what I assumed was the living room and dining room, while the kitchen was behind the wall to my right. The hall continued on after the living and dining space to have three closed doors at the end, one on each side, and one in the center.

  I saw a head covered in incredibly messy gray hair poke around the corner from the right. The rest of the person soon followed, and I saw that it was an elderly man, wearing an incredibly ugly Christmas sweater; I thought that was a bit curious, considering that today was only the first day of December.

  “Oh Riv—Levi! Is this Hanji? She is beautiful!” the man cried, as he made his way over to where Levi and I stood. He had been the owner of the heavily accented French earlier.

  “Yes, Grandpere, this is Hanji. Hanji, this is my grandfather, Kenneth.” Levi said blandly.

  “Oh no dear one, you must call me Grandpere, or Grandpa if the accent is hard for you.” He said, pulling me into a hug. He moved with slight difficulty, but it was still incredibly well for someone of his age.

  “I’m so glad I finally get to meet you, Grandpa!” I exclaimed in return, glad he offered a different name than ‘Grandpere.’

  “Grandmere!” Levi yelled, as he slowly led us into the living room. I had assumed correctly on the layout.

  Taking a few sneaky glances around the room, I noticed two plush black leather sofas surrounding a glass coffee table. The floor was a light hardwood, which was the only flooring type I had seen so far in Levi’s home. I could see that the light gray paint had continued throughout as well. There were white curtains hanging from what I initially thought were floor-to-ceiling windows, but upon a second glance, I realized it was a sliding door to a balcony that extended the length of the apartment. There was no TV in Levi’s living room, but instead, he had an impressive amount of books in white bookcases along two walls. His collection was nowhere near the extent of mine, but still, the amount he had was nothing to sneeze at. Everything was spotlessly clean. Part of me thought that I could probably perform a surgery right on the living room floor and not have to worry about any bacteria and germs.

  A woman I assumed to be Grandmere emerged from the door on the right of the second hallway. I could see behind her that it was a bathroom. Looking at the woman herself, I noticed that she was short, maybe the same height as Levi. Her hair was trimmed into a pixie cut, shorter than her husband’s was. She was wearing a pair of pale pink jeans and a light blue sweater, with a white button-down underneath. Her eyes were gray like Levi’s and she appeared to be a good bit younger than Grandpa.

  “You must be Hanji. It’s so nice to finally meet the only woman who could make my Levi settle down.” She said with a smirk thrown in the man’s direction. “Please, call me Grandmere.” She tuned back to me. She had no accent whatsoever.

  Levi just rolled his eyes, and lowered himself to onto one of the sofas with a sightly pained look in his eyes. After a brief hesitation, I went and joined him, sitting a bit closer than I would have in normal circumstances. When he looked over at me with his dull gray eyes, I began to worry. Maybe I wasn’t supposed to sit this close to him? It wasn’t like our legs were actually touching, but they were close to it. Instead of scooting slightly away though, Levi shifted to drape his arm across my shoulders and gently pull me into his side. I relaxed and went with it, noticing that he smelled like lavender and something else I couldn’t identify. I had always believed lavender to be a more feminine scent, but smelling it on Levi made me change my mind.

  Grandmere and Grandpa came and sat on the opposite sofa, mirroring our position.

  “So Hanji, did you get everything sorted out with the vampire?” Grandmere asked.

  My eyes snapped to look at her. How did she know about Eren’s condition, and why was she asking about him?

  Seeing my confusion, she quickly continued. “Levi told me all about it. It’s so strange, the delusions that people will have. I had never realized that there were people who believed themselves to be vampires, of all things!” She smiled. It hit me then that Levi must have used Eren as my excuse for not being here this morning, although that simply confused me more.

  “Um… Yeah, it’s uh, it’s called Renfields Syndrome.” My mind was racing, trying to figure out how Levi knew Eren’s condition. “The disorder was named after a character called Renfield in Bram Stoker’s Dracula.” I started spouting off facts as was my norm when I was caught off guard with a question. “The first stage consists of the patient injuring himself and drinking his own blood.” I kept all my documents on patients on my laptop. There were no physical copies anywhere, to protect their privacy. “The second stage is the zoophagia stage, in which the patient obtains animal blood and consumes it.” It was a safety precaution for me to never leave patients alone in my office, although I left Levi once. “The third and final stage is moving on to the blood of other humans, either from willing donors, robbing blood banks, or murder.” I had left Levi alone, for five minutes. I had made the mistake of drinking too much before his session, and had to use the restroom. “This stage is when many patients end up becoming violent criminals in order to satiate their compulsions.” When I got back, he looked like he hadn’t moved, and my laptop was still asleep. I had a password on it as well. There was no way he could have gotten into it. So how did he know? He had met Eren once, or at least seen him, when Eren had needed to reschedule a session and I moved him to right after Levi, but Eren was incredibly self-conscious about his condition, so there was no way he would have just told Levi.

  “Oh the poor dear! That sounds terrible! What stage is your patient in?” She asked.

 “The first, but I believe he is on the road to recovery.” It was true. Eren had been doing so much better these days, not biting into his thumbs nearly as often as he did when I first began seeing him.

  “Wow! That’s fascinating. You sure picked a smart one, Levi.” She winked at him.

  Levi hummed in agreement and began to rub circles into my shoulder with his thumb.

  That little action got me panicking again. Exactly how touchy was he planning on being?

  “You never did tell me how you met each other, Levi.” Grandmere leaned forward in her seat.

  Glancing at Levi, I could tell he was not going to say anything. Great, he was leaving it all to me. Thinking quickly, I blurted out the first idea that came to mind.

  “At the local bookstore. I always saw him there, and one day I noticed him struggling to reach a book on the top shelf, and I helped him get it. We struck up a conversation, and things progressed from there.”

  Levi stiffened, turning his head to give me a death glare. I knew he was mad by my jab at his lack of height, but as far as I was concerned, it was his fault. He made me come up with a lie on the spot; he should just be grateful I succeeded.

  Grandmere let out a loud laugh, shaking Grandpa. I hadn’t noticed, but the poor man had started dozing in his seat. The flight must have been hard on him.

  “That must have made him so mad! Levi was always very insecure about his height.” She said, still chuckling.

  “I am not insecure about my height, Grandmere!” Levi practically snarled. “I married a woman three inches taller than I am, didn’t I? I was under the impression that took confidence.” He almost sounded pouty by the end.

  “Shhh… It’s ok, Levi.” I whispered to him, rubbing my hand over his knee, earning me twitch and a glare. I was starting to enjoy patronizing him; he was adorable when he pouted, and I wanted to see him do it more.

  Grandmere laughed again, before removing herself from Grandpa’s sleeping grip and scooting a bit away from him.

  “The poor man.” She muttered, before turning to us. “He is completely exhausted from the flight.”

  “So Grandmere, you don’t have an accent. How come?” I asked, after a few beats of silence.

  She smiled. “You’re right. I grew up here in America, but went to college in France, which is where I met Kenneth.” She leaned forward conspiratorially. “He was my professor. We were quite the scandal, considering he is twenty-five years older than me.” She whispered with a wink.

  “Wow! A twenty-five-year age gap? So that makes you seventy-four?” I did the numbers quickly in my head, and Grandmere nodded in agreement.

  “Did such a large age gap cause any problems?” I was genuinely curious. “If it’s not too personal for me to ask. I’m sorry, asking questions is just second nature to me, and considering my career choice, it’s only natural that I tend to ignore personal space.” I quickly added on with a grin.

  Levi stiffened again, and removed his arm from my shoulders.

  Grandmere laughed. “It’s perfectly fine! Don’t worry, if you get too personal, I’ll let you know. I have no problem telling anybody exactly what I think. Ah, yes, there were a few problems due to my large age gap with Kenneth. For example, there was a lot of pushback from my parents, particularly. Another problem was when Kenneth was sixty-eight; he had a stroke. Our children, Kenny and Kutchel, were only seventeen and fifteen at the time and were both struggling with some issues of their own, but I couldn’t care for them and Kenneth at the same time. We sent them off to a boarding school that was supposed to help them, but unfortunately it changed them for the worse.”

  Levi hadn’t relaxed in his seat yet, so I figured that it was probably not a good idea to continue to press the topic, even though I now had more questions than I had started with.

  “So. Two months. That’s pretty fast, to make an understatement.” Grandmere said, indirectly asking a question of her own.

  Oh crap. Levi has only been discharged for two months. Nobody in their right mind met and married somebody in the span of two months. I turned to look at Levi. He made me come up with a story on the spot last time, so now it was his turn.

  I felt him relax against me, as he answered her. “Well, I’ve known Hanji for about six months, give or take. We met while I was on temporary leave, and communicated through email while I was deployed. Once I was shot, well, Hanji was determined to marry me as soon as I was shipped back here.” Levi turned to me with a small smile and grabbed my hand in his.

  I guess it’s only fair that he made me seem like a stereotype, love-sick female, considering how I picked on him for being short. His smile surprised me though. I had only seen irritation, boredom, and disgust on his face. Levi really did have a nice smile, I decided.

  After a few moments of comfortable silence, Grandmere spoke.

  “Well, Kenneth and I will be checking into a hotel room for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.” She had a slight gleam in her eye as she spoke.

  Levi paled a bit and his eye twitched in what I can only assume was anger. “No. I’ve told you that’s unnecessary.”

  “Why would you do that?” I asked her, confused as to why Levi seemed so bother by this. I had a feeling I knew what Grandmere was implying, but I didn’t see how it was a big deal. Surely Levi and I could simply sit around and read, and say we did whatever it was Grandma wanted us to do. It’s not like we weren’t already lying. One more wouldn’t hurt, would it?

  “So you too can have some sexy fun time for Levi’s birthday!” She announced happily before turning to Levi and continuing, with Levi tensing more and more with each word she spoke. I don’t know how she didn’t notice. “I’m so glad you moved past that celibacy phase. It really wasn’t healthy. I am sure it was difficult but I’m so proud of you for working through it.”

  Levi had stood by this point, fists clenched and trembling with fury. “I am still celibate. I haven’t changed, and I never will Grandmere.” He spat, before storming out of the room.

  Grandmere turned to me with eyes wide from shock. “Is that really true, Hanji dear? You haven’t…” she paused rather awkwardly “… consummated… your marriage? Please tell me you both talked about this long before you were married, and that he didn’t keep anything from you.”

  I was just as surprised as Grandmere was. Levi was celibate? That was an interesting discovery. I hoped that it would hold more clues to who the man truly was. I was also incredibly annoyed by her. It seemed obvious to me that Levi had been uncomfortable from the beginning, yet she chose to continue. I sighed as I realized that Grandmere was actually expecting an answer from me. Knowing that the best lies are rooted in truth, I figured I might as well come out to Grandma. I was not looking forward to the long mess of vocabulary and definitions that was sure to follow at some point though.

  “Yes, we had a long conversation about it, and frankly, I was thrilled to hear he chose to abstain from sex. You see, I am asexual. It was always a fear of mine that I would never be able to find someone who would love me unconditionally, yet wouldn’t want what I couldn’t give. Finding Levi was a dream come true. I have no idea what I’ve done to deserve him. So please, stop giving Levi a hard time over this. We are both perfectly happy with our life together.” From the things Levi mentioned in our last session and things I noticed myself, she seemed like she was unaccepting of the lifestyle he chose, and that really bothered me. I didn’t understand why some people couldn’t grasp that sex is not a requirement for a happy and fulfilled life.

  She looked saddened by my little speech. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I am not trying to push Levi by always bringing this up, but I can’t help but feel that he is just hiding from his problems by avoiding sex. I know you’re a doctor, so I’m sure you know this, but everything I’ve read has said that sex can be extremely beneficial in healing from—”

  “Who wants lunch?” Levi barged in, yelling. He must have been listening from the hallway.

  I didn’t move. Levi is hiding from his problems by avoiding sex? Grandmere believes that him having sex would be beneficial to him healing? It was beginning to sound to me like Levi was a victim of sexual assault, but I didn’t want to jump to conclusions. It could very well be a number of other things. If that was the case though, that Levi was a victim, it would certainly explain Grandmere’s constant prying into the subject; it would simply be her way of trying to help him, like I am trying to do as his doctor.

  “Hanji! Lunch!” Levi called again.

  I looked up to realize that everybody had moved to the dining room and quickly went to join them. Grandpa had finally woken up, and was standing near Levi, who was holding his cell phone.

  “Is everybody good with Asian?” Levi asked, and after a chorus of agreement, he dialed in and placed an order for four teriyaki chicken and rice dishes.

  We all sat down around the table to wait for the delivery.

  “Grandpa, why are you wearing a Christmas sweater? Today’s only December first.” I let my curiosity get the better of me.

  “Well dear, I always wear a Christmas sweater on the first of December. It is the perfect thing to get everyone into the holiday mood!” He said excitably.

  “No. He’s just obsessed with anything Christmas.” Levi leaned over toward me and dramatically whispered, causing both his grandparents to laugh.

  “Why shouldn’t he be, Levi! Christmas is wonderful! It’s the day we got you, you know.” Grandpa announced. I almost groaned. I had forgotten Levi’s birthday was on Christmas. I’d have to find him a gift, and have a party with his grandparents. I needed to start paying attention to things he liked. It would be pretty pathetic for his ‘wife’ to buy him a simple gift-card.

  Levi rolled his eyes. “Don’t remind me. I’d rather forget about it all. Birthday, Christmas, everything.” He said with a groan.

  “That’s just because you are the Grinch.” Grandmere said firmly, but I could see a teasing smirk playing at the corners of her mouth. “Maybe this year, Hanji will be able to make your tiny shriveled black heart grow three sizes. Goodness knows nobody else had been able to.”

  I let out a loud laugh. Typically, I tried to control my laugh as part of some childish insecurity I’d always had after someone compared it to a witch’s cackle, but I couldn’t be bothered to this time. I got some wide-eyed looks from everyone at the table, before they joined in. Even Levi was chuckling, although I was suspicious that he might just be laughing at me. I didn’t care though; he had that small smile back on his face, and I was hearing his laugh for the first time.

  “Thanks Grandmere. I’m glad to know you love me.” Levi said sarcastically.

  “Well, I’m just glad that she has so much faith in me.” I responded, grinning like the Cheshire Cat. “Making Levi’s heart grow three sizes; that’s certainly a challenge, but I accept.”

  Grandpa let out a few more chuckles, before we heard someone knock. Grandmere went to grab the food and pay the delivery boy, while Levi went to get drinks. I followed behind him, hoping I could get him alone to talk about getting his grandparents out of the apartment long enough for me to bring my stuff over.

  Once we made it into the kitchen, he turned to glare at me.

  “I was ‘too _short_ to reach a book on the top shelf?’ _What the hell, Hanji!_ Couldn’t you come up with anything better?” He whispered harshly. Apparently, Levi couldn’t be bothered to keep up the ‘caring husband’ act when it was just the two of us. He didn’t want me here, didn’t want me prying into his life, and wouldn’t hesitate to remind me of that fact when we were alone.

  “I didn’t see you coming up with anything better! And besides, what I said was perfectly fine! Nobody would doubt you having a hard time reaching something.” I hissed back, straightening up a bit to make myself even taller than him.

  His glare darkened more than I thought possible, and he turned to get cups down from the cabinet. As he pulled each one down, he would hold them up and closely examine the inside of the glass. He came across two that were apparently unsatisfactory, for reasons beyond my understanding, and placed those in the sink, before returning to the ones he had pulled out for our drinks.

  “By the way, you need to get your grandparents out of here for an hour or two.” I said. “I need to move my stuff over, but we can say that I need to go type up my notes from the emergency visit with my patient this morning. By the way, how did you know about Eren?”

  “No idea who Eren is. What about him?” He responded as he began filling the glasses with water.

  “How did you know about his condition? Remember, the Renfield’s Syndrome?” Levi still looked confused. “Vampire boy?” I sighed.

  “Oh, that. I had been reading Dracula last night, and when I needed a quick cover story, vampires were what came to mind. I had no idea it was an actual mental disorder, much less that you had a patient who had it.” He handed me two of the glasses, and slowly made his way back to the dining room table, where Grandmere had already unpacked the food.

  We all dug in, and Levi began chatting with them about local museums. It turned out, Grandmere loved art, so the three of them would be going to tour the museum after lunch, while I snuck my belongings over here, and passed my sweet Sonny and Bean off to Eren, under the guise of typing up patient notes in my office.

  “Hanji, I never got to ask earlier, but what exactly is asexuality? I’ve never heard the term apply to people before.” Grandmere said, leaning forward and placing her elbows on the table. Levi glanced up at me from his empty plate, looking incredibly interested.

  “Well, uh, let me think for a second. It is somewhat hard to condense it.” She nodded.

  After a few beats, I spoke again. “Well, there are five different types of attraction: sexual, sensual, romantic, platonic, and aesthetic, and they are all completely independent from each other, and all can have the gender specifications that sexual attraction has: i.e. hetero-, homo-, bi-, pan-, a-. The terms demi- and gray- can be applied to any combination of attraction and gender specification. An asexual is a person who does not feel sexual attraction to anyone, regardless of gender. Some aces, short for asexual, are sex-positive, some are sex-neutral, while others are sex-repulsed. How an asexual acts in a relationship doesn’t affect their asexuality in any way, because it is defined by their attraction, not their actions. Some aces have been abused, some have not. Some have mental disorders, some do not. Asexuality has quite a variety of people with many different combinations of the other kinds of attractions.”

  “Well, what other attractions do you have?” Grandmere asked, scooting her seat in a bit closer.

  Most people hate to be treated like a science project, but that had never bothered me; maybe it was because I tended to do that to my patients, always trying to find the root cause for their disorders, trying to find ways to help them, attempting to make sense of their mental state.

  “I am a sex-repulsed heteroromantic, meaning I am romantically attracted to the opposite gender.” I paused for a beat. “And Grandmere, I know you don’t mean anything by this, but you should be careful asking anyone, not just aces, questions like these. It doesn’t bother me, but I have a Ph.D. in psychology, and make a living off asking people awkward, invasive, and uncomfortable questions. Most people can’t say that about themselves. I’m more than willing to answer any questions you have, but just remember that I can only speak for myself.” Her curiosity was something I could relate too; I was just afraid that she would unintentionally insult someone later on.

  “Are you sure? I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, but I do have some questions.” She said, blushing a little from embarrassment at being called out on her interrogation.

  “Yeah, it’s totally fine with me. Ask anything.” I said smiling, and I really was fine with it. Sharing information, learning, and helping others learn was always something I had loved.

  “Ok. What do demi- and gray- mean?”

  “Demi- is used when a person only feels that form of attraction after a strong emotional bond is in place, while gray- has more than one meaning. In some circumstances, gray- means that that attraction is felt only rarely, while in others, gray- is used as an all inclusive term for anyone on the ace/aro spectrum, but not straight up asexual or aromantic.” I really hoped my explanations made sense.

  “So, do you masturbate, or do you not, because of your repulsion to sex?” She asked.

  “Grandmere! Would you quit harassing my wife!” Levi interrupted angrily before I could respond.

  Grandmere turned to him looking a bit indignant. “Levi, she told me to ask away. I’m sure if I ask something too private, she’ll tell me, right Hanji?” She turned to me.

  “I’m afraid I agree with Levi on this. My personal habits on this are private. But I can tell you that some aces do masturbate, and some don’t. It’s a personal choice, and can’t be stereotyped by orientation.” I should have known she’d ask me that. It was my fault, in a way though; I had essentially given her free reign with her questions.

  “Ok. I respect that.” She said, before standing up looking excited. “So, let’s hit the art museum!”

  Everyone stood, and scattered to find various shoes and coats. I slipped into the living room and sent a quick text to Eren asking if he could meet me at my apartment to help me move Sonny and Bean. He replied immediately, agreeing.

  After digging my coat out of the coat-closet, I called “Goodbye!” to everyone and started to open the door, when I heard Levi yell my name. I turned and saw Levi walking towards me, with Grandpa following behind.

  “Here. You forgot your key, again.” Levi said, passing the warm metal object to me. He had a strange look in his eye that put me on edge a bit.

  “Uh, thanks, Lev—” I was interrupted by his mouth on mine. I felt his thin fingers tangle into my ponytail, and I stayed frozen as I felt his dry lips gently caress mine, before he pulled away slowly, and dropping flat onto his feet. He must have had to stand tiptoe for his mouth to reach mine. His hand slipped out of my messy hair, as he muttered a soft “Be safe” before turning and walking back into his apartment.

  I just gaped after him, doing my best fish-out-of-water imitation. What the hell was that?! I realized that Grandpa was staring at me, with an adoring smile on his wrinkled face. I gave him a quick wave, before darting out the front door into the safety of the empty hallway.

  Continuing my rapid escape, I raced to the elevator, and roughly poked the ‘down’ button. It opened immediately, and I jabbed at the ‘doors close’ button before slumping back against the wall of the elevator. Levi kissed me. He, he kissed me! Why? Why couldn’t he have just hugged me? My mind was beginning to race even faster, filled with images of awkward scenarios that now were much more likely to happen after that kiss.

  Letting out a groan of frustration, I tried my best to put the subject out of my mind.

* * *

 

  I sat on the sofa, curled up next to Levi yet again. Dinner was over, and it was beginning to get late. Throughout the meal, Grandpa and I had chatted about the cultural differences between Stochess, France and Trost, America. Now that we had moved to the living room, we were all discussing the war America was fighting against the terrorist organization known as the Titans.

  “Levi, tell me how your friend is doing. The one that got you to join the Army? What was his name… E—something…” Grandmere trailed off.

  “Erwin?” She nodded. “He’s doing good. He’s been promoted to Commanding General. I talked to him on the phone the other day, and he said his wife Marie is expecting.”

  Grandmere and I simultaneously cried out in surprise. For as long as I had known him, Erwin always wanted children, but from things he had said recently, he and his wife were having a hard time getting pregnant. I would have to call him and give my congratulations.

  Grandpa brought up a question for Levi involving some complex military term that I didn’t understand, and the two of them started discussing it. I looked over at Grandmere to see if she was confused as I was.

  “Just let them be.” She said with an eye-roll and a smile. “Grandpa served in WWII, and was thrilled when Levi followed his footsteps into the military.”

  We both turned back to listen to the men, who had moved on to arguing about ethics in warfare. “Why shouldn’t we bomb the Titan’s base? It would end this fucking war immediately.” Levi said vehemently.

  “There are innocents there, Levi! The wives and children of the terrorists! They haven’t committed any crimes against you.” Grandpa responded.

  “How would it be any different than what they did to Shiganshina? Hundreds of our troops are dying daily.” Levi countered.

  “That’s exactly the point. They are terrorists. You are not. You should behave morally, no matter how they treat you.”

  “Mind if I cut in?” I asked. They both turned to me, surprised, as if they had forgotten that they had an audience.

  “Sure, dear one.” Grandpa said with a soft smile.

  “This is one of those unwinnable situations. If we bomb the Titans, we are no better than they are; you were right on that point, Grandpa. We’d be hiding behind a guise of morality, but we would be exactly the same as they are. But on the other hand, I can also understand where Levi is coming from. I have three patients who survived the Shiganshina bombings from five years ago. They were only ten at the time, and those poor children suffer so much from what they saw that day. Levi has lost friends and comrades fighting this war.” I honestly was just making an educated guess. Considering that Levi served for thirteen years, he had to have lost people close to him. “Can we really call ourselves good people while we let our soldiers die when we have a way to end it now?”

  Both men were silent, simply staring at me with thoughtful expressions. I glanced over to Grandmere, and she sent me a wink.

  “Thanks for shutting them up, Hanji!” She said, standing up. “Well, I think it’s time to get Grandpa off to bed.” The woman smiled down at her husband.

  Grandpa slowly stood, his joints stiffening briefly at about half way. He walked over to where Levi and I were sitting, and planted a large wet smooch on my forehead, quickly giving Levi the same treatment, before making his way into his room with Grandmere following behind.

  I turned to Levi. “I need to talk to you, before we go to bed.”

  He rolled his eyes, and stood, slowly limping to the one door that I hadn’t seen opened. He put his hand on the knob, and turned to look back at me.

  “You coming?” He asked impatiently.

  I quickly jumped up and followed him. It was his bedroom, and a fairly large one at that. It had an attached bathroom on one end, with a king sized bed on the opposite end. The walls were painted the same gray as the rest of the apartment, and the pale wood floor continued into here as well. The bed was covered in a black duvet, with pale blue sheets and accent pillows. There were more bookshelves in here, and with a quick glance, I could see they were mostly filled with poetry. The entrances onto the balcony to either side of the bed.

  “What?” Levi asked, turning to sit on the edge of his massive bed. Part of me wondered why a person so small needed a bed so large. He was celibate, so it wasn’t like he needed room to do _that_  stuff.

  Getting a bit impatient with my silence, Levi spoke again. “That was quick thinking with all that asexuality stuff. You are a very good liar; it’s a bit scary.” He had an odd look on his face, paying very close attention to my reaction to his statement, almost like he was testing me.

  “What?” I startled out of my thoughts. “No, that wasn’t a lie. I’m asexual.”

  “Everything you said was true?” He asked, keeping the strange expression.

  “Yeah, there was no need to lie about it. And on that subject, you’re celibate?”

  His face flushed, from anger or embarrassment, I don’t know. “Yes. Please, please don’t ask me about it, Hanji. I didn’t stop Grandmere in time; she said things she shouldn’t have. Just forget about it. Please.” He was almost begging me. I didn’t really know how to respond for a few seconds.

  “Ok.” I quickly continued, before he could look to relieved. “For now. You’ll need to talk to me eventually. It really will help.”

  “No! You wouldn’t understand!” He yelled.

  “How do you know?” I asked quietly, making Levi look stunned.

  “Wh—What do—“ He started, before being interrupted, by Grandmere’s voice.

  “Hanji! Levi!” She called from the kitchen.

  Levi sighed. “We’d better go see what she wants, before she wakes the neighbors.”

  He said, before getting up and following her voice, with me tagging along behind.

  “I poured you both some milk. You need to drink the whole glass before bed.” She said firmly.

  “Um, thank you, but I don’t drink milk.” I said. When I was in high school, I discovered that having dairy made me incredibly hyper. Whether it be milk, ice cream, milkshakes, or even just cheese, getting too much in my system completely removed the filter between what I say and what I think. I almost acted drunk, laughing at everything, doing and saying things I normally wouldn’t.

  “Hanji.” Was all she said back, still holding the glass out to me.

  “She won’t stop until you drink it.” Levi looked pretty indifferent, until Grandmere spoke again.

  “I always made Levi drink a glass before bed when he was little to give him strong bones and make him grow, and it worked. He has never broken one bone, even though by all rights he should have.” She said proudly. “And just imagine how short he’d be if he hadn’t drunk his milk!”

  I snickered a bit at the last bit. I wasn’t aware that milk was said to make you grow, but if it was, Levi would’ve been incredibly short without it.

  Levi groaned, before downing his glass quickly, and headed back to his/our room.

  “Drink the milk.” Grandmere repeated, pushing the glass towards me.

  I was just going to go to bed. I could probably fall asleep before the milk gets into my system. I picked up the glass, drank, and placed it in the sink before turning and hugging Grandmere goodnight. She held me tightly, and whispered into my ear.

  “Thank you for taking such good care of my little Levi.”

  When she pulled back, I noticed her gray eyes were moist, but she scurried back to the guest room before I could ask her why.

  I followed Levi back to his bedroom, but I didn’t see him anywhere, but heard the shower running. After glancing around the room, I quickly changed into my pajamas, leaving my bra on, and approached the bed. What side did Levi sleep on? Would he make me move over if I got in his spot? I heard the shower shut off, so I chose to dart under the sheets on the left side. I don’t know why it hadn’t dawned on me that Levi and I would be sharing a bed before now. If I had thought of it before, I would’ve picked different pajamas than what I brought. I was wearing a tight black tank top depicting a treasure chest, with the message “Asexual Pirate isn’t interested in your booty” on it, along with purple and white pants.

  I pulled off my bra once I was safely cocooned under Levi’s bedspread, and I hid it under the bed right underneath me so I could grab it easily in the morning. I couldn’t ever sleep with pajama pants on either, but was feeling incredibly reluctant to take those off.

  Levi came out of the bathroom wearing just a pair of black pajama pants. His hair was not fully dried, and I could see little droplets of water rolling down his pale neck onto his toned chest. I couldn’t help but stare. His skin was so pale. He had numerous scars that I could see, most looking fairly recent, except for a large one on his left pectoral. There was one on his right bicep, and a few smaller ones littering his ribcage and stomach. Where there weren’t scars, his skin was incredibly smooth and I couldn’t help but want to touch him.

  “Hanji. Stop staring.” He said blandly.

  Oh crap. I was staring, wasn’t I. I looked down with a blush.

  “Sorry, I just…” I couldn’t come up any kind of excuse.

  “No. It’s fine, I guess. I know I have some pretty hideous scars.” He looked down at himself and brushed his hand across one near his protruding hipbone that looked like he had gotten it fairly recently.

  “No! That’s not it, I…” I realized that I probably should not finish that sentence. “How did you get each of them?” I felt myself ask before I even thought the question. Damn, the milk must be kicking in.

  He looked at me a bit strange. “Most were from during the fight when I was shot. I hope you don’t mind, but I can’t sleep in a shirt.” He said as he approached the far side of the bed.

  “That’s fine, as long as you don’t mind me taking off my pants, cause I can’t sleep in them either.” I muttered, suddenly feeling incredibly constricted by them. I stripped them off under the blankets and shoved them down near where my bra was hidden.

  His eyes widened a bit in surprise, but he said nothing in protest. Turning out the lamp and laying down on his side with his back to me, I just barely heard him say “Goodnight, Hanji.”

  The moonlight shone in through the window and landed on his exposed back. I could see several more scars there, none quite as prominent as those on his chest. I wondered what had happened to him.

  “Stop touching me.” I hadn’t realized that I had been tracing my fingertips across the all the scars I could see.

  “I… Uh, I… I’m… I’m so sorry!” I stuttered out, jerking my hand back like his skin burned me. “I… I jus—”

  “Shut up. Please.” He muttered with a groan.

  “I’m sorry. It’s that stupid milk your Grandma made me drink. Milk makes me crazy.” I ranted. My head was beginning to feel fuzzy.

  Levi flopped onto his back and turned to me with a half-smile. “Milk makes you hyper?” He asked with a huff.

  I blushed again, and ducked my head under the sheets before I answered. “Yeah. I mean, you have no idea how much sugar is in milk, not to mention lactose, which is digested into even more sugar! When I get too much dairy, I can’t think straight. I just start talking, and I can’t shut up. I’ve been drunk a few times, and milk affects me more than alcohol. Drunk on dairy.” I gave my voice a weird inflection for that last bit, sounding a little bit like one of the Telle-Tubbies.

  “You’re serious?” He scoffed.

  I nodded, maybe a bit to vigorously. Realizing he couldn’t see my head, I pulled the blanket back just enough for my mouth to peek out and gave a firm “Yes.”

  He belted out a laugh, and I poked my head fully out from under the duvet to watch him. His eyes were squinted shut, a large grin pulled at his thin lips, his head was pushed back, and his chest heaved with heavy breathing. I never thought I’d see the day when Levi laughed, but I was glad I could. He was truly beautiful when he laughed

  “Levi, I love your laugh. It’s beautiful.” No no no, why did I have to open my mouth! Stupid dairy. Stupid cows.

  As soon as I said the words, he sobered up and rolled back to face away from me.

  “Goodnight, Hanji.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a couple things to say. First, I will be updating this story twice a month. That is all I feel like I can manage, as I am in college, and have a job on the side.
> 
> Second, I saw someone had done this on a story of theirs, and I thought it was a cool idea! (I'd give them credit, but I honestly can't remember who it was, or even what fandom the fanfic was in...) So... I have a question for y'all! Which Attack on Titan character you you identify with most?
> 
> Me, I'm like Armin, but to those who don't know me well, I'm much more like Annie, at least in real life. 
> 
> By the way, please let me know about any formatting issues. I'm still trying how to figure out how to work AO3.


	3. December 2nd: Nighttime Talks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Perhaps my insomnia only conceals a great fear of death. Perhaps I am afraid that the soul—which in sleep leaves me—will not be able to return.
> 
> — Franz Kafka

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *peeks head shyly around corner* Hello, my dear readers. I want to apologize for not updating! I announced that I'd give you wonderful people two chapters a month... and then did nothing. A lot of things have happened recently, and so that update schedule I promised, sadly, probably won't happen. 
> 
> Either way, I'm sorry. Here is my humble peace offering.

December 2:

  I woke up to a sharp kick in the ribs. Upon opening my eyes, I saw the room was completely dark; there was no more moonlight entering from the windows. Just as I started to look towards the alarm clock on the end table, a heavy object landed on my stomach, almost knocking the wind out of me. After flicking on the bedside lamp, I looked down and saw that the ‘heavy object’ was a pair of pale feet. Connected to those feet were a pair of legs, the dark hair on them making the milky coloring of the skin stand out more. My eyes traveled up the white legs to see the rest of Levi.

  He was laying completely sideways in the bed, the sheets scattered, and his pillow missing. His pajama bottoms had ridden up to mid-thigh, and I could see the edge of what looked like a massive scar on his left leg, with the rest disappearing under the black flannel pants.

  Letting out a groan, he shifted, twisting onto one side, and one of his feet moved to rest on one of my breasts, with the toes on the other foot digging uncomfortably into my ribs.

  I shoved both feet off of me, and sat up, now understanding why he had such a large bed; if he didn’t, he surely would fall off on nightly basis with the way he moved around in his sleep. After crawling over to him, I reached out to try to pull him back to where he should be laying. I wrapped my hands around his upper arm and tugged. He barely budged; Levi was heavier than I had expected. Pressing my hands into the mattress, I tried to shove them underneath his torso, thinking that would be an easier way to move him.

  As I attempted that though, Levi started thrashing quickly. One of his arms jerked up and hit me in the mouth. I fell back against the headboard, and he sat up breathing heavily, looking around in a panic.

  His hands were still clenched into fists, and once he turned and looked at me, I could see that his eyes were wide with fear. The edges of sleep were still clinging to him; they must have been, because if he was in his right mind, he never would have reached out and pulled me into a tight hug. If he was in his right mind, he never would have let me wrap my arms around him in return either.

  He ducked his head into the area where my neck joined my shoulder, and I could feel trembles racking his small frame. His hands clenched into the back of my tank top, causing me to suddenly remember that I was braless with my boobs pressed up against his bare chest and that my pants were off, exposing my Death Note themed underwear to the world.

  I moved one hand off of him to reach for my pillow to attempt to hide my panties. When Levi felt me let go, he gasped out a “No” and pulled me in even tighter. My searching hand finally grasped my pillow, and I pulled it into my lap to cover my panties before returning the squeeze.

  After a few minutes of just sitting together, Levi finally let go, and before I could say anything, he got up and left the room. After slipping on my pajama bottoms, I followed.

  I found him in the living room, sitting on the sofa reading a well-worn copy of Dante’s Inferno. Dropping down into a crouch in front of him, I reached out and lowered his book so he would look at me. Levi did, with a pitiful glare. That didn’t sit right with me; never had I ever seen Levi unable to give somebody a decent glare.

  “What’s wrong, Levi? What was that? Was it a nightmare?” I asked quietly, aware of his grandparents sleeping nearby.

  “I’m fine, Hanji. Go back to bed.” He murmured, trying to pull the poetry from my grasp.

  “No, you’re not fine. You had a panic attack, and you willingly hugged me. Something is wrong. Come back to bed, and we can talk about it in the morning. Let me help you, Levi. Please.” I whispered back.

  “I can’t sleep any more. I’m honestly surprised that I was able to sleep for as long as I did.”

  “How… How long do you typically sleep for?” I asked warily.

  “Two or three hours.” He said, with a resigned sigh.

  “Levi! Why didn’t you tell me? I could have gotten you sleeping pills. Everyone needs a minimum of eight hours a night!” My voice got a little bit louder with my shock.

  Levi held up a finger and shushed me. “My grandparents are still sleeping, Four-Eyes. I didn’t want sleeping pills; you’ve already got me on meds for my other issues.”

  “You needed those, and you know it. Are they still working? No side effects?”

  He scoffed. “Nothing I didn’t want to have happen anyway. They completely destroyed the small sex drive I had; I should thank you, if anything.”

  After a few moments of thinking, I finally decided to say what had been on my mind since the previous evening. “Listen to me, Levi. I am getting concerned here. There is more going on with you than you let on.” He rolled his eyes. “From now on, I will ask you one question a day, and you will give me a satisfactory answer, or I’ll stop seeing you as a patient, and tell Erwin exactly how uncooperative you’ve been.”

  “What? But I’ll lose my pension, Hanji. What would I do then?” He looked highly offended.

  “It’s just one question, Levi. They won’t all be deep personal stuff. I might ask your favorite color, or the name of your first pet. You don’t know. But I am tired of not knowing what is going on. Either you talk to me, or I start talking to Erwin.” I hated giving people ultimatums, but this madness had gone on long enough.

  After pondering this a little bit, Levi sighed and agreed. He stopped his tugging on the book, and set it down in his lap.

  “I’m just going to ask my question for today now, since we’re alone.” I paused, trying to think. I had many things I wanted answers for, but I shouldn’t pick something too personal as my first question, or I might scare him off. It had to be something relatively private though, just to show him I was serious about this.

  “Since we are currently awake because of this, I think I’ll start off with asking what your nightmares are about.” I finally said.

  “They’re not… nightmares, per se. They’re memories.” His fingers picked restlessly with the damaged corner of the books cover. “From my childhood.” He added, eyes not looking up to meet mine.

  Levi stood abruptly. “I answered your question. Goodnight, Hanji.” He turned and walked back towards our room.

  Yet again, I quickly followed; this time finding the man curled up on his side in bed, bed sheets tugged up to his chin.

  “Levi.” I called, quietly padding over to the bed. “Levi…”

  After deciding that he must be ignoring me, I laid down on my side, and thought about what Levi had told me. What childhood events could cause Levi— “Humanities Strongest Soldier”, as Erwin once told me—to have nightmares decades later?

  Pondering my new revelations, I soon fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, this chapter was a lot shorter than the other two I've written so far. My updates will likely be about this length from now on, which hopefully will let me update a little more frequently than if I waited for a minimum of 4k words. I can't make any promises though.
> 
> Thank you all for reading.


	4. December 2nd: How Do You Say Microscopic Bacteria in French?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “The loneliest people are the kindest. The saddest people smile the brightest. The most damaged people are the wisest. All because they do not wish to see anyone else suffer the way they do.” --Anonymous

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look who's back! I just want to say thank you so much to everyone who left comments last chapter! They were all so incredibly encouraging! You all are wonderful! 
> 
> Side note: Guess what now has over 100 kudos! Psychiatrist! I am so excited! I honestly never expected so many people to like this. Either way, as celebration, I am writing the next chapter in Levi's POV. It's an idea that had been floating around in my head, and one reader encouraged me to try it. Now seems like as good a time as any to announce it!

December 2:

I woke up to hearing the click of a camera shutter, followed quickly by whispered words that I didn’t understand. Reluctant to open my eyes, I turned and curled deeper into the warmth I could feel enveloping me, my hands scrabbling for purchase on the smooth skin under my fingertips. More whispered sounds came from the direction of the foot of the bed, and I tucked my head further in between me and the warmth in an attempt to drown out the soft sounds. The warmth I was wrapped in began to vibrate gently, and I heard a deep rumble of French emanating from it.

“Je ne suis pas sûr. Que voulez-vous faire aujourd’hui? Il y a beaucoup de choses a faire dans une grande ville comme celle-ci.” The deep voice said.

“Ce serait agréable de s’asseoir au parc. Pouvons-nous y aller?” I heard the original whisperer respond.

By this point, I realized exactly what—or should I say who—the warmth was that I was tucked so snugly against was. It was Levi, and his grandfather was at the foot of the bed talking to him. For some reason, I was curled up with my head against his chest, my fisted hands pulled up to my chin, while his arms were wrapped around my waist. After a quick moment of panic at the fact that I was snuggling with a shirtless Levi, I tried to calm my heart rate. It was easier when I remembered that I left my bra and pants on after last nights adventures. If I could make myself stay still, I might be able to hear something interesting.

“Bien sûr que nous le pouvons.” Levi muttered back to Grandmere. 

“Qu’en est-il d'Hanji? Serait-elle aller au parc?” Grandpa asked. 

I almost blew my cover when I heard my name. What were they talking about? It involved me! I think I must have twitched a little bit, because Levi moved his hand from my lower back to reach up and run fingers through my hair, brushing it back from my face, before he spoke again.

“Je ne vois pas pourquoi elle ne le voudrait pas. Je lui demanderai quand elle se réveillera.”

Grandpa made a clucking noise, before saying “Laisse-la dormir. Hier, fut une longue journée.”

“Tu n’as pas idée.” Levi responded with a sarcastic edge to his voice.

I heard Grandpa chuckle, before the soft padding of his feet reached my ears, then faded out, followed by the closting of the bedroom door. He must have left the room. Levi’s fingers were still playing with my hair, as I tilted my head up to peek at him only to find he was already looking at me.

“So, hear anything interesting in your pathetic attempt to eavesdrop?” He asked, with a slight smirk.

“No.” I groaned. “Sadly, the only French I know is ‘Brie,’ and ‘baguette.’”

He chuckled a bit before untangling his arms from around me and sitting up. As the sheets fell away from his upper body, I was distracted again by the sheer number of scars on his skin. 

“Sorry about that. I could hear Grandpa coming in, so I grabbed you. It was a good thing too, because he had his camera with him.” He said, as he carefully climbed out of bed. 

I felt the urge to ask what all they had talked about, but honestly, I didn’t think Levi would answer. Sitting upright, I twisted my upper body towards the end table, I reached for my wire-frame glasses and shoved them roughly onto my face. 

“Why do you wear those shitty glasses?” I heard Levi ask from where he stood facing the closet.

I shot his back a glare. These glasses had a lot of emotional importance to me, and I didn’t appreciate them being called shitty. “They were my fathers’. I had the lenses swapped for my prescription when he died.” I pulled them off to examine them as I spoke.

“Oh. I’m sorry.” Levi murmured. 

“It’s fine.” I replied with a laugh. “I know they look terrible on me! Back in high school, kids always told me they looked like goggles, because of how square the lenses are.” I sighed at the memories. I typically tried to avoid thinking about growing up. It was easier to be happy that way, without bad memories bogging my mind down. “Enough about that!” I said firmly, almost talking more to myself than Levi. “What are we going to do today?”

I watched the man pull out a plain black t-shirt and a pair of dark wash jeans. “Grandpa would like to go to the park, but I don’t know about Grandmere. Do you have to do any work today?” He asked, turning to face me.

“Nothing that I can’t do tonight.” All I had to do was update my file on Levi. I had made an important breakthrough with learning that he had a traumatic childhood, and I needed to enter in some other suspicions that had started to form in my mind.

“Ok then. I’m going to go shower.” He said, starting to limp towards the bathroom.

“Again?” I was surprised. “You just took one last night.”

He looked at me like I was a complete idiot. “And?” He asked harshly.

“Nothing!” Ok then. Do not mention the fact that Levi showers twice a day. Apparently it’s a sensitive subject.

“You’re gonna shower when I’m done, so you might as well stay in your pajamas.” His tone didn’t leave any room for argument, but I felt like trying anyways.

“I don’t need one. My hair will stay clean for another day or too.” 

If looks could kill, the one Levi shot me would have me dead and buried. “Hanji, you are going to take a fucking shower, even if I have to drag you in there and bathe your nasty ass myself.”

I smirked as a somewhat evil idea popped into my head. “You better get in there fast, short stuff. I haven’t showered in two days already, and you were holding me awfully close this morning. I bet you’re crawling with bacteria by now.”

His eyes widened, and a look of pure disgust came over his face. He only waited long enough to flip me off, before darting into the bathroom and locking the door, as if that would keep my germs out. 

“You’re gonna wash the sheets today!” I heard him yell from the bathroom. 

I collapsed back onto the bed chuckling to myself. I know I shouldn’t have teased him, but I didn’t really feel bad about it.

I heard a few muffled sniggers from behind the bedroom door. 

“Grandpa, is that you hiding?” I called with a grin, sitting up again. 

The door creaked open and Grandpa peeked his head in. “Darn it, you caught me.” He said with an adorable grin on his wrinkled face.

“Hear anything interesting?” I teased.

“Only proof that you are absolutely perfect for our Rivaille.” He replied, coming all the way into the room and approaching the bed. 

I smiled, but couldn’t hold eye contact. I absolutely hated this. Grandpa was so incredibly sweet, and here I was lying to him. What a terrible thing for me to do. 

He leaned across the bed to lift my chin with a gentle finger. “I am so glad he met you. He needed someone who can tease him like you do. And you have such beautiful brown eyes! Rivaille really got lucky with you, dear.” I felt a slight blush creep onto my cheeks at his compliments. 

“So, he said he’d ask you, but I guess I will, since he’s showering again. That boy always did take way too many showers. Even as a little kid, he’d come asking us to give him a bath at least three times a day. Anyway, would you like to go to the park today? I would love to go find some ducks to feed. That’s my favorite pastime. Rivaille loved it too. He used to be able to get the ducks to walk right up to him and eat from his hands!” Grandpa rambled on with a soft smile at the good memories.

“That sounds like a wonderful idea! I don’t think I’ve ever been to feed ducks before.” I wasn’t entirely sure that feeding ducks would be a very enjoyable activity, but I couldn’t bear to darken Grandpa’s smile. 

“Ok. I’ll let you get ready for our adventures then.” He shuffled out of the room, throwing one last smile over his shoulder at me. 

As soon as the door clicked shut, Levi poked his head out of the bathroom. “Is he gone?” he whispered. 

I rolled my eyes and scoffed. “Yes, but why were you hiding? He’s your grandpa, not a super villain.”

Levi slowly crept out from his hiding place behind the door, glancing around as if he didn’t believe me. “Yeah, I know that, but he always has a lot to say, and I don’t have the energy to pretend like I’m listening.” He said, with an eye roll. “You didn’t strip the bed yet? I wasn’t kidding when I said you were going to wash the sheets today.” He made his way over to the dresser, and slipped a watch onto his wrist.

“I was lying, Levi. I showered yesterday morning, and my pajamas had been freshly washed. There’s no need to clean the sheets already.” I replied with a laugh. 

Casting a sharp look at me, I watched as Levi came and jerked back the sheets, inspecting the linen as if he would be able to see the microscopic bacteria I supposedly put there.

“Fine.” He said, dropping them back onto the bed. “Get up. I need to make this. Go get in the shower.”

With a dramatic sigh, I grabbed some clothes at random from my suit case, and proceeded to the bathroom. A sudden thought struck me, and I whipped around. “Levi, did you live with your grandparents growing up?” I asked.

He stiffened a bit, and didn’t turn to look at me as he replied. “Off and on, yeah.”

“Really? Why?”

“None of your fucking business. Now go shower, before I come and make you.” His tone was harsh and unforgiving sounding.

“As if you could, you midget.” I darted into the bathroom and shut the door right as a pillow crashed into the other side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the somewhat abrupt chapter ending. It's 2am where I live, and I really should be sleeping. ^.^
> 
> EDIT: Thanks so much to Angelofakademeia for helping with my terrible French!


	5. December 2nd: Banana Pancakes and Broken Plates  (Levi POV)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _All the writers keep writing what they write_   
>  _Somewhere another pretty vein just dies_   
>  _I've got the scars from tomorrow and I wish you could see_   
>  _That you’re the antidote to everything except for me, me_
> 
> _A constellation of tears on your lashes_   
>  _Burn everything you love, then burn the ashes_   
>  _In the end everything collides_   
>  _My childhood spat back out the monster that you see_
> 
> _\--My Songs Know What You Did In the Dark, Fall Out Boy_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was able to spend my entire weekend writing, because it was Easter! *throws confetti* Have another chapter!

December 2:

Shitty Four-Eyes. Where the hell does she get off making fun of my height? I stood and stormed over to the shut bathroom door and picked up the pillow I had thrown, before turning back around to make the bed. What had I been thinking, inviting Hanji here? Asking her to help me? It had to be the stupidest idea I’ve ever had.

 _“No,”_ a little voice in the back of my mind whispered. _“There are so many worse ideas you’ve had. Remember when—”_

I shook my head in an attempt to clear my thoughts. None of that. I had listened to my demons enough last night. No more. They hadn’t controlled my life in years, and I wasn’t about to let them start again. I was Corporal Levi Fucking Ackerman, nicknamed “Humanities Strongest Soldier." No way will I let a few bad memories affect my grouchy mood.

Hanji, as annoying as she was, actually did help. The demons were quieter when she was around; easier to ignore. I’ll never tell her that, obviously. Then she’d follow me everywhere.

I sighed in frustration. The sheets were all twisted. Last night, Hanji stole the blankets from me, and curled herself up into a taco of insanity. I had tried to take them back, but she started grumbling something about acid and pig-dogs, whatever the fuck those were, and I decided that it was probably best to let sleeping madwomen lie. It wasn’t like I actually slept at all, after our conversation in the living room anyways.

Stretching out my arms, I went to go find Grandmere. She was a wonderful cook, and I was looking forwards to eating her breakfasts.

Sure enough, in the kitchen she was bent over the stove flipping some banana pancakes. I felt my stomach rumble in anticipation. She used to make me banana pancakes on the weekends when I was little.

“Good morning Levi!” she exclaimed. “Your Grandpa showed me the pictures he took this morning. They were adorable! Where is Hanji?”

“Shower.” I replied, more distracted with trying to pick a banana slice out from the pancake batter. It was like a scene from my childhood: me picking out the bananas, while Grandmere gently smacked my hands away, before finally shooing me to the other side of the kitchen.

I quickly washed my hands under piping hot water. Grandmere touched me.

“Did you sleep well?” I asked. Grandpa had sleeping issues, and she often woke up when he would get up in the middle of the night.

“Wonderfully! The guest bed you have is so soft!” She dropped another dollop of batter into the pan.

I snorted. That mattress was as old as fuck. How it could be soft, I had no idea.

I turned and started pulling down plates from the cabinet, having to stand on my tiptoes to reach, after glancing around to make sure no one was looking. It really pissed me off, how high up the cabinets were. The person who designed these apartments must have been a giant.

Right as I was pulling out the last plate, an unearthly screech from behind me startled me out of my thoughts. The sound immediately brought images of Petra’s bloody, broken body to mind, and I instantly was back in Krovla. My pulse sped up, adrenaline flooded my system, and I knew I had to act fast. I couldn’t let them hurt Petra. All I could think was _they’re gonna kill her they’re gonna kill her have to save her don’t let her die oh god please no not her too—_

“Levi!” Hanji’s voice interrupted my flashback. I looked at her in confusion, heart pounding and breaths coming in pants. She was standing right in front of me, hair dripping water, blocking my view of the rest of the kitchen. “Look at me, Levi. Look at me.” When I did, she continued. “Can I touch you?” I nodded mutely, not entirely understanding what was going on around me. My head felt fuzzy, and everything seemed far away.

I felt strong arms wrap around me. She smelled like my body wash. Lavender. “You’re safe, Levi. You’re safe. You’re here in Trost, you’re here with me. You are safe. Deep breaths, ok?” Hanji repeated over and over in my ear.

I peeked over her shoulder, and surveyed the scene in the kitchen. Grandmere was standing by the stove, holding her burned hand and looking at me with wide, afraid eyes. There was a shattered plate on the floor, and a dent in the wall a few inches from her head. What had I done?

“Did… did I throw… at Grandmere?” My body was trembling so hard that my voice shook.

“Not right now, Levi. Don’t think about it. Calm down. Come on.” Hanji interrupted, and started pulling me from the kitchen and back to the bedroom.

“It was my fault. It was my fault. I’m so sorry, I’m sorry. So so sorry.” I wasn’t entirely sure who I was talking to, but I knew I had to get the words out. I couldn’t have stopped my muttering even if I wanted to.

She shut the bedroom door, still pulling me, and I followed along in a daze, obeying when she sat me down on the edge of the bed and kneeled in front of me. My hand was on my knee, patting out seven beats, pausing, and repeating. Over and over again. One, two, three,four, five, six, seven. Wait. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.

“Levi, I need you to keep taking deep breaths, ok? Breathe in for two seconds, breathe out for two. In, and out.” She imitated the pattern for me with her own breaths.

I started coping her breathing, and felt my heart start to slow. Her slender fingers were brushing gently up and down my arms, being careful not to get in the way of my tapping hand.

When I had calmed down, she started talking. “Do you want to talk about it?” She asked quietly.

“Krovla. If I had… if I didn’t… all my fault.”

“Levi, it was not your fault. I don’t know what happened over there in Krovla, but I do know it was not your fault. If it was, you wouldn’t have been honorably discharged; you would have been stripped of your rank, and brought up on court martial.”

“But it was.” I whispered quietly. “It was my fault. We were sent out on a scouting mission, my squad and I. It was supposed to be an easy mission; even a cadet could have done it. Olou, my second in command, was complaining that it was us who Erwin sent. The job was one that typically new recruits get sent on. None of us knew why we were told to go, but it was a beautiful day. Petra was determined that we would have a good time, and soon enough she, Olou, and Eld were cracking jokes back and forth. Gunther was always a bit more serious, but even he was laughing.” I smiled at the memory. “Now see, there's a strict rule for how squad members interact with each other. No fraternizing allowed. It’s for safety reasons. If you are emotionally attached to people, it can lead to stupid decisions at the least, and death at the most. I knew Petra and Olou were in love though. They tried so hard to keep it secret, and they almost succeeded. If I didn’t have trouble sleeping, I never would have heard them at night.” I dropped my head into my hands, fisting my fingers into the long strands of hair and tugging harshly. “I didn’t have the heart to separate them when they were so happy. And because of that, they died.”

“Levi, what happened? You can talk to me about it. You can trust me.” Hanji whispered gently, placing her warm hand over my knee.

“We were ambushed. The Titans were waiting. I don’t know how they knew where we would be, or how they were able to stay hidden so well. They just came out of nowhere. About a dozen of them.” My eyes began to water.

“Petra… she had just told us that she was… she was…” I swallowed. “She was pregnant. Had just found out that morning. The baby was Olou’s obviously, and he looked so proud when she announced it. She should have told us before we left. I would have made her stay back, and she would have been put on medical leave. I got mad, and was chewing her out for risking her and the baby’s life like that, but she insisted that she would be fine for another few months. Right then was when the Titans appeared. I was several yards ahead of everyone else; it was my responsibility to walk in front and lead the squad. The Titans had waited until I was past them before they acted. I’d been too distract yelling at Petra to notice them. Eld and Gunther, they had families. Kids. They both put their immediate focus on protecting Petra and the baby, but they left themselves open in the process, and got shot almost immediately. Then Petra… Petra got shot, and Olou went ballistic. He ran directly at the Titans, screaming and waving his gun. It didn’t do any good. They killed him just as fast as Eld and Gunter.”

By this point, I was crying. I didn’t even care enough to try and hide it. I felt warm fingers brush across my cheeks, wiping the tears away.

“Petra was screaming and crying. She had gotten shot in the stomach, and was trying to claw her way over to Olou. I had been shooting back at the Titans the whole time, but they had good cover so I didn’t hit many. One of the bastards though, darted forward to where Petra was laying and snapped her neck. I lost it then, dropped my gun, and pulled out my knives. I’ve always been better with knives than guns. Spent a lot of years stabbing people before I joined the army. I was told by Erwin that I wasn’t allowed to carry anything but standard Army equipment, but I’d snuck my knives onto the base and kept them in my boots, because I couldn’t relax without them. So I killed them all. I killed every one of those motherfucking bastards. I just didn’t do it in time.”

I looked up at Hanji. Her chocolate colored eyes were wide with an emotion that I couldn’t place. It was probably fear. She was afraid of me; she had to be. Anybody with any sense would be. She was going to leave. She’d tell Erwin that she refused to see me as a patient anymore. I’d have to admit to my grandparents that I lied to them. I’d loose my pension.

My eyes slid shut, and I could feel an ugly urge creep up in my mind. _“You can forget it all.”_ It said. _“Just once more. That’s all it will take. Total bliss; a high like no other.”_ I shook my head rapidly, trying to shake the voice out. I froze when I felt Hanji’s fingers start running through my longer strands of hair, scattering my traitorous thoughts. Her fingertips slowly slipped down to scratch gently at my undercut, and I felt my body tremble as I leaned into the pleasant sensation.

“Levi,” she whispered. “You killed over a dozen terrorists with a set of hand knives?”

My eyes opened again, and I gave a rueful laugh before looking up at her. “There was a reason that I was nicknamed ‘Humanities Strongest.’ A lot of fucking good that did me though. My friends are all dead, and I couldn’t save them.”

Her arms wrapped around me again, and she squeezed tighter than ever before.

“Thank you for telling me, for trusting me. Thank you for everything you’ve done. Thank you Levi.” She whispered.

My mind screeched to a halt. She… She was thanking me? Nobody had ever thanked me for anything I did in the Army. Yes, they’d idolize Corporal Levi, glorify his missions to the point of legend, but nobody ever stopped to think about Levi the Human. There was no human side to Corporal Levi, they’d whisper. He was just a killing machine who cleaned bathrooms in his spare time. They had never stopped to think about the fact that a broken and scared little boy might have been hiding behind the mask of death glares and shit jokes. Hanji was the first one to see past the harsh exterior I put up. The first one to see me for who I was and not who I pretended to be.

“Hey.” Her voice gently pulled me out of my thoughts. “What do you want to tell your grandparents?”

“What do you mean?” I asked, confused as to why she’d bring them up all of the sudden.

She gave me a disbelieving look. “You threw a plate at Grandmere’s head because she burned herself on the frying pan. She needs some kind of explanation. I’ll go along with whatever you choose to tell them, but you have to tell them something.” Her hands were rubbing up and down my back in a soothing manner.

“They deserve the truth.” I noticed her eyes brighten at the implication, so I quickly continued. “Not all of it, but I should tell them about the PTSD. You’re not getting out of being my wife that easy.” I gave her a small grin. My hand stopped tapping.

She laughed, and I was amazed by the way her cheeks scrunched up to partially hide her sparkling eyes. She looked beautiful. I never wanted her to stop laughing.

The smile slipped from her face as she noticed my staring.

“What is it?” She asked. I could get lost in those eyes. They looked like liquid chocolate, and felt the sudden urge to try to drown myself in them.

Blinking rapidly to clear away the ridiculous path my mind was going down, I stood. “Nothing. Let’s go deal with Grandmere, before anything else goes wrong.” She quickly followed.

 

* * *

 

 

Grandmere had cleaned up the plate, and finished cooking. She and Grandpa had just sat down at the table with their food, when Hanji and I entered. She shot to her feet instantly.

“Levi! What happened? What was that? Why did you throw the plate at me?” She asked, not pausing to breathe in between questions.

Grandpa, before I could answer, looked up from his pancakes and spoke. “Sit down, dear. Give Levi a chance to answer.” He glanced up at me with a knowing look.

I took a deep breath and felt my hands start to tremble. Hanji must have noticed, because she immediately slipped her hand into mine and gave a reassuring squeeze.

“I have PTSD.” I cast my eyes to the floor, unwilling to look at my grandparents while I spoke. “Your scream, Grandmere, triggered some… unpleasant memories.” I looked back up. “I’m sorry about almost hitting you with the plate. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

Grandmere immediately stood and walked to where Hanji and I stood, and wrapped me in a warm embrace.

“You are safe with us.” She whispered. “You have me and your grandfather. We love you more than you can imagine. You also have Hanji. That girl’s a smart cookie. She knows what she’s doing.” She pulled back and gave me a wink.

I felt a slight blush on my cheeks, but felt so much calmer. Hanji must have heard what Grandmere had said, because she had perked up and was looking at the older woman with interest.

“Did you study psychology at all Grandmere?” She asked.

“Only PTSD. Your grandpa had it for several years, Levi.” She responded with a smile.

I turned to Grandpa in shock. I had no idea he had struggled with the same trauma I had.

Grandpa stood up. “I don’t want to talk about it. Go eat your breakfast, dears. There are ducks to feed!” He cried out excitedly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much, dear readers. You are wonderful. <3


	6. December 5th: Lying Monster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “If only it were all so simple! If only there were evil people somewhere insidiously committing evil deeds, and it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them. But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?”  
> -Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back again! :)

December 5: Wednesday

I was sitting in my office waiting for Eren to come in. It had been three days since Levi told me about what happened in Krovla. Those past few days have been quite calm. I would go to work in the morning ad come home to a fantastic dinner that Grandmerè made. Levi and I would talk a little bit, but mainly I would chat with his grandparents. I loved hearing about France, having always wanted to go, and they were more than happy to describe their home.

Because Levi had opened up so much on Sunday, I made sure that his daily question was relatively non-invasive. He had put a lot of trust in me then and made some real progress. I didn’t want to push too much and spook him. He reminded me a bit of a wild deer; move too fast and he’ll run, leaving you with no hope of catching him again. I had learned that he loved to eat seafood of any variety prepared in any way, ad that he was born in France but moved to America at fourteen. He tensed up when I had asked about that, so I dropped the subject.

I was desperately curious though. I had started making a list of unanswered things that I both learned and picked up on. I was unsure of which one of Grandmerè and Grandpa’s children was Levi’s parent—Kenny or Kutchel. Either way, Levi didn’t like to talk about either of them. He moved here as an early teen, yet that was a topic that was off-limits as well. Nightmares about traumatic childhood memories, and an extreme aversion to sex extending beyond simple celibacy that I wouldn’t have noticed if it hadn’t been for the way he reacted when Grandmerè mentioned us sleeping together were also mysterious subjects.

What had happened to him? The Krovla Incident, as I had started referring to it in my mind, could easily explain is sleeping troubles and was clearly the root of his PTSD, but there were too many other things that weren’t adding up.

“Hey Hanji!” Eren’s bright voice pulled me out of my thoughts. I glanced at the clock, noting that he was five minutes late, as usual. Punctuality was not his strong suit.

He strolled in leisurely, messy brown hair falling over his tanned forehead in a middle part that somehow did not look bad. Bright green eyes—which were brought out by the oversized green hoodie he was wearing—appeared to be confident, yet his right hand was shoved deep into the pocket, revealing his insecurity. Eren had once told me that he was so self-conscious about the bite marks he had left around his thumb that he taught himself to write with his left hand in order to hide the scars at school. I was one of the few people he was comfortable enough around to remove his hand from it’s home in whatever pocket his clothes had. The only others he trusted enough were Hannes, his guardian, and his partners, Mikasa and Armin.

“Hey! Did you bring me photos of Sonny and Bean?” I had texted him yesterday evening, asking if he would.

“I did, yeah! Sonny keeps slithering around all the time! He likes to get right up on the seam between the lid and wall in his tank, which I think freaks Mikasa out a bit, although she won’t admit it.” He chuckled.

“Show me, show me, show me!” I chanted excitedly, bouncing slightly in my seat. Sonny and Bean were my babies. I’d adopted them right after finishing my Bachelors degree, and they had kept me company ever since.

Eren passed his phone to me and I looked at the photos of my beautiful pets.

“Oh look,” I waved him closer. “Bean is going to shed soon. See his blue eyes? Probably by the end of the week. Make sure to take the skin out, okay? He’ll try to eat it, which could make him sick.

“Got it.” He replied, before taking his phone back and sitting down on the couch.

“So, how are things going with Armin and Mikasa?” I asked.

The three of them had recently formed a queerplatonic poly-relationship. Because all three were my patients, I asked if we could schedule a group session for them, just to talk over their relationship before they made it official. It went wonderfully. They all ended up coming out to me at the group session, and all three were on the aromantic spectrum, amusingly enough. Eren was an aromantic asexual, while Armin was pansexual and quoiromantic, and Mikasa was a lithromantic heterosexual. The fact that they all lived together gave them a bit of discomfort. Initially, Mikasa and Eren refused to tell him about their relationship, but Armin talked them into it, pointing out that Hannes was one of the most accepting people they knew.

“They’re doing great! Don’t they have sessions this week too?” He asked.

My eyes rolled back in my head as I thought back to my schedule. “No, Armin doesn’t. He has sessions only once a month now, and Mikasa is down to every other week.”

“Oh,” he looked down dejectedly. “They’re getting better so much faster than I am.” His scarred hand, which he had pulled out during our conversation earlier, was shoved back into the pocket deeper than before.

““Eren, look at me.” I said firmly, and when he did, I continued. “It doesn’t matter how fast they’re healing. It doesn’t matter how long it takes you to do the same. You are not them. You are a different person, with a different mind. Your mind reacted the way it did in an attempt to shield itself from the horror you saw, ok? It did such a good job at protecting itself that it understandably will take a little longer to let it’s walls down than Armin and Mikasa’s minds did.”

I wish this was the first time I’d had this conversation with Eren, but he frequently would get down on himself for needing more sessions than his partners.

I had diagnosed Mikasa with Acute Stress Disorder, and Dependent Personality Disorder. The ASD had faded years ago thankfully, and now we were focused on her growing as an individual, separate from Eren and Armin. 

Armin on the other had, had Dissociative Identity Disorder and severe Social Anxiety. We had gone through some quite intensive sessions together and all of his personalities had merged back together, so now he just needed what I liked to call “maintenance sessions.” Essentially those were just monthly checkups for him to vent about whatever might be stressing him, and for us to make new social goals. This month, he was working on coughing in public. While it would seem like such a small thing to most, it was an incredibly difficult task for Armin. Getting up to use the restroom in public had been a particularly troublesome manifestation of his anxiety. It had taken him several months to become comfortable with doing that, and I bought him a travel guide to the Caribbean as a celebration.

Traveling had always been a dream of Armin’s, but it was one he was afraid he’d never be able achieve. His substitution was to obsessively read geography books and analyze travel guides. 

Eren and I spent his entire session discussing his school. He was a sophomore this year, and the feeling of excitement had faded, leaving him tired and bored. Boredom was the worst thing possible for Eren, as it provided ample opportunities to pick back up his self-destructive habits. We schemed up several new ideas for him to use during dull moments. 

As his session came to a close, he invited me to an ugly sweater party that Hannes was hosting in two weeks. I was incredibly flattered, but told him that most likely I would have to decline. Going would mean that I’d have to come up with reasons for Levi’s grandparents as to why he wasn’t invited, and that would just bring more complication and lies. There were enough of those already.

Once Eren was gone, I checked my phone and saw a text from Levi. I had renamed his contact, just for the hell of it.

**From Short Stuff:**  
**Grandparents want to come bring you coffee. Have a gap in your schedule?**

**From Hanji Zoë**  
**Yeah. Just finished up with last patient. Come on by. I have to stay a few more hours to do paperwork. Please, don’t let me do paperwork. Distract me.**

After quickly pressing send, I jumped up and ran to the reception area to find Ilse. She had stumbled across an online advert announcing an opening for a receptionist position several months ago, and was absolutely wonderful at her job. Too wonderful, sometimes. About as straight-laced as you could get, she was not likely to let anything go on that she thought was suspicious. Normally, that would be wonderful, but it could cost both me and Levi our asses this time if we didn’t tread carefully.

“Hey Ilse? Levi Ackerman is going to be coming in for a few minutes. He’ll have an old couple with him. For the next four weeks, he isn’t a patient. Pretend he’s my husband. Don’t bother asking, because I won’t tell you why.” Thinking quickly to our conversations over the time she’s worked here, I added on a bribe that I knew she wouldn’t be able to refuse. “I’ll buy you lunch for a week if you do, ok?”

  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  


They showed up right before I finished picking up. I had been attempting to putt all the books on the coffee table away. Drinking coffee at a coffee table was something I hadn’t ever actually done, so the idea of finally doing so was strangely pleasing. 

“Hello, Hanji dear!” Grandpa called, as they slowly made their way into my room. “We have brought you coffee!”

Grandmerè made an excited noise and spun slowly, looking over the room. “I love the way your office is decorated! It looks like the home of an eclectic genius. I’ll bet that the comforting atmosphere helps your patients relax, right?”

“Um, yeah. It does.” I replied with a slight smile. I actually had no idea if it did or not; it was just an assumption. Logically, a warm, homey environment would be easier to relax in than one that feels overly professional or cold. None of my patients but Levi had commented on it though, and while he was disgusted my the “mess,” whether or not the others liked it was a mystery.

Levi scoffed, yet threw a smirk my way. “Unless the patient has OCD.” 

I couldn’t help but laugh. He was getting comfortable enough around me to joke about himself, even if it was indirectly. 

“Yeah, I always schedule a fifteen-minute break before I see my OCD patients so that I have a chance to sterilize everything for them.” I chuckled.

We moved to sit, with Levi and I taking the couch.

After that, the grandparents and I talked about anything and everything, while Levi stayed silent. I was the one asking the most questions, about their childhood, travels, memories, and things they’d learned over the years. We talked until the coffee was gone, and I had completely exhausted all of the appropriate questions I could ask. It thrilled them that I was so interested in them, I could tell by the bright glint of happiness in their eyes, something that was hard to fake, and it made me happy as well.

 

“Oh my, we’ve been talking about ourselves now for far too long. Please Hanji, tell us about yourself.” Grandpa said with a lighthearted laugh. I was surprised by the comment, my facial expression making both the grandparents chuckle some more.

“Oh, okay. Well… Um…” I was at a total loss. I didn’t really want to go into my past at all, but felt like I couldn’t refuse them. “What do you want to know?” I asked, hoping that they would stick to safe topics.

“Well, what’s your family like?” Grandmerè asked.

Damn. Never mind. No safe topics for me today. “Uh, I um… I have a brother. Kind of. He is kind of my brother. I lived with his family for several years.” 

“Really! How interesting. Why? Where was your family?” Grandpa chimed in.

“Never met them. I was left at the hospital after my mother gave birth. She somehow was able to register under a fake name, so when she left without me, the police were unable to contact her. I bounced around from foster home to foster home, before being adopted for three years in middle school by an older man. He was wonderful; like the father I’d never had.” My hands started fidgeting nervously in my lap. Levi noticed, and he reached out to grab one and hold it tightly, occasionally brushing the rough pad of his thumb across my knuckles. It was a comforting gesture, and I sent him a slight smile as thanks.

“Was? Did something happen?” Grandmerè asked.

“Yeah, uhm… He died of a heart attack when I was fourteen. He had no family either, so I was kicked back to the foster system which is when I met Moblit, my kind-of brother. His family was wonderful. Paid for my college and everything!” I sighed when I felt the tension in the air. I didn’t want to bring down the happy atmosphere, but what was I supposed to do? I had to lie, and it wasn’t a very good one either.

I hated this, hated it so much that it physically hurt, but if I told them what really happened, what would they think of me then? I had to make my “family” sound good, well-rounded. No way was I going to ruin things for Levi with the truth.

It was no good.

“I’m so sorry to hear that, Hanji.” Grandpa leaned across the table to pat my knee. “Death is never an easy thing, especially for family.”

“People tend to pity me when I talk about this, but I hate that. It’s my life, and while it might not be quite as happy or easy as somebody else’s, it’s still mine. I got into a good college, and made it here! I managed to build something good out of my troubles. I have Moblit, my friends, work, and now Levi.” I wrapped an arm around Levi’s shoulder, which he promptly responded to by lacing his fingers in with mine and placing a kiss on my jaw. It almost felt like he was saying sorry to me as well, but silently and in a way that wouldn’t blow our cover.

“That’s right, and you also have us. We’re your family as well now.” His grandmother spike up. Honestly, that statement made me want to cry for multiple reasons. The first was the statement itself. Moblit used to say that to me when I was feeling down, and I missed him enough as it was. Also though, because it was so sweet, so kind, and so thoughtful of them to say that. 

That was why I wanted to cry.

I was lying. I was a lying bitch. I lied to Levi’s grandparents, I lied to Levi, I lied to myself. I wasn’t really married to Levi, wasn’t really a part of his family, and here they were being so kind to me. I didn’t deserve that affection and love. I had allowed myself to get wrapped up in this fantasy that Levi and I were enacting; allowed myself to be comforted by the feeling of family, even though it wasn’t really mine to keep. Soon, this would all end, and Levi would return to his life like nothing had happened, while I would be left feeling empty again.

“Hanji, I would love to meet your brother soon. Does he live here in Trost?” Grandpa broke me out of my deep, personal thoughts.

“Yes, not far actually. Although he has been out of the country for a few weeks. He should be coming home on Monday. I can talk to him when he gets back and schedule something.” I suggested with a smile. Hell, I was going to have to bring Moblit into this little lie that Levi and I were putting on. _That_ was going to go well.

“That’d be lovely.” Grandmerè cooed. 

The tense atmosphere slowly dissipated, and remained a figment of imagination the rest of the time.

Levi and his grandparents didn’t stay for much longer. When they got up to leave, Levi walked them out to the car and I collapsed on the sofa facedown. I was physically, mentally, and emotionally drained after the surprise visit.

The door creaked open, and I heard Levi’s voice call my name.

“Yeah?” I craned my neck to see him from where I was sprawled out. 

“I… Hanji, I…” He looked incredibly uncomfortable, but there was a determined spark in his gray eyes. He swallowed, and fixed me with a firm look. “From one liar to another, you’re good. Like, really good. It’s almost scary.”

I felt a few apprehensive butterflies appear in my stomach. What lies were he talking about? Was it simply the whole “pretending to be married" fiasco? Or could he tell that the stories about my family were just that: stories?

“I don’t know what happened with your family, but I’m sorry.” Damn, he saw through the lies about my family. “I don’t know what happened, but…” He paused again. “You don’t have to pretend that it doesn’t hurt.”

He turned and left before I could reply.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to say thanks to ALiC_P for mentioning to me in a comment that Armin seemed like he could have DID in this AU! It was something I hadn't thought of, and it was an absolutely fantastic idea. Because I already have the entire story planned out, including the ending, I can't include more than a mention of that in Armin's past, but I loved the idea so much that I had to reference it once.
> 
> Definitions and Explanations! Here we go.
> 
>  **Aromantic** is someone who does not feel romantic attraction  
>  **Pansexuality** is the sexual attraction to a person of any sex or gender  
>  **Quoiromantic** is someone who can not determine the difference between romantic attraction and platonic attraction.  
>  **Lithromantic** is someone who feels romantic attraction, but is fine with/does not want those feelings returned.
> 
> I think everybody knows what heterosexual is, and Hanji explained asexuality back in chapter 2.
> 
> Also, definitions of the different disorders that Mikasa and Armin have:
> 
>  **Acute Stress Disorder** is an intense, yet short, type of PTSD. It lasts for one month. If it persists longer, then it is classified as PTSD.
> 
>  **Dependent Personality Disorder** is a personality disorder that is characterized by a pervasive psychological dependence on other people.
> 
>  **Dissociative Identity Disorder** , or **DID** is a mental disorder characterized by the appearance of at least two distinct and relatively enduring, dissociative identities that control a person’s behavior,accompanied by memory impairment for important information not explained by ordinary forgetfulness.
> 
>  **Social Anxiety** is an anxiety disorder in which a person has an excessive and unreasonable fear of social situations. Anxiety (intense nervousness) and self-consciousness arise from a fear of being closely watched, judged, and criticized by others.
> 
> And finally, a **Queerplatonic** relationship is one that is not romantic but involves a close emotional connection (platonic) beyond what most people consider friendship. The commitment level in a queerplatonic relationship is often considered to be similar to that of a romantic relationship. A **Poly** relationship is one that involves three or more people. There is a variety amongst both queerplatonic and poly relationships.


	7. December 8th: Closeted Skeletons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "But there’s a story behind everything. How a picture got on a wall. How a scar got on your face. Sometimes the stories are simple, and sometimes they are hard and heartbreaking."  
> \--Mitch Albom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a 4k paper due in 1 1/2 weeks, and five smaller ones due on Saturday. So what do I do? Ignore them and write fanfiction.
> 
> Also: trigger warning for mentions of self-harm.

December 8: Saturday

Cold fingertips brushed along the skin of my stomach, slowly beginning to draw me out of the warmth of sleep. Grumbling, I turned onto my side and reached for the blankets, jerking them up over my shoulders before drifting back into oblivion.

* * *

When I woke again, I was alone. Levi’s side of the bed had been made, and the sun was streaming through the windows. Checking my phone, I saw that it was 10:30. I sat up with a start. Sleeping in wasn’t something I usually did, but I hadn’t been sleeping as well since I started staying with Levi. He would get up and leave the room sometime in the night, and return right before sunrise every morning. I could tell he tried to be quiet and not wake me, but I was unused to hearing noise while sleeping so I always woke as soon as he started moving. I had asked him why he always left the room a few days ago, as one of his daily questions, and he said that when he can’t sleep, he sits in the living room and reads. He hadn’t had anymore nightmares since that first one, at least none that had woken me up. He said that he’d been sleeping better this past week as well. A strange feeling had started stirring in me when he said that, but I pushed it down and ignored it. 

Climbing out of bed, I went into the bathroom and turned on the shower. Levi had a very nice shower, and it had taken me a bit of fiddling with all the knobs to figure out how to make it work. It was large, with black tiling and glass walls. I don’t know how much work he must put into keeping the tiles shiny and clean, but they always were, so much so that I could see my face reflected in them.

I stripped off my clothes and started to climb in, when I caught a glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror. Seeing my body always caught me off guard. I turned to face the reflection fully, and felt tears well up in my eyes.

Massive burn scars stretched across my torso. Covering parts of my right breast, wrapping around to my back, venturing over past my navel, descending to my upper thigh, hips, and butt. They weren’t smooth like most scars were. They were pocked, lumpy, and uneven from where my skin had melted then cooled. Mostly white, but there was still some red in parts, even though it had been years since my burning. Memories of it started swimming up before my eyes unbidden. Sitting on a dingy and stained bed sheets, holding a lighter. Crying in the bathroom from my clothes irritating my healing blisters. The agony of the fire, the pleasure I found in the pain. The hell I created for myself. 

Shaking my head, I scattered the dark thoughts but continued looking at the damage I’d inflicted on myself. My fingers started skimming across the wrinkled and ruined skin of my lower abdomen, when suddenly I remembered what I had thought was a dream this morning. Cold fingers. Not on my shirt, but under it. Touching me, my scars. Not a dream, but reality. Shit. Levi.

I started gasping. No. Why? Why would he touch me? Had my shirt slipped up while I was sleeping? Did he touch them out of some sort of morbid curiosity? Sinking to the floor, I struggled to take deep breaths. In and out. In and out. The patterns Dr. Pixis had taught me floated back to mind, and I repeated them until I felt myself calm.

The shower was still running, and the mirror had fogged completely. Pulling myself back to my feet, I stepped in to the stream of water. Levi and I were going to have to have a serious talk today.

* * *

Walking into the living room, I saw Levi reading, but couldn’t find Grandmerè and Grandpa. I peeked into the kitchen, but they weren’t there either. I’d had to walk past their room to get to here, and the door was open, revealing it to be empty.

Eyes returning to Levi, I smiled a bit at how adorable he looked. He was curled up on the end of the couch, covered in an impressively fluffy blanket, and looking even smaller than usual. A furrow was between his thin eyebrows as his eyes rapidly scanned the pages of the book in his hands. Taking a glance at the cover, I noticed the title was French. _“Les Fleurs du Mal.”_ Huh. Never heard of it. It looked interesting though. It had a simple cover, with just one flower on it, but it managed to look somewhat disturbing nevertheless. I’d have to look it up later, and see if I could find an English translation somewhere. I’d also have to remember that blanket. I wanted to sleep with it tonight.

“Where’s the family?” I asked, padding over to the sofa and plopping down gracelessly. 

“Went out for a walk.” He replied, a bit distractedly as he turned a page.

I hummed in acknowledgement. After thinking on it for a few moments, I decided that I would eat something before I confronted Levi. I got cranky when I was hungry, and I really didn’t want to loose my temper with him; he was my patient after all.

Getting up and moving into the kitchen, I could feel his eyes on me. I started rummaging through the cabinets to find something to satisfy my stomach.

“We just ate fruit and toast this morning. It’s all in the fridge.” Levi called.

Sure enough, I found some sliced strawberries, kiwi, and melon in a container. There was a loaf of bread next to it, that looked like it was homemade. Pulling everything out, I resumed my peeking in the drawers to find a bread knife and cutting board.

“Did Grandmerè make the bread?” I asked. It looked delicious. Perfectly browned and smelling fresh.

“No, I did.” He replied.

“Really? I didn’t know you could bake. It looks wonderful.” 

“Thank you.” I heard him turn another page in his book.

After popping two slices of the bread in the toaster, I found a plate and served myself some of the fruit before returning it to the fridge.

Once my toast was done, I buttered it and placed it next to the fruit before returning to the sofa to eat.

Levi glanced up at me when I sat down.

“Don’t you dare get any crumbs on my sofa.” He grouched.

Laughing, I picked up a piece of the bread. “Don’t worry, Mr. Grumpy Pants. I’ll be careful.” I said, before taking a large bite. Letting out a moan, my eyes widened as I stared at my food before I turned to the small man next to me.

“This is fantastic! Holy hell, where did you learn to bake like this?” I exclaimed with my mouth full. The crust of the bread was perfectly crunchy, while the inside was light and soft. The butter had melted, and started dripping down the backside of my hand.

While his face wrinkled in disgust at my lack of manners, I could see a faint tinge of pink spreading across his cheekbones as he muttered a quiet thanks.

I quickly scarfed down the rest of my breakfast and placed the dish in the sink, cleaning my hands off, and returned to the sofa. Levi was watching my every move, and I saw his eyes flick downwards several times. I could only assume he was glancing to where he knew my scars were.

“Levi, why were you touching me this morning.” 

His eyes widened a bit. He must have thought I was asleep.

“I wasn’t being pervy!” He said quickly. I think his voice came out louder than he meant to, because his eyes grew even bigger.

I scoffed. “I know that, but it still was ridiculously inappropriate. What on earth possessed you to shove your hand up my shirt?”

He lowered his head, cheeks a brighter pink then before. He seemed to be thinking something over, before he turned back to me, attitude completely different.

“You sleep with the blankets bunched up around you like you’re some sort of human burrito.” He said confidently, keeping firm eye contact. “I was getting up, and my grandparents were already awake. You weren’t though. I pulled all the blankets off of you, hoping that’d wake you up. It didn’t. Your shirt had slipped up in your sleep. I saw your scars, and couldn’t help but wonder what the hell happened to you.” 

“If your grandparents aren’t in the room, then you do not touch me like that. I am your doctor, and you are my patient. When we aren’t faking a relationship for your family, we will maintain our professional boundaries. Don’t do it again, are we clear?” I asked firmly.

“Fine. What happened to you?” He didn’t look away.

“Nothing I want to talk about, Levi.” I sighed and stood, but before I could go far, his hand shot out and grabbed my arm.

“Who hurt you?” He was practically growling.

I turned and cast an irritated glance at him. He looked livid. “What makes you think someone hurt me?”

“If you’d been caught in a house fire, you would have just said so. No need to hide it.” 

Getting pissed, I tried to jerk my arm out of his grip, but he was too strong. 

“The fact that you’re trying to leave is proving my point.” He said with an infuriating little smirk.

That little smirk pushed me over the edge. Turning, I got right up in his face.  
“I did it to myself, Levi! Now get your fucking hand off of me!” I snarled, giving him my best glare.

Looking stunned, his arm fell limply to his side. 

I didn’t back down, but instead moved even closer, making him have to crane his neck back to keep making eye contact. 

“I don’t force you to talk about the shit you’ve been through, ok? Yes, I make you answer a question once a day, but in case you haven’t noticed, I keep those questions pretty superficial. I haven’t asked for any more details on your nightmares, I haven’t asked why you’re celibate. I haven’t asked what happened to your parents, or forced you to talk about why you lived with your grandparents sometimes. I’ve _respected_ you _and_ your privacy, and yet you won’t do the same for me? You can’t be bothered to put aside your own morbid curiosity to consider that I _might_ have some skeletons I’d prefer to keep hidden away too? That you’re not the only one with a past you’d _love_ forget?” With a bitter laugh, I turned and stormed off to his bedroom.

I shut the door and locked it, before turning and sliding down it into a crouching position. Wrapping my arms around my waist, I squeezed in an attempt to hold in the sobs. They still broke through though, so I held my hands against my mouth in an attempt to at least be quiet. What the hell had I just done? I’d freaked out on Levi. Yes, he’d pushed me, but I was still responsible for my actions. I couldn’t put the blame on anyone but myself. I was supposed to be helping him work through his issues, not screaming in his face about my own. I was pathetic. Why had I even reacted like that? It was so out of character. I was usually much harder to anger. 

An old, frighteningly familiar itch began to creep through my fingers. An urge that never fully left, no matter how many years had passed. 

I quickly went to my bag and pulled out my book before settling on the bed. Reading was my escape. I could take my mind of the thought that was trying to worm its way between my defenses. 

I was only a few pages in when Levi knocked on the door.

“Hanji? Can I come in?” He asked.

Taking a deep breath, I found that I had significantly calmed, and so I stood and let him in.

His face didn’t give away what he was thinking. After staring at me for almost a minute, he finally spoke.

“You were right. The way I acted was completely out of line. I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.” He nodded, and turned to go, but I grabbed his shoulder and pulled him back around. 

His stoic apology, lacking in any attempt at excuses followed by a hasty retreat must be a habit the military drilled into him. 

“I know this isn’t how things are done in the Army,” I began with a slight smile, “but I require a hug after an apology.”

He smiled faintly, and obliged me. When he tried to move away though, I tightened my arms around him and buried my face into his hair. It was soft and feathery, smelling like the lavender scented soaps that filled his shower.

“I’m sorry too, Levi. I shouldn’t have gotten angry and yelled.” I hesitated before continuing. “Why did you get so angry? You were pissed before I was.”

He sighed. “I’m not the best with words so I’m going to apologize in advance if this comes out weird.” He said, tightening his own grip on me in return. “I care about you, Hanji. I know I don’t act like it, but I do. You put up with more shit from me than most would. The thought that someone hurt you that bad…” He paused and changed the direction his words were going. “You’re one of the few people I know I can trust.” His voice dropped down to a whisper, and he tucked his head into the corner between my shoulder and neck.

That floored me. Coming from him, with his PTSD, the fact that he trusted me meant that I had made far more progress with him than I thought I had. 

His voice broke me out of my thoughts.

“Are you sure this is ok? You were pretty adamant about no touching earlier.” I could feel his lips smirking against my neck, the skin of his jaw slightly rough from the almost invisible stubble there.

I rolled my eyes. “Hugging is fine. Hands up my shirt isn’t.” My tone was teasing.

He chuckled. “I know. I’m just messing with you.”

“You know, there are actually quite a few psychological benefits from hugging? It stimulates several hormones in the brain, mainly oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin. It also helps restore parasympathetic balance.”

Levi pulled back and gave me an unimpressed stare.

“You are a total nerd. I have no idea what any of that means.” He said dryly.

I grinned sheepishly. “Sorry. I forget that most people don’t care as much as I do about things like that.”

“It’s fine, I guess.” He rolled his eyes, and turned to go back to the living room.

* * *

Grandmerè and Grandpa returned shortly after Levi and I made up. Grandmerè had questioned me as to why my eyes were red and swollen, and I told her that I’d had an allergic reaction to a new brand of mascara. Levi shot me a thumbs up as soon as she wasn’t looking.

The rest of the day was spent playing board games. After Levi destroyed us at Risk, Grandpa insisted on playing a trivia game, thinking he’d have more of a chance at winning. Unfortunately for him, he had no chance. I dominated every category there was, not missing a single question. Grandmerè then suggested that we play poker, but it essentially was just a one-on-one competition between Levi and I. We both had years of practice at hiding things, so it was a close game. I won though, and when I did, I jumped up and started singing Lady Gaga.

_“Can’t read my, can’t read my, no he can’t read my poker face!”_

I even did an awful little victory dance, which got everyone laughing, including Levi. Hearing his beautiful laugh again made my evening.

“How the fuck did you get so good at poker?” He asked, still smiling. “Nobody’s ever beaten me before.”

“Rivaille! Don’t talk like that it front of your Grandmerè.” Grandpa interrupted playfully before I could reply.

Grandmerè spoke at the same time, telling Levi not to talk to his “wife” like that.

I shushed them. “It’s fine, really. It’s just how Levi is.” I said, winking at him. “I’m so good at reading you because I’ve got a doctorate in psychology. I make my living off of studying people’s behavior. Figuring out a few tells in a game of poker is child’s play.” I smirked at Levi.

He dropped his cards on the table and pointed vehemently at me. “No more poker for you! You’re cheating! That means I win!” He exclaimed loudly.

“I didn’t cheat!” I feigned offence. 

“Yes you did! Your science shit has no place in a game of cards!” It looked like he was trying not to smile.

“Levi! Language!” Grandpa cried, causing Levi to groan as if he was in agony.

Later on that evening, I stepped out onto Levi’s balcony and called Moblit. He was excited to hear from me at first, but once I explained why I was calling him, he grew angry.

“You’re pretending to me _married_ to a _patient?!_ ” 

“Yes, and I need you to come over for dinner one day next week. His grandparents want to meet you.”

I heard him sigh, and could picture him dragging his hand across his face as he always did when I exasperated him.

“I have no choice, do I?” He groaned.

With a smile at my victory, I confirmed his fears.

After deciding that he could come Tuesday, we talked about his trip. He had been traveling all over Asia for work, and he told me he’d found me a gift at one of the places he stopped at. No matter how much I begged, he wouldn’t tell me what it was.

Right before he hung up, I suddenly remembered something. 

“Moblit, I made up some lies about your family.”

“What are they?” I could hear the sadness in his voice, a clear contrast to our happy conversation earlier.

“Nothing specific. I just made it sound like a happy, healthy family.”

He sighed. “Got it. We can fake that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on Tumblr! Click [here](http://theraven4597.tumblr.com) and come say hi! Send a message or whatever. It could be awesome.


	8. December 10th: Metaphysically Clean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You may tell the greatest lies and wear a brilliant disguise, but you can’t escape the eyes of the one who sees right through you."  
> \--Tom Robbins, Villa Incognito

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, it has been a while, hasn't it! Life has been insanely busy recently. Either way, here's another chapter for you lovelies! 
> 
> Also! Exciting news! I've uploaded the first chapter of Hanji's backstory! It's called Broken! Go check it out, and lemme know what you think! :)

December 10: Monday 

 

Levi had been acting different around me since our fight Saturday. It wasn’t… bad different; just not normal. He was less abrupt, less reserved, less… unemotional wasn’t quite right, but I didn’t know how else to describe it. 

I frequently caught his eyes lingering on my midsection when he thought I wasn’t aware. It left me with a vulnerable, transparent feeling. Levi had seen parts of myself that I tried my hardest to keep hidden. He’d get this strange look in his eye sometimes, and it took everything in me to convince myself it wasn’t pity I was seeing. I wouldn’t be able to continue staying here if I thought he pitied me.

 _Softer_. That was it. Levi was softer. And slightly more hesitant around me. It was strange. The hesitance was a bit annoying, but the softer part was very nice. It left me with an odd sort of feeling in my chest. It was another ambiguous thing I couldn’t name. Not quite happy, not quite sad, sort of lonely yet also like I’d finally found someone who understood me. 

Bittersweet. That’s what it was. A calm bittersweet feel.

I wondered how long it would last.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
At work, I had the hardest time focusing. My mind kept wandering to Moblit’s imminent visit. We’d talked on the phone again yesterday, and he’d said that if he didn’t like Levi, he was going to tell the grandparents all about our lie, drag me back to my apartment, and keep me there under lock and key if need be. It was sweet how much he cared, but it made me nervous too. What if he didn’t like Levi? I didn’t doubt him on his threat. After how much he’d stood up for me in high school, I knew he would absolutely would follow through when it came to my safety. 

He’d also called Nanaba and told zir about what I was doing. That was irritating. Zie’d called me in a panic, asking what the fuck was wrong with me

Moblit was coming over tomorrow, and when I got home from work, Levi was in a state of quiet panic because of it. I was too, but I hid it better than he did. His way of coping was to reorganize the linen closet. Everything had been pulled out and was strewn across the living room in heaps. There were several boxes stacked on the coffee table, a bulky vacuum in the corner, and sheets and towels spread across the sofas. The only open seat was the corner one that Levi typically sat in.

I’d passed him in the hall outside of his apartment. His arms were full of blankets, and after a brief and awkward hello, he’d announced that he was doing laundry and limped off.

After peeking quietly around the house, I realized that the grandparents must be napping. There was a pot of a delicious-smelling soup slowly simmering on the stove, and the table had already been set.

Finding nothing I could do to help, I went and sat in the only clear spot on the sofa, and looked longingly at the boxes. I really wanted to open them. What was in them? The curiosity was starting to get painful.

Shifting slightly on the uncomfortable cushion, I tried to figure out how much time I had until Levi got back. The laundry room was in the basement. With his bad leg, it would take him a bit to walk to the elevator and back. The front door was not in view of the living room, so if I just kept my ears open, I would be able to hide the evidence of my snooping once I heard it open. 

I pounced on the box closest to me. It was emptier than I would have guessed. Inside was a few dozen old polaroid photos, and a handful of tapes. The photos were dirty and crumpled around the corners. They had obviously been through the ringer. Picking up one of the photos at random, my breath caught.

It showed someone who could only be a young Levi, maybe fifteen or sixteen and the most. He was smiling and covered in dirt. There was a bigger blond boy on one side, and a girl with bright green eyes on the other. The girl was the one holding the camera with one hand, and she had the other arm wrapped tightly around Levi’s shoulders. They were all dressed in ragged, mismatched clothing. I assumed it was a Halloween get-up of sorts, maybe they were playing characters from Oliver Twist? They were adorable together, and Levi’s smile was so bright. 

Reaching and pulling out another, I started feeling a little wary. It was Levi and the boy, dressed the same, in what could only be an alley. The blond boy was standing, leaning against the brick wall smiling at the camera, while Levi was crouched down petting a skeletal kitten, completely unaware of the picture being taken. There was litter scattered around their feet, and a dumpster could be seen on the very edge of the frame.

The third picture I pulled out made me sit back in shock. It was taken inside an abandoned building. There were opened cans of food spread on the ground around a little fire pit. The boy must have been the one behind the camera this time, because the photo showed Levi and the little red-headed girl curled up, sharing a sleeping bag. The girl was asleep, and Levi wasn’t far from it, judging by the droopy eyes and languid smile spreading across his cheeks.

He had been homeless. That wasn’t a Halloween costume, it was his clothes. The boy and the girl weren’t just friends, they were his family.

I quickly started looking at all the other pictures in the box. In every one, the three were dirty. I noticed for the first time how hungry they looked. Frequently the photos featured Levi snuggled up to someone, typically the boy. There were some scenery shots mixed in, showing buildings or plants growing out of brick walls. I wondered who had taken the photos. The girl was only in a few of the photos, so I concluded it must have been her camera. The last photo I found showed her holding up a packaged video camera, smiling widely with a few tear tracks through the smudges on her face. Levi was standing off to the side blushing, looking very pleased. He must have given that to her, but I wondered where on earth he’d gotten his hands on it.

The sound of the front door pulled me from the photos, and I quickly placed them back in the box, closed the lid, and plopped back on the sofa, which was a bad plan. There was a hard lump in the cushion that I swear bruised my tailbone. What was going on with this sofa? The other end was incredibly comfortable. How was it Levi sat here all the time?

Speaking of, Levi came around the corner holding a different set of sheets than he had carried down. He gave me a slightly worried look, eyes lingering a bit too long, before asking if I’d help him fold the laundry in his arms.

“You know, Moblit is an incredibly messy guy. He’s not gonna look in your linen closet to see how clean the bed sheets are.” I said with a slight smile, getting up and reaching for one end of a flat sheet.

Levi gaves me a weak glare. “I know that. I just… I need something to distract myself, and doing laundry is always a good idea.”

I chuckled. “I hate laundry. If you ever want something to do, feel free to tackle mine.”

He looked up, slightly offended. “How can you hate doing laundry? Everything ends up clean! Being really clean is sometimes the most important thing there is.”

Did he like being clean so much because he was dirty for so long? Did this stem back to living on the streets next to dumpsters and starving cats? 

He and I walked towards each other, bringing the ends of the sheet together.

“Have you been reading too much Murakami, Levi?” I didn’t realize how close I’d gotten to him while working on the sheet. I could smell the now-familiar scent of his lavender and vanilla soaps that he loved so much.

He broke eye contact with a small smile and faint blush. “You like him too?”

“Absolutely! I’d say my favorite one of his works is probably Hard-Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World. What about you? Is it Kafka on the Shore?” Since that was the book he’d quoted, I could only assume so.

“Yeah. It’s probably my favorite book, actually. His writing is so…” Levi trailed off as he searched for the word.

“Surreal? Dream-like?” I provided.

He nodded, reaching for another sheet. “It’s hypnotizing; the way he can bend words so easily. I love Kafka on the Shore so much just because you can never tell what’s really happening and what’s not. The whole story is like one big nebulous idea that leaves you wondering what the hell you just read, and why you liked it so much. The motif is really powerful as well. It… gives me hope, you know?”

“I do.” I smiled. “Ugh, I hate folding the fitted sheets. Can’t you just wad it up?” 

Levi gave me another glare, a bit stronger than the first. “Absolutely not. Give me your end. I’ll do it myself.” 

I happily complied, and returned to my lumpy seat.

He left shortly after that, taking more laundry downstairs. Once I was sure he was gone, I went back to the sofa and sat. The motif of Kafka on the Shore was that even if we could not change our fate, we could at least turn it to our advantage. It had resonated a lot with me as well, but the book tended to wander too far into the metaphysical at times for my tastes. I wondered though, what had Levi accepted as fate, and how was he trying to form a good life despite that? Was he simply referring to his PTSD, or was it connected to the photos of him living homeless with his friends?

Getting fed up with the uncomfortable prodding from the sofa, I stood and lifted the cushion. What I saw underneath sent a powerful chill down my back.

It was a gun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you get tired of screaming at me on here, you can also scream at me on Tumblr.  
> URL: Theraven4597


	9. December 10th: Assorted Leaves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Things come apart so easily when they have been held together with lies.”  
> ―Dorothy Allison, _Bastard Out of Carolina_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you haven't already, go check out _Broken_! It's Hanji's backstory!

December 10: Monday

It was a gun. A little hand gun, tucked away under the sofa cushion that Levi always sat on. That was why it was so uncomfortable when the rest of the sofa was soft. There was a fucking _gun_ under the cushion. 

I dropped the cushion back into it’s place and went to sit in the kitchen. The fact that he had a gun wasn’t what bothered me. He was a soldier. Guns came with the territory. What sickened me was the combination of where it was hidden and his mental state. Why the sofa? Why the living room? He _always_ sat in that seat, and now I knew why. His PTSD must be worse than he let on. How bad did it have to be for him to feel the need to do something like that? Was the medication actually helping? If so, how bad would it be if he stopped taking it?

I felt another chill as a thought dawned on me. If Levi had a gun hidden in his sofa, then chances were he had more hidden elsewhere. I glanced the kitchen cabinets. Which one held the gun? Was there one in our room? One in the bathroom? What was the extent of this? How many guns did Levi have? How many—

I needed to calm down. Taking several deep breaths, I spread my hands out on the table and the cool wood brought a grounding feeling with the contact. Levi was a soldier. He understood guns, was comfortable around them, had received a lot of training with them, and knew how to use them. He also had PTSD. He probably kept them as a sort of security blanket. Still though, storing them under the sofa cushions was not smart when there were other people staying in his house. When he lived alone, that was fine, but now that Grandmerè, Grandpa, and I were here, it wasn’t safe. I had no idea what to do with a gun. Hadn’t even seen one in person until now. Grandmerè was probably the same. Since Grandpa had been a soldier, he probably knew how to use them, but still. That didn’t make it a good idea to keep one in such an accessible place as that.

What I kept coming back to though, was the PTSD. Levi had already almost hurt Grandmeré during a mild flashback. What would happen if he had a worse one, and remembered that he had a gun hidden near by?

I was so lost in thought that I didn’t hear Levi come back. He poked his head in to the kitchen, startling me.

“What’re you doing?” He asked.

“Uh, just thinking, I guess.” 

He hummed in response, slowly sinking into the seat opposite me.

“You nervous about Moblit coming?” He asked.

I shook my head; eyes fixed on the tabletop instead of him.

“Are you gonna talk to me?” He leaned forward, trying to get into my line of sight.

“No.”

He stood and began rummaging in one of the cabinets, pulling out container after container of tea and placing them on the table, each spaced equally from the previous one. Once he had finished, he let out a huff of annoyance.

“I need more tea. You’re coming with me.”

That grabbed my attention for some reason. I needed to get a grip on myself. So Levi had a gun under his sofa and his mental state was rather fragile at the moment. Yes, it was a bad situation, but it could have been worse. It could have been much worse. I needed to keep him calm until after tomorrow. If I brought up the gun with all the stress he already has from Moblit’s imminent visit, then things would get much worse, and I’d have a real mess on my hands.

Tea. Levi wanted tea, and he wanted me to come. Okay then. That’s what he wants and it’s not going to hurt anything, so might as well.

I took a closer look at the teas he’d pulled out. There were kinds I’d never even heard of, along with all the standard flavors. Red herbal, chocolate chai, lychee, lavender chamomile, white orange, Irish and English breakfast and afternoon teas… Did he really need any more?

“Are you sure? There is a lot here.” I asked hesitantly. 

“You drink that instant-coffee shit. You have no room to talk.” He scowled.

“I woudn’t be drinking ‘instant-coffee shit’ if you had a coffee pot like most people.” I teased.

“I wasn’t calling it shit because it was instant. It’s shit ‘cause it’s coffee.”

I put a hand to my chest, feigning offence. “Oh, you wound me, Levi!”

He rolled his eyes. “Just go get your shoes on. By the time we get back, Grandmerè and Grandpa should be awake and we can eat.”  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
The smell hit me first. It was floral, fruity, dark and smokey; an unusual combination, but somehow it didn’t smell bad. The lighting inside the shop was dim, and there were thick wooden shelves all along the walls, all stacked to the brim with large glass jugs half-full of numerous types of tea. There was some soft indie music playing in the background, and the only other person inside was a pudgy older man working behind the counter. I glanced over to Levi and almost did a double-take. The furrow between his brows—that I had come to believe was as permanent a facial feature as his little button nose—was gone, and a faint smile tugged at the corner of his pale lips. His eyes were widened, and had an excited sparkle hidden in their gray depths. He looked beautiful.

Before I could stare longer, he darted off as quick as his leg would let him, headed straight for the closest container of tea. I watched as he lifted the lid and took a delicate sniff of the contents. With a small scowl he replaced the lid.

“Don’t like that one?” I asked after joining him. Reading the label, it said the jug featured a Pomegranate tea.

“It has rooibos in it, but it’s not on the label. I hate rooibos.” 

With a glance upwards at the top shelf, I heard him inhale sharply.

“Hanji, I need you to grab that tea for me.”

Which one?” There were several that he could have been pointing at.

“The Gourmet Mint Rose Herbal Blend.”

I couldn’t help but snort. Tea people always sounded so pretentious. Coffee snobs were easier to handle than tea snobs.

When I turned back to Levi holding the tea, I was on the receiving end of a glare.

“Don’t laugh at me. I didn’t name it.” He snatched the jar from me.

After sniffing it, he decided that he wanted some and wrote it down on a sheet of paper provided on the shelves before asking me to put it back.

We moved down the shelves at a slow but steady pace, Levi pausing to sniff every tea he could reach and asking my help for the ones he couldn’t. He asked my opinion once, and when I told him I could only smell leaves, he gave me a disgusted look and didn’t ask for my input again, although he would still offer for me to sniff the ones he approved of.

It was interesting, seeing Levi in his element. He was relaxed in a way I had yet to see him when he was out of his house. He wasn’t peeking over his shoulder every few minutes, his arms weren’t tense at his sides, his jaw wasn’t firmly clenched. He was taking deep breaths, and wasn’t tapping his fingers against each other as he usually did. He looked refreshed and happy.

When he was finally done, he had five types of tea written down, and they all sounded strange. There was the mint rose one, a roasted dandelion root blend (he had corrected me when I’d called it a flavor), a smoked black tea, coconut peach, and apricot. We headed to the man behind the counter to give him our order.

“Hey there Levi! How are you this week.” The man called.

“I’m doing fine Dimo. You?” Levi replied easily.

Did Levi really come here often enough to know the employees by name?

“Who’s this pretty thing?” Dimo was leering at me slightly.

I tensed up. Guys like reminded me too much of Djel, brought back too many bad memories from high school. Levi must have noticed the way my hands clenched into fists, because he stiffened in response

“Don’t talk to her, Reeves. Just get me the fucking tea so I can go home.” He said coldly.

I silently thanked Levi.

Dimo just chuckled and took the list from him, scanning through it quickly.

“Looks like you’re getting a few this time. How much do you want of each?” 

“Uh, lets go with 8oz.” Levi said after a brief hesitation.

“Sounds good. I’ll be right back with those.” Dimo said before disappearing into a back room.

“Sorry, he’s a bit of a creep, but he sells the best tea around.” Levi gave me an apologetic look and leaned up against the counter to wait.

I shrugged. “It wasn’t you, so don’t apologize.”

He just hummed in response, and continued to stare at me.

“What?” I asked.

He opened his mouth to speak, but Dimo chose that moment to come back.

“Here ya go, Levi!” He said loudly as he placed five little jars, miniatures of the larger ones on the shelf, onto the counter. “That’ll be $82.5.” 

My eyes bugged out at that. I ran a quick calculation in my head. Every 8oz jar was $16.50. Tea was expensive! 

Before Levi could get his wallet out, I had my card out of my purse and already slid it across to Dimo.

“What the hell, Hanji? I’m a grown-ass man, and I can pay for my own tea!” Levi turned on me.

Dimo swiped my card and handed it back, giving Levi a smirk. “Looks like you’re a kept man, Corporal.” He packed the teas into a bag and held it out for one of us to grab.

“I am not a kept man! She—” Levi started protesting loudly, so I snagged the bag, and steered him out of the store, his ranting directed at me now.

“—and do you think I’m unable to do anything myself? You’re—” Was he ever going to stop?

“Levi.” 

“—my psychiatrist, not my babysitter, not my legal guardian. My finances are fine, and—” 

“Levi.” I said a bit louder.

“—why the hell would you do that?!” He finally stopped. His eyes were narrowed, and he looked absolutely livid.

“Levi, how long have I been staying at your place?”

“What does that have to do with anything?” He snarled.

“Answer me!” I said firmly.

“Ten days. Now why—” 

“How many more will I be there?” I interrupted.

He made a sound like a cross between a moan and a growl. “Just get to the fucking point already!”

“I’ve been eating your food for ten days, and will continue to do so until the new year. I’ve been increasing your electricity consumption and using your hot water. Because of me, your bills are going to be higher this month, and I’m not helping pay for any of it. Let me buy you the stupid tea.”

Without waiting for a response, I turned and started walking back towards his apartment.

“Hanji, you’re walking faster than I can catch up with.” I heard Levi call from behind me.

I stopped, and once he caught up, he whispered a thanks. I wasn’t sure if it was for waiting, for buying the tea, or for tagging along in the first place, or all three, but I didn’t really care. The small smile he gave me, accompanied by cheeks rosy from the cold air, was enough to make me grin in return.

We slowly made our way back home, silence resting peacefully between us. Grandmerè and Grandpa were awake again, and had set the table completely. We chatted about Levi’s and my ‘date,’ and they asked me for stories about Moblit and I as kids. I refused, implying that Moblit was a much better storyteller than I was, when in actuality, I just didn’t want there to be more complicated lies for Moblit to keep up with. It wasn’t that pretending to have a happy childhood would be hard for either him or me, considering we’d been doing it our whole lives, but the simpler the better when it came to lies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gimme your thoughts! I'm also available on Tumblr at Theraven4597! Come and tell me what you think, ask questions about the story, or just scream at me. (Please don't scream.)


	10. December 10-11:  Tapping tapping  (Levi POV)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anything is better than lies and deceit!  
> ― Leo Tolstoy, _Anna Karenina_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd love to say this rapid string of updates (at least, rapid for me lol) is going to stay, but please don't get your hopes up, dear readers! I do have a brief summer break approaching, so hopefully I'll be able to get a good deal of writing/posting done then too, but then work and school will pick back up. Either way, please enjoy this new chapter! It's in Levi's POV again, as will every 5th chapter be.

December 10: Monday

Hanji and I didn’t talk much that evening. After Grandmerè and Grandpa went to bed, I tried to talk to her again, but she shut me out. Hanji wasn’t acting normal—or at least, normal for her. Something was bothering her, and I wanted to try to help. She was always going on about how ‘talking about things and expressing your feelings’ was ‘incredibly therapeutic and cleansing’ and potentially would ‘help someone overcome whatever trauma and tragedy they had faced.’ I didn’t believe a word of it but she clearly did, so I couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t take her own advice.

Maybe it was just stress from Moblit coming? I knew I was certainly on edge because of that. She clearly had a lot happen to her when she was younger, and maybe she didn’t want any of that to come up? 

It was hard to know how to act around her. I didn’t really know what to say or how to respond to anything now. She had suffered so much, and a lot of it had been self-inflicted. Now, knowing that, should I act any different? How should I treat her?

Part of my mind whispered _just like you would anybody else, stupid_ and I knew that was right, but still. It was somewhat awkward though, because I didn’t want to completely ignore what she’d told me and act like nothing happened, but I also didn’t want to make such a big deal out of it when she said it’d happened years ago. 

I took my nightly shower, and when I finally made it to bed, she’d already fallen asleep. Her wavy brown hair was scattered all over the pillow and she had bunched all the blankets up around her neck. 

Slowly, to avoid waking her, I tried to pry her hands off the covers.

She sniffed loudly, eyes remaining closed. “Did you get the trees?”

I don’t think she knew how much she talked in her sleep. I slipped into bed beside her, having retrieved my portion of the sheets from her vice-like grip.

“Yeah. I did. Don’t worry.” A few nights ago, I had started trying to hold conversations with her. She never woke up, but a few times her eyes would open, and she’d give me a bloodshot and unfocused glare, insisting loudly that she knew exactly what was going on, and was ‘perfectly awake, thank you very much.’ 

“Well what kind did you get?!” Great, she was getting agitated. 

“Um…” I hadn’t thought out this far. “Palm trees. I got you palm trees.”

“Why palm trees! I hate palm trees and you know it!” She was sitting up now, only her eyes were fixed two feet to the left of me. 

I laughed, which was a mistake. 

She raised a finger to give a sharp poke in the direction she thought I was.

“I’ll have you know I’ve been awake for this whole conversation, and you are a dick to think of getting me some dumb fucking palm trees!” She shouted angrily. 

That was another thing about Hanji in her sleep. She cursed a lot more.

I tried to get the smile off my face so it wouldn’t show in my voice. “I know, I know. I’m sorry. I’ll get rid of them tomorrow. You need to go to sleep now, ok?” I didn’t want her shouting to wake up my grandparents.

Hanji gave an unhappy grunt. “You can’t get rid of them now. Nobody likes them, so there’s no other way. Make them into a pie.” She then sniffed again, and laid back down, rolling over so that she was half on-top of me.

What was I going to do with her?  
  


* * *

  
  
December 11: Tuesday

I woke up around 3am, as per my new usual. It was the new usual, because before Hanji came to stay, I had been waking up at around one in the morning. Even with all her sleep-talking, blanket-hogging, and general wriggling around, it was still easier to sleep with her in my bed than without. My dreams weren’t as bad, and I didn’t wake up as easily. Often, I was able to return to bed after a few hours and could fall asleep again. That had never happened to be in the few months since I’d been discharged. 

With an almost silent sigh, I carefully climbed out of bed. The carpet felt sharp and rough on the bottoms of my feet, as it usually did. At least that was the same as normal. I slowly started tiptoeing out of the room, being careful not to wake Hanji. She needed her sleep.

The doorknob was cool under my fingers, and it let out a squeak as I turned it. Hanji muttered something unintelligible before rolling to the center of the bed. I gently eased the door open and slipped out, closing it with the same care.

I was careful to be quiet when I walked by the guest room as well, but I didn’t have to be. Grandmerè and Grandpa both took sleeping pills. They had for as long as I could remember. The only times they hadn’t was the times I stayed with them. They both wanted to be easily able to wake up at any moment, should the need arise. Those nights I spent with them had all been incredibly tense. The few times I had fallen asleep, I would wake an hour or two later and get one of them up as well. We’d play card games until daybreak in an attempt to keep me from remembering the nightmares that had roused me in the first place. The rest of the time, I would just lie awake in bed, jumping at every sound, every scrape of tree branches across my window, every flickering shadow from a cloud crossing in front of the moon. Every sound, every disturbance of the night was immediately viewed by me as a sign that my parents had come to take me back.

They actually did get me, quite a few times. My great grandparents hadn’t ever been able to hide me for very long.

I sighed again, and tried to focus on something else. Moblit was what my over-anxious mind settled on.

His imminent arrival was leaving me stressed as hell. I didn’t want him in my house. I did not know a thing about him. All kinds of things could go wrong. He was invading _my_ territory, _my_ home. He was close to _my_ Hanji, and—

That was it. A revelation dawned on me. That was why I was so stressed. 

_“You wanna keep Hanji safe, don’t you? That’s why you took her with you yesterday; why you get so antsy whenever she’s at work. Why you have to keep stopping yourself from calling her when you haven’t heard from her for an hour, just to make sure she's alive. Why she’s started appearing in your nightmares, along with everyone else. You’re starting to care for her.”_ the voice whispered. 

As the voice whispered to me, I could feel the urge to start tapping my fingers arise again. Not bothering to try to stop, I let them tap away. Against my leg, against the wall I walked by, against my thumb. Repeatedly tapping out seven beats, then pause, then repeat. 

I shook my head viciously and tried to shove the quiet whisperings of my traitorous mind back into the dark and dusty corners it came from. The fingers kept tapping.

I started pacing the living room. I was _not_ developing feelings for that shitty four-eyes. No. It was not going to happen. She had made it very clear, the line dividing Hanji my psychiatrist and Hanji my pretend wife. There was a distinction between the two, and I was not to cross it. I wanted to though. I wanted to so bad. 

In a valiant attempt to distract myself, I went and grabbed my favorite cleaning rags and started scrubbing the kitchen cabinet doors. There was a spot there that I'd noticed yesterday and somehow forced myself to ignore until now. I tried to scrub two-handed at a smudge on the dark wood, but couldn’t. Those fingers needed to keep up their rhythm of sevens.

It was going to be a long night.  
  


* * *

  
  
I didn’t bother to return to the bedroom when daylight replaced the moonbeams shining through the gap in the curtains. The tips of my fingers were raw from scrubbing at those damn cabinets. I’m surprised I didn’t strip the varnish from the wood beneath with how heavy of an assault I’d put on it. I could still see the smudge. It must all be in my head then. I sighed. Zoning out like that was something that happened too frequently for comfort. It didn’t feel like the better part of four hours had passed by since I woke. But then again, that is how the early morning hours worked. Time didn’t function in the same way when the rest of the world was asleep and it was just you and the moon and the voices in your head.

Hanji stumbled out of my room, looking barely awake, and blearily peeked at me from one brown eye while she rubbed at the other.

“Mornin’.” She grunted, voice gravely from the night’s disuse.

“Good morning.” 

She was already showered and dressed for work, so she must have been up early. 

“Do you have morning patients today?” I asked. Most days, the majority of her patients were in the afternoon or early evening. Typically, she would head out several hours before she needed to, just to have some time to herself away from the pretending and the lies, but she’d never left this early.

Stifling a yawn, she flicked on my hot water heater and pulled out the instant coffee.

“Yeah. New girl. Sweet kid.” Early mornings really disagreed with Hanji, and that was clear in how she lost the ability to talk in her usual big and rambling sentences.

Silence reigned in the kitchen for several minutes until the ding of the water heater broke the peace. Hanji poured herself a travel mug and stirred in the coffee granules. The stench filled the air in the kitchen. Nasty. It really was shit. I would have to open a window to air the place out as soon as she left.

“Do you have a diagnosis already, or is this her first visit?”

“First visit to me. But she’s a transfer patient. Moved here recently from down south. Tell your grandparents I said good morning.” She muttered, walking towards the door.

And just like that, she was gone. Without even realizing I did it, I’d pulled out my phone and typed a message.

**DRAFT: To: Hanji**  
**Be safe.**

It took everything in me to not hit send.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really wanted to delve more into Levi's PTSD, OCD, and (briefly) his childhood in this chapter. I'd love to hear your thoughts on it! You can also find me on Tumblr at Theraven4597.


	11. December 11: Death Blossoms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Death in itself is nothing; but we fear  
> To be we know not what, we know not where  
> \--Dryden

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that two-week summer break where I said I’d write a lot? It didn’t happen. The writing part, that is—I still had the break, thank heavens. Although the entire first week I spent on the phone yelling at my academic advisors for not letting me make changes to my degree plan (I mean seriously? What right do they have to insult me because I want more school? It’s their job to help me with this, and they just… didn’t feel like it? Said that I'm being "pretentious and arrogant" and doing this for "pride", when in reality I just love learning? I mean, what the hell? Don't bully people for wanting to learn more. And now I'm ranting again. Sorry). Thankfully, I was enough of a stinker that they realized it was easier to help me than convince me to go away. ;) 
> 
> Aaand then I got really sick. Like, _really_ sick. So all in all, the only “summer” thing I was able to do was go and wander around downtown and visit an art museum one Saturday. But still, it was good.
> 
> Anyway, who cares about a summer summary. New chapter! That’s why y’all are here! I hope it was worth the wait!
> 
> ( **Note:** ableist language.)

December 11: Tuesday

I raced out of the house early in the morning. Levi was there in the living room, and I knew I talked to him, but I can’t quite remember what I said. By anyone’s standards, I wasn’t fully awake until I had already hit the sidewalk and made it to the subway. The pushing and shoving of the crowd packed in the train car with me—each on the way to their own destinations—jostled the last wispy tentacles of drowsiness from my mind. 

New girl. I had a new patient today. A teenager, around Eren, Mikasa, and Armin’s ages. I hoped that maybe they would meet at school sometime. High school was a stressful time, and she was new to the area to make things worse. A good friend, or three, would probably go a long way to helping her get used to the area. It would be good for Armin too, meeting someone new and dealing with those interactions.

My phone chimed with a new text message right as the subway doors opened at my stop.

**From: Levi Ackerman**  
**I can’t remember; what time is Moblit coming over tonight?**

I sent a quick reply telling him 6:30, and bustled off the train car towards work.

A surge of people got off along with me, all racing to reach street-level first, as if it would make a difference in the grand scheme of things. People in suits power-walked in every which way, carrying coffees for their executives or yelling into their Bluetooth headsets. The clinic I worked for was located in the wealthier area of Trost and while it was definitely a respectable looking building, it didn’t quite compare to the massive glass and steel skyscrapers surrounding it. Most of the nearby businesses were law firms or marketing agencies, and they had made the real estate value skyrocket as they came to the area and grew. The clinic though, had been in the area for several decades and was respected enough in the community that no company even bothered offering to buy the land it sat on for their white-collar clients. That just helped the clinic grow more though, because the nearby businesses all involved high-stress careers. Many of the local employees were patients of ours, and a few had given significant donations allowing us to expand. It was one of those donations that allowed me to be hired as another doctor.

Finally making it to the relative safety of my office, I sighed and tried to relax from the madness of the morning rush outside. After years of dealing with it, it still never failed to stress me out.

Saying a quick hello to Ilse, I slipped into my office to get ready for the new girl. Her file was well organized, which was not always the case when files were transferred. Sasha Blouse had an eating disorder, but has been making real progress apparently. That made me smile. Good for her.

When she came, we spent the entire thirty minutes of her session just getting to know each other. She was nervous about her new school, as she understandably would be. I tried to encourage her a bit, saying that I had some patients that attended there, and that they all had nothing but wonderful things to say about the student body. Sasha smiled a little at that.

During our session, I received several texts on my phone where it lay on my desk. Each time it did, Sasha would glance at it, and tell me I could check. She seemed like she was uncomfortable talking too much about herself, and welcomed the distraction. Much to her dismay, I ignored the phone as it sporadically vibrated. Once we had finished our chat and Sasha had left, I finally checked my messages. One from Levi, and four from Moblit.

**From: Levi Ackerman**  
**How is everything going with the new girl?**

I sighed. These texts from Levi, ones with no real purpose other than to just chat, had been happening more and more frequent. Maybe he just got really bored during the day, but I thought something else was at work.

I answered him, and went to read Moblit’s.

**From: Moblit Berner**  
**Levi’s a patient, right?**

**From: Moblit Berner**  
**What’s his diagnosis?**

**From: Moblit Berner**  
**Should I be aware of anything?**

**From: Moblit Berner**  
**Actually, is there any relevant info I need?**

For as long as I’d known him, Moblit had always sent everything in what seemed like as many texts as possible. It was incredibly irritating. 

I responded to all his questions in one big block wall of a message and sighed. I didn’t tell him Levi’s diagnosis, which would prompt more texting from Moblit, trying to weasel the information out of me. It was going to be a long day. Maybe I could leave a little early.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
I did leave work early, not properly filing away my notes from the sessions of the day, instead choosing to leave them on my desk for the next morning. When I got back to the apartment, about an hour and a half before Moblit was supposed to turn up, Levi was working on re-arranging the refrigerator, and Grandmeré was standing by looking nervous. As soon as I made it in the door, she rushed over to me. 

“Hanji, he’s been doing this for the past hour.” She whispered harshly. “Is he alright? He won’t talk to me, just keeps saying that he _has_ to get the bottles in there organized,” she paused. “What does he have?”

My brow furrowed. “What?” 

“I know he has more than PTSD—what wrong with him, Hanji? You’re a psychologist, right? _What is wrong with my grandson?_? The gentle hand she’d placed on my shoulder squeezed to a painfully tight level.

Jerking out of her grip, I pointed directly in her face. “Not a damn thing is _wrong_ with your grandson. He might not be neurotypical like you, but _nothing_ is wrong with him. I know what you were trying to ask, but never phrase it like that again. His diagnosis is something private, and if he chooses not to tell you, that is his right. As hi—A doctor, you can’t expect me to be alright with the idea of just announcing other people’s diagnosis’s without their permission.” Damn it, I almost slipped up there.

Grandmeré had the decency to look ashamed. Her hand slipped off my arm. “You’re right. I’m just…” she wiped subtly at her eyes, “I’m just scared for him, Hanji. He’s had to deal with so much more than anyone ever should, and I just want him safe and happy.”

“I understand that, Grandmeré. We both want the same thing. Why don’t you and Grandpa go and rest up for Moblit coming over?” I smiled reassuringly. “I’ll go and talk to Levi and see what’s up.”

She nodded repeatedly, and did as I suggested.

I made my way over towards Levi. He hadn’t looked up at all since I came home.

“Hey Hanji.” His voice was quiet, arms still buried elbow-deep into the refrigerator, shuffling bottles and Tupperware around. 

“Whatcha doing Levi?” 

“Just… I—I have to fix this,” Levi stuttered, pulled one hand out and fisted it into his hair. “I’m sorry. It makes no sense, and I know it makes no sense, but the fridge is wrong, and I need to make it right.” He said shakily, almost as if he was afraid of how I’d react.

He was so hesitant that I couldn’t help but wonder how many people had harassed him over the years for his compulsions. Poor guy.

“Yeah, ok. Want me to sit here and keep you company? I could grab a book and read aloud.” 

He turned and smiled, eyes slightly red. “That’d be nice.”

I went and grabbed the first poetry book I saw, since I’d learned in my stay that Levi was a die-hard poetry fan. Glancing at the title, I noticed it was a collection of Japanese death poems, written by the Samurai right before they went into battle. Plopping gracelessly down at the kitchen table, I opened it and read the first one aloud.

_”I cannot mourn, for I have lived a life / of mountain air and cherry blossoms, steel, and honor._

It didn’t rhyme due to translation, and the author was unknown, but it was beautiful. Levi hummed in appreciation and continued working away in the fridge. I read on, through dozens of tankas and haikus. Some were breathtakingly beautiful, others ones easily forgettable. I made a mental note to buy this book for myself. Poetry was never something that I enjoyed as a whole, but this was so different from a typical poetry book.

After quite a while, Levi finally closed the door to the refridgerator and sat down across from me. He sighed heavily, and dragged his hands across his face.

“I’m done, finally.” 

“Good,” I smiled. “My voice would have gone hoarse if I’d kept up reading much longer.”

“I’m sorry, you didn’t have to,” he winced.

Leaning across the table, I put my hand on his forearm. “Hey, I offered, didn’t I? I didn’t mind a bit. It was a really good book. I loved the poems. Did you have a favorite one?”

Levi perked up a bit at that. “Yeah, I did. That one, um…” he paused, trying to remember exactly how it went. _“The path to paradise / is paved with bright / plum petals.”_

I hummed. “That’s a pretty one. You like plum petals?”

He chuckled. “Well, yes they are beautiful, but I love that poem more for the symbolism and meaning. Plum blossoms in Japan symbolize protection from demons and evil. If the path to paradise is paved with them, then demons and evil cannot find it’s way into paradise. Paradise will remain a safe haven, pure and peaceful.” He glanced up at me and smiled.

“Huh. Interesting. I’ve learned a bit about western flower symbolism, but never eastern. My dad was very passionate about his gardening hobby. What got you into it?”

Levi blinked in surprise. “Just uh, wanting to understand poetry better. I’ll look up whatever flowers are mentioned. I’m sorry, did you say your father? I thought you never met your parents?”

Dang it. “Yeah, I was adopted by a sweet old man when I was in middle school. He passed away when I was just starting high school, and that’s when the Berners took me in.”

“Yet you call him your father? Not Mr. Berner?”

I stiffened. “Yes.” Snagging the book, I got up and went to put it away in the living room. It felt wrong, leaving Levi abruptly like that. He didn’t know what he was talking about, and reminded myself that I couldn’t hold it against him. I’d been deliberately evasive about my childhood, and he was just asking questions. No sinister intentions. It was the same thing I was doing to him. 

I heard him shout from the kitchen.

Racing back in there, I panted out a question. “What is it, Levi?’

He turned to me with wide eyes. “Moblit’s gonna be here in fifteen minutes.” His hands were trembling slightly at his sides, index fingers tapping rhythmically against his thighs.

“Hey hey, Moblit’s great, ok? It’ll be fine.” I tried to reassure him.

‘You think I don’t know that?” He snapped. “Quit babying me. I’m fine. You should pick up the mess you made in the hallway.” He then turned and went into his room and shut the door.

Confused, I slowly went into the foyer to see my so-called ‘mess’ and found everything exactly where I’d left it. My coat was in the coat closet, like it should be. Shoes were lined up along the wall by the door along with everyone else’s. I then noticed that mine were not perfectly parallel to the rest of the shoes there. That must be what he meant by mess. Chuckling, I straightened them out with my toes and went to the couch. I checked under the cushion to see where the gun was hidden and noticed that it was in exactly the same place as before, looking untouched. That was a good thing. Putting the sofa back together, I started to sit down when someone knocked on the front door. 

Moblit was here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tankas and Haikus are kinds of poems, differing in their structure and slightly in rhythm. You can read more about them [here](https://www.youngwriters.co.uk/types-tanka-poem) and [here](http://examples.yourdictionary.com/examples-of-haiku-poems.html) if you want. It’s interesting stuff.
> 
> ALSO! This has over 300 kudos! Thank you _so so much_ to everyone who’s read, liked, bookmarked, and/or given a comment. You all are amazing. I never expected so many people to bother reading this story, much less enjoy it. Thank you.
> 
> In other news, Psychiatrist has also breached 30,000 words! So exciting!


	12. December 11: Sins of Omission

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _It might be your wound but they're my sutures._  
>  Fall Out Boy, _Immortals_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Psychiatrist has updated twice in less than a week; have I lost it, you might ask? Quite possibly. I stress-write, and the stress has been high! I’m flying across the country alone on Monday to go to a conference where I know nobody. Never flown alone before and I have a really bad fear of heights because _heights are scary, okay!?_ Gravity exists for a reason, and that reason is to keep my feet on the ground. I have no business zipping through the air in a metal tube. Anyway…
> 
> We’ve finally reached the much-awaited visit with Moblit! It's a slightly longer chapter than normal, but a lot happens, and we might possibly get some answers to things. I didn’t really mean to drag this part of the story arc on and on for so long, so I apologize. I'd said that stuff was going to start going down a few chapters ago, and I’d been trying to build up to it. The time has come! ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) 
> 
> Also, I'm totally proud of this chapter title. Very proud of it in fact, to the point where it's rather ridiculous.
> 
>  **Trigger warning:** Child and spouse abuse. If you feel like you can't read the part involving that, then stop reading at "Whichever way it was, I felt like telling Levi, instead of brushing off his questions like I normally would." Hit me up on tumblr or leave a comment saying you skipped the last bit, and I'll give you a brief summary.

December 11: Tuesday

Grandmeré and Grandpa came back out of their room as soon as they heard Moblit knocking. Levi had not come out of his room yet, and when Grandmeré noticed, she went in and pulled him out. He looked like he was pouting slightly, but I could see from the tremors in his fingertips and his impossibly stiff shoulders that he was just trying to hide his nerves. 

“Go get the door! Don’t be rude.” She scolded firmly.

Levi tensed up even more at that. It hit me then that I should be the one to get the door. Levi was already stressed enough about Moblit, viewing him as an unknown, potentially dangerous threat invading his space. It would be better for Levi if I was the one to let him in. Also, the impressive frown currently carving lines between Levi’s dark brows might but Moblit off a bit. It’d put anybody off.

Moblit stood outside the door, dressed in a crisp button-down and nice jeans, holding a bouquet of flowers. It wasn’t a normal sort of hostess gift, but neither Moblit or I would ever give anyone alcohol. His father had made sure of that.

He immediately pulled me into a tight hug, and I relaxed upon smelling his cologne. Moblit was a creature of habit, and he had worn the same scent from the day I met him fourteen years ago. He did his hair the same, wore the same style of clothing, had the same slightly northern accent—if it weren’t for the way the worry lines had been etched into his face, he would look absolutely the same. He always did worry too much.

Grandmeré coughed pointedly from behind me, and I realized we had hugged for too long. Pulling back, I grabbed Moblit by his free hand and tugged him inside.

“Everyone, this is Moblit, my brother!” I announced awkwardly, feeling slightly like a child bringing her first boyfriend home to meet the parents even though that was far from the case. If anything, the roles were reversed. I was bringing my family over to meet my fake husband. I almost sighed. Why on earth did I get involved in this...

Moblit and Levi’s eyes immediately locked. I could sense Moblit stiffen, but he put on a brave smile and held out his hand. Levi’s frown only deepened, and his arms remained at his side.

“Well aren’t you just adorable!” Grandmeré swooped in before the tension got too high. “You’re going to have to tell us all kinds of stories about Hanji here as a little girl; she’s been awfully tight-lipped about things,” she smirked. “That must mean she was a wild child, huh?” 

Moblit laughed. “Oh, definitely. She was trouble. She repeatedly returned books late to the library! You would think after the fines she racked up, she’d have learned but no. She was a serial offender. It was tragic—she had so much potential, you know?” he teased. 

When even Levi cracked a half-smile at that, the pounding in my chest finally slowed. 

“Levi, why don’t you take the flowers, and go put them in a vase? We wouldn’t want them to wilt.” Grandmeré said in that voice of hers that left no room for argument.

He silently complied. Once he had left the room, we all migrated to the living room. Moblit started to sit in Levi’s seat, the one hiding the gun, but I shooed him to the other end of the sofa. I put myself in the seat between his and the empty one for Levi. Grandpa almost immediately turned on Moblit, asking him if he’d ever been in the military. When Moblit said no, Grandpa told him it was a shame. “You’re the only man here who hasn’t been, son,” he had said.

It didn’t escape my notice how Moblit’s eyes widened at being called son. 

“Hanji, I need your help for a minute,” Levi called from the kitchen.

I excused myself and went to see what he needed. What I was not expecting to find was the bouquet of flowers separated and spread out across the across the counter individually with Levi looming over them, a pair of scissors in his hand.

“What are you doing?” I whispered. “Don’t ruin those!”

He looked at me like I was an idiot. “I’m not. You have to cut off about an inch from the bottom for them to last longer.”

“Oh,” I paused. “So why do you need me?”

Levi’s cheeks darkened slightly.

“I don’t really know, Hanji. I’m just… so stressed. Here,” he handed me the scissors “why don’t you cut them?” He then turned and began to wash his hands in the sink.

Picking up a flower, I glanced over at him. He was scrubbing his hands vigorously, and muttering under his breath. Once he rinsed his hands, he repeated the action with more soap, muttering some more. The third time through, I realized he was counting. I hadn’t heard him counting at all in the amount of time I’d been in his house. He must really be stressed then.

Levi washed his hands five times total, counting out exactly fifty seconds of scrubbing per washing. When he turned back to me and saw I hadn’t cut a single flower, his eyes darkened into a glare.

“Get out of here. Go sit back down with Moblit; I’ll be there when I finish getting these in water.”

Returning to the living room, I found to my horror that Moblit was in the middle of telling a story about me.

“—and so she just put the live mice in her purse and went grocery shopping!” Grandpa roared with laughter, and Grandmeré was dabbing tears from her eyes.

“No Moblit! Why’d you have to tell them that!” I cried.

He gave me an evil grin. Then his eyes widened at something he saw over my shoulder. I turned and saw Levi had peeked his head out of the kitchen. 

“What happened?” He asked suspiciously. “I heard something about mice and a bag? Tell my you didn’t, Hanji.” 

I hung my head as Moblit repeated the story.

“One time Hanji went and bought mice for her snakes, and accidently got live ones instead of the frozen ones she usually did. Well, it was the middle of the summer, and she also had to buy groceries. The mice were in a flimsy little cardboard box, so if she left them alone, they would chew their way out. Either that or die from the heat. So she stuck them in her purse and went into Walmart like usual.”

Levi looked at me, shocked. “Hell, no you didn’t! Be glad I didn’t know that story before I married you!” He sounded so disgusted that I couldn’t help but forget my embarrassment and laugh along with his grandparents.

“It was years ago Levi. I’d just turned eighteen, ok?” I tried to reassure him.

“What did you do with the mice after that?” Grandmeré asked.

I shuffled my feet awkwardly. “Um… froze them?” Her eyes widened. “Sonny and Bean have only ever eaten dead mice. They wouldn’t know what to do with a live one, and could have gotten hurt.”

“Needless to say,” Moblit continued, “Hanji was very careful from then on when she bought mice.”

“Good. Freezing them is sad.” Grandpa said firmly. “Now, I believe dinner is done…” He shot Levi a questioning glance.

He cleared his throat awkwardly. “Yeah, it is. You all go sit at the table and I’ll bring it in.”

Grandmeré had made a large pot of stew for our dinner. She had told me it was one Levi ate often while growing up in France. That made me wonder at what age he came to the States. He had no accent whatsoever, so it must have been at a relatively young age.

Dinner was a happy affair, with Moblit being a regular social butterfly. He even managed to cajole a few half-smiles and chuckles from Levi, which was quite the impressive feat. I had never seen him act so smoothly in a group of strangers like this. All the traveling for work was doing him wonders. 

After we had eaten, I volunteered to do the dishes, wanting just a few minutes of quiet. As I scrubbed the plates, I listened to the conversation happening in the other room. 

“Tell me about your parents, Moblit!” Grandmeré demanded enthusiastically. “Hanji said she was adopted by them? They must have been wonderful people.”

Moblit coughed. “Um, she wasn’t adopted. Not by my parents, I mean. They just fostered her. She was adopted by an older man before them though, but he passed away.”

“Oh yes, I must have confused the two. That’s terrible. Still though, it was very good of your parents to take her in.”

I tried not to scoff.

“Yeah, they were nice people.” Damn it, I could hear the stiffness in Moblit’s voice. It was obvious he was lying, and I couldn’t even see his face. I shouldn’t have left him alone in there.

Levi must have sensed something was off as well, because he tried to shift the topic slightly. “Where were they from? Berner sounds German.”

“It is, yeah. I’ve never been there before though. Have you?” Nice one, Levi. I could practically hear the relief in Moblit’s voice.

I started washing faster, wanting to get back in there before we had another close call. After finishing up the last plate and drying my hands, I joined everyone in the living room, sitting down next to Levi. He wrapped his arm around my shoulder, curling his fingers into my messy ponytail and twirling random strands around his fingers. Moblit gave him a quick glare, but was distracted by another question from Grandpa.

The rest of the evening went smoothly and peacefully. Thankfully no more embarrassing stories were told about me, although I did share a few about Moblit as a form of petty revenge. Levi found it particularly hilarious how he’d accidentally dated a guy for three months. Moblit tried to justify himself, arguing that nothing he and the guy did was remotely ‘date-like,’ and that he was under the impression they were just friends. Nobody listened to him though, and Grandmeré gave him a little speech about how to win a man. As much as Moblit insisted that he knew how to navigate the world of relationships, he listened with rapt attention. If he’d had the option, I’m sure he would have taken notes too.

He was given many hugs by both Grandmeré and Grandpa when he left, and Levi even shook his hand—although he went and washed as soon as the door was closed.

It was rather late by this point, so Levi’s grandparents gave us hugs as well and went to bed.

I read while Levi took his evening shower. The book was a collection of short stories by Charlotte Perkins Gilman that I had read whilst going through college. It had been required for a course at the time, but I’d fallen in love with it and re-read it several times since. As I turned through _The Yellow Wallpaper_ , my mind wandered away from the story back to the events of the evening. Levi’s grandparents seemed to really like Moblit, and he them. As for Levi’s opinion of my brother, I wasn’t sure, but I think they got along for the few brief times they acknowledged each other. My phone began to vibrate against the end table, and I leaned over to grab it. It was Moblit, with his usual irritatingly large number of texts.

**From: Moblit Berner**  
**Tonight was actually fun.**

**From: Moblit Berner**  
**I silpped up a bit, but I don’t think anyone noticed.**

**From: Moblit Berner**  
**Levi was… interesting. He’s kinda grumpy.**

****From: Moblit Berner**  
**Also really short.** **

****From: Moblit Berner**  
**Like really, is he even over 5ft?** **

I groaned in frustration. Why couldn’t he send all that in one text? 

****From: Hanji Zoë**  
**Good, I’m glad you thought so too! I think it’s fine; no one has said anything about the slip-up. It wasn’t that noticeable. It’s probably just because I’ve known you for so long that I could tell how tense you were. As for Levi, he’s really not a grumpy person. Just… you being in his space was very uncomfortable for him. You’re an unknown, with the potential to be dangerous. Also, he claims to be 5 ft 3½ inches tall.** **

Moblit’s response was immediate. 

****From: Moblit Berner**  
**5.3½? He’s bullshitting you.** **

****From: Moblit Berner**  
**He’d better be afraid of me. If he hurts you, I’ll kill him.****

I rolled my eyes. 

****From: Hanji Zoë**  
**Firstly, caution is not the same as fear. And secondly, even with his bad leg, Levi could totally take you.** **

I dropped my phone with a sigh, turning off the volume as I do. Moblit would be sending me a number of messages now to let me know he’s highly offended by my low opinion of his fighting skill. 

Levi came out then, dressed in the same black pajama pants he always wore. After flicking off the light and climbing into bed, he rolled on his side to face me. The moonlight shining in from the window fell on his face, highlighting the sharp angles in his face and bringing to mind the photos I’d seen of a gaunt younger version of the same face when he’d lived on the streets. 

“So,” he started. “What’d Moblit think?” I couldn’t tell what was going through his head, but it was clear from the deliberate way he spoke that there was a point behind the question. 

“He loved your grandparents,” I replied easily. “You though, he thinks are grumpy." 

“Of course,” Levi snorted faintly. After a beat or two of silence, he continued. “He seemed awfully tense when his parents were mentioned. Why?” 

Ah, so that’s what he was probing for. 

I don’t know what it was about nighttime that made me more honest. Maybe it was the way the moonlight made everything seem surreal—as if whatever was done or said under it was all just a dream. Maybe it was the darkness, and the way it seemed to promise that everything whispered into it would stay secret forever. Maybe the stress from the day loosened my tongue. Whichever way it was, I felt like telling Levi, instead of brushing off his questions like I normally would. 

“Moblit’s parents were abusive,” I whispered. 

Levi propped himself up on an elbow, brows furrowed heavily. 

“Not to me, they never touched me. But Moblit… Moblit got the brunt of it. His dad was an alcoholic—a mean one. And his mother, well. She just didn’t care, as long as it wasn’t her getting hit.” 

When Levi’s fingers brushed across my cheek, I realized I was crying. 

“The thing is…” my voice broke. “Child Services was there once a month to check on me. I wanted to tell them what was happening, but Moblit didn’t want me to.” I sniffled. “He—he thought his dad would change. Thought his mom would eventually love him.” 

The tears were coming faster now. “They only ever checked to see if _I_ was being abused. Never thought that it’d be Moblit. Statistically, they were right. In most cases, it should have been me. He tried to hit me once, but Moblit got in the way. Wound up with a broken hip and a concussion. Those should have been my injuries, Levi. It was supposed to be me.” 

Levi hummed in understanding and pulled my head onto his shoulder, carding his fingers through my hair. 

I clutched tightly at his sides. “After that, his parents just ignored me. It was like I didn’t exist. Never provided food or clothing. Didn’t talk to me in the hallways or when I was late coming home. Moblit did all that. Got a second part-time job to give me shoes to wear. And he got hit more and more for it. They always managed to clean up their act whenever Child Services came around. I should have told them, Levi. I… I should have told.” I buried my face into his shoulder, unknowingly smearing my tears and snot onto his skin. 

He made a shushing noise, and continued to gently stroke my head with one hand while the other wrapped around my shaking shoulders until I finally, finally fell asleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Firstly, sorry about the amount of text messaging in this. I hate writing text conversations, but I couldn’t find a way to avoid it.
> 
> Now. Important business. This chapter was the point I wanted to get to before I posted the rest of Hanji’s backstory, [Broken](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6739447/chapters/15403945). Since it is already completely written, I'll post the remaining four chapters of that once a week on Mondays (hopefully this coming Monday before my flight, but it might be the next due to last minute packing), and only after that will Psychiatrist update again. It's not required to read, if you don't want to. Everything will be vaguely discussed at later points in this story, but it will definitely give you more insight into Hanji and how she became the person she is.
> 
> Plus I want to take my time with chapter thirteen. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) 
> 
> (I think I'm overusing that emoji...)


	13. December 14: Forest for the Chairs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Bittersweet? No, just bitter, the taste of your tongue.  
> Words you can’t have back, so they linger.”  
> ― Coco J. Ginger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I've got several things to say, since I'll be hiding by the time y'all reach the end note. ^^
> 
> 1\. For those of you who follow me on tumblr and saw my post announcing a delay chapter, I was able to push through! My fingers are still all taped up and stolen with limited mobility, but I realized that I'll be traveling in two weeks and wanted to be able to get one more chapter out before I leave. That way, nobody would have to wait too long with this cliffhanger.
> 
> 2\. I want to say thank you again to everyone who took the time to read Broken! I know I said it over there, but it really means a lot to me.
> 
> 3\. I've been building up to this chapter for quite a while now. It's a bit longer than my average, and I hope it doesn't disappoint. ( **Note:** this chapter contains drug abuse, rape/sexual abuse, and incest.)
> 
> 4\. _Forest for the Chairs_ is a real piece of art on display at a museum near my house. It's my favorite thing to visit there. Here's some links to some photos. [X](https://www.tripadvisor.com/LocationPhotoDirectLink-g49463-d137058-i114895403-North_Carolina_Museum_of_Art-Raleigh_North_Carolina.html), [Y](http://www.waltermagazine.com/of-course-its-art-tom-shields-and-his-chairs-in-the-trees/), and [Z](http://raleighpublicrecord.org/ocp/2013/08/05/forest-for-the-chairs/). I hope I was able to capture the atmosphere, particularly that of the first photo.

December 14: Friday

Levi was acting distant again. He had been ever since I broke down on him a few nights ago. We were back to our initial relationship; he would only acknowledge me when he had no other choice. He also had relapsed into performing more and more of his compulsions. I’d catch him washing his hands for a count of 50, notice him unlocking the door only to re-lock it, see him tapping the corner where the living room wall met the hallway, and I was concerned. It seemed that his mind was giving him some grief also, because all too often I would see him staring off into space, with a tortured expression in his eyes.

Every time I tried to talk to him, he would make it clear that I was not wanted. Today was a day that I didn’t have work, and so I was able to make several efforts to have a private conversation with him. After I had followed him to the bathroom, trying to ask him what was wrong only to have the door closed in my face, Grandmeré finally approached me. She had been watching everything.

“Let’s take a walk,” was all she said. I couldn’t help but feel like a child again, called to the principles office for something I wasn’t aware of doing wrong. 

She gathered up her coat and slipped it on, passing mine to me and I followed suit. As we walked to the elevator, she asked if there were any parks nearby. I was thankful for having to walk a ways to the subway in the mornings, because due to that, I had stumbled across a park not too far away.

We walked there in silence, snow falling steadily from the gray sky overhead. There was a little kiosk at the enterence to the park, selling hot chocolate and other warm beverages. Unable to resist the delicious smells emanating from the booth, we stopped. Grandmeré asked for the largest cocoa she could, and insisted on paying for my coffee as well. The first sip made me sigh in bliss. It tasted so much better than the instant coffee I’d been drinking since I began my stay at Levi’s place.

Continuing on down a trail leading through a copse of pine trees, I looked up and to my surprise, saw a chair suspended in the tree. 

“Grandmeré, look,” I pointed. “The chair.”

Her eyes followed my arm to the tree, and she made a quizzical sound. “Hanji, there’s more. They’re everywhere.” 

Sure enough, there were dozens of wooden chairs, all placed at different heights and a variety of angles. The trees had completely grown around parts, and I could see remnants of paint on the chairs. 

“How strange,” I murmered. “Modern art, I assume?”

Gandmeré just hummed, and led us to a bench placed in the idle of the grove. We sat, the wood cold enough to feel through the thick denim of my jeans. I cupped the paper cup of coffee tighter in my hands and let out a sigh, puffs of white air floating up towards the trees and chairs above.

The whole display with the chairs was eerie; it left me with the feeling that we had stumbled upon a place where something dark and perverse had happened. I would have liked to leave, but Grandmeré seemed content to stay and admire the art.

A cheery little red robin darted by and perched on one of the bare branches. It cocked its head at us curiously, before deciding that we were not worth it’s time and flitting away again.

“Hanji, leave him be.” Grandmeré spoke suddenly, softly. The look in her eyes was firm, but there was compassion there too. “I don’t know what happened this time to set him off, but just… leave him alone.”

“Why?” 

“He’s never fully healed. Well, as if someone ever _could_ fully heal from that,” Grandmeré scoffed at her own statement. 

Silence reigned again. 

The robin came back, this time accompanied by a friend. Or a lover, I am not sure which.

“He… hasn’t told you, has he.” She didn’t even bother phrasing it as a question, she was so certain as to my answer. 

“No, he hasn’t.” I replied simply. “He will though, when he’s ready.”

She faced me again. “He won’t, Hanji. You forget that I’ve known him far, far longer than you have. Levi would rather suffer in silence than acknowledge his own weakness. He’s just torturing himself, and he won’t stop.” She considered me carefully. “But I think you can help him.”

I nodded. “I’m trying my best.”

“You can’t though, not while you don’t know anything.” She sighed. “And he won’t tell you, even though you deserve to know. I’m honestly surprised you’ve been so accepting of his secrecy. Did he never say anything about what he went through?”

I waited a moment before speaking. “He’s talked about Krovla, but that’s it.”

“Oh my…” She sighed again, and took a large sip of her cocoa. “It doesn’t surprise me though. That boy…”

The two robins started to sing to each other in bright, happy chirps that contrasted starkly with the desolate atmosphere created by the artwork surrounding us.

“When he was younger, around ten was when I believe it started, he—”

“No!” I shouted, interupting her. 

Grandmeré startled, some of her hot chocolate sloshing over the rim of her cup and soaking into her gloves. She hissed at the burning, but almost immediately turned her attention back to me. “What? You should know, Hanji. If you truly love him like you claim to, you shouldn’t avoid the parts of him that make you uncomfortable.” She sounded livid.

I stood abruptly. “But I’m not, Grandmeré. I love him enough to not go behind his back and gossip about what he’s gone through!”

She gasped, and tears filled her eyes. “You honestly believe I do not love my grandson? That I’m _gossiping_ about him? It’s not gossip to intervene if someone desperately needs help.”

Groaning, I fisted my free hand into my hair, the other clenching into the paper cup. “The _definition_ of gossip is two people talking about a third person without said third person present. Yes, people can gossip with good intentions, but I won’t participate in it. Levi will tell me when he is ready.”

“He should trust you.” 

“He does.”

“Then why won’t he tell you?” She persisted.

“Because he’s not ready. No matter how much he trusts me, if he hasn’t come to terms with whatever happened, he’ll never open up about it. Obviously, whatever he went through is causing him to hide. He’s afraid, and no amount of trust in me will make that fear go away. People say time heals all wounds, but they’re just liars. Sometimes, wounds don’t heal, no matter how many years go by. Sometimes, you just have to grab a needle and thread and stitch yourself back together because time sure as hell won’t do it for you. Clearly, Levi is still hurting. Maybe he’s tried working past whatever’s happened, or maybe not. All that matters is that he’s not past it yet.” I panted from my rant, the cold air burning my lungs.

Grandmeré looked upset, but then she quirked a half-smile at me and it hit me exactly how much she looked like Levi in that moment. The eyes, the facial structure, the slight tugging at one corner of pale and thin lips… They were practically identical.

“You know; you remind me of Isabelle.”

Confused by the sudden switch, I gaped at her. “Isabelle? Who’s that? Someone famous?” 

“No, silly. Levi’s little sister.” She said with a small laugh. “You both have the same passion in you, the same—” I tuned her out. Levi had a sister? I’d had no idea. Had he ever implied anything about siblings?

As I sat lost in thought, Grandmeré rambled on about Isabelle for a few moments longer before standing up and removing the glove she’d soaked previously. “We should get going back now,” she said. “The snow is starting to fall heavier.”

I hadn’t noticed, but she was right. Since we were under the trees, none had been reaching the ground beneath us, instead piling up high on the dead branches and chairs suspended above our heads. Outside the copse though, I could see that the snow was rapidly piling up.

As we began to quickly make our way back to the apartment, we passed by an electronic billboard announcing severe weather approaching.

“Grandmeré, do you remember what was in the fridge at home? This is apparently the beginning of a pretty big snow storm.” 

She hummed thoughtfully. “I used up the last of the eggs this morning. There’s maybe half a loaf of bread left as well?” 

“Let’s stop by the grocery store on the way home. We can also get some toilet paper and bottled water. The store is on the way home anyways.”

Continuing on in silence, we soon reached the store. It was much warmer inside, especially considering how quickly the temperature had begun to drop outside. Grandmeré and I both grabbed baskets, and upon seeing the crowds inside, decided to divide and conquer. I went after the bulkier and heavier objects while she went to hunt for eggs and bread.

The isle containing toilet paper had been wiped empty. The shelves were completely bare. Moving on to the water bottles, I saw one package left. Rapid footsteps started up from behind me, and casting a glance back, I saw a man eyeing the same pack of water. I sped up and reached it first. When I turned to put it in my basket, he sneered and walked by muttering curses under his breath. 

I met up with Grandmeré again at the check-out isle. She had had more luck than I did, managing to snag two loafs of bread and a dozen eggs.

“Do things always get so hectic whenever there’s a snow storm?” She asked. 

“Here in Trost, yes, but not for the rest of the country. What about in France?”

She hummed. “No, nothing like this.”

I paid for everything, certain that Levi would fuss at me again for it. Once we were back out on the street, we had to walk much slower since the snow was already about six inches’ deep. As I lugged the water bottles, I realized that there was something I’d neglected to say to Grandmeré. 

“I am sorry for what I said back at the park. I know you love Levi, and it wasn’t my intention to imply that you didn’t. I shouldn’t have said what I did.”

She smiled. “It’s alright. I did it to you first, after all. I should be the one to apologize. It’s clear to me how much you love him…” She trailed off before continuing. “I’ll admit, I was listening in on you and him the other day. When he was re-organizing the fridge and you read to him? He’s always loved poetry, especially discussing it afterwards. Thank you, Hanji, for loving him the way you do. Lord knows he needs it.”

I was speechless. I loved Levi? That was news to me. I liked him as a person, found his company enjoyable. I thought it was adorable the way he would pretend to be apathetic, but slip up often enough that it was clear he cared deeply. I cared for him, wanted him to be happy and healthy, but loved? No. I didn’t love him.

Still though… I couldn’t help but wonder what that would be like. Probably an awful lot like how we were treating each other now, only it would be more real. Perhaps he would kiss me more, and hold me in bed like he had that first morning. His hands were so small and strong too. Maybe he’d lace his fingers up with mine as we walked to and from that little tea shop he loved so much. 

I’d admit that would be nice. But still, it wasn’t something I wanted with him specifically. I would like a relationship, but not with Levi. He was my patient, after all. 

Grandmeré and I arrived back at Levi’s apartment soggy and covered in a thick dusting of snow. Levi was waiting for us right inside the door, a menacing glare on his face. His face was pale, and his lip was bleeding from visible bite marks. When his eyes locked with mine, they narrowed even further.

“Hanji. We need to talk. Now.”

My stomach felt off. What had I done now to upset him? Nonetheless, I followed him back to our bedroom, pausing only to drop off the water bottles on the kitchen counter. As soon as I entered the room, he shut the door firmly behind me.

“Where did you go?” He asked sternly.

“Out for a walk with Grandmeré. Why?” I don’t know why he would have had an issue with that, but maybe he did.

He pulled my phone from his back pocket. “You left this behind. Do you know how fucking worried I was? You and Grandmeré out who-knows-where, in the middle of a storm? What were you thinking? I kept calling you and there was never an answer. Because you left your phone. Don’t do that again, you idiot.”

I took the phone back, and checked and sure enough, he had called me 17 times. “Levi, it’s ok. Grandmeré and I were safe. We just went to the park down the street and talked for a bit, then picked up some things we were running low on here in case we get snowed in. We’re back now though.”

He sighed and walked towards the balcony windows and looked out at the snow. His fingers were tapping out that pattern of sevens against his elbows again. “I know, I just. Worry.”

After a few moments of thinking, something must have dawned on him because he turned to me sharply. “What did Grandmeré say to you?”

“What? I don’t—” 

“Don’t lie to me, Hanji. She’s the biggest busybody I know. She had to have said something she shouldn’t have, otherwise you wouldn’t have had to leave the house to talk! What did she tell you?” He caged me against the door, hands pinned to the wood on either side of me.

“I’m not lying! We talked about modern art, the weather in France, and...” I hesitated. “Love.” 

“Love?” he practically snarled, slamming his hands into the door with a thud. “Knock it off, Hanji, just tell me! I can’t stand to think of the things she told you!” 

After a second, he backed away and began to pace. I walked towards him, but paused. He was scaring me.

“She didn’t tell me anything,” I repeated. There was a tense moment of silence, broken by Grandpa opening the door.

“Are you both alright? We heard yelling,” he said, with a worried look on his face. Grandmeré was behind him, peeking over his shoulder.

“Laissez-nous tranquilles!” Levi barked. Grandpa jumped, but swallowed whatever he was going to say and backed out of the room.

“Levi, don’t yell at them like that! They haven’t done anything wrong!” I shouted.

He fisted his hands into his hair and cursed under his breath.

“I don’t understand Levi. What is going on?” I asked, reaching out to touch his shoulder only to be met with a slap to the hand.

It wasn’t intentional, that was clear from the shock on his face. He’d been merely trying to move my hand, but it was still a slap.

“Shit, I…” he stopped, looking devastated. “I’m so sorry Hanji, I didn’t mean to—” 

“Levi. You need to use your words. We can’t talk about anything, if you won’t tell me what’s going on.”

“Why can’t you just tell me what she said?” His voice broke as he yelled. He resumed pacing again. “What, was it something about my drug-addict mother? Did Grandmeré tell you how she’d repeatedly spend every penny we had on cocaine, leaving me to eat nothing but the shit the school system passed out once a day?”

_What…?_

“Did she tell you how when dear old mother would get so high, she wouldn’t know who I was? How she’d confuse me for her worthless boyfriend and rape me?”

_Stop it…_

“Or maybe how no matter how many times I ran away, no matter where I hid, she always found me?”

_Stop saying those things…_

“What, Hanji? What the fuck did she tell you?”

I’d had enough. He was scaring me, and my body moved on it’s own. I couldn’t stop my hand when it lashed out, smacking Levi across the face.

The moment it was over, I instantly regretted it. He looked shocked, but also deeply hurt. For the first time, I could truly see how fragile those gray eyes of his were. It looked like he could break down and cry any second, and I hated the thought.

“The only thing she said,” I finally broke the silence with my shaky voice, “was that I reminded her of your little sister. She didn’t say anything else. She tried to, but I wouldn’t let her. I said you would tell me in your own time, when you were ready, and that was it. I wasn’t lying to you, Levi.”

He was quiet, which scared me even more. With his head turned and his bangs covering his eyes, I couldn’t tell what was going through his head.

I was about to speak up again, to ask him. I needed to know. Just as I was about to, I saw a wet trail go down his cheek. 

No no no, I didn’t mean to make him cry. If I could take it back, I would.

“L-Levi…?” Even with the fear of him hitting me again, I reached out hesitantly to grab his hand. I managed to lace my fingers with his for the briefest of moments, before he twisted his wrist away and slipped out of the room.

I chased after him, brushing past his grandparents who were standing outside the bedroom door looking shocked. By the time I caught up, he was already out of the apartment and waiting at the elevator, car keys in hand. The doors slid open, letting him in. 

“Levi, wait!” I called, and tried to slip in behind him only to be shoved backwards.

“Listen bitch,” Levi hissed in my face. “We aren’t married, so quit acting like we are! Leave me the fuck alone.” With that, the doors slid shut, blocking him from my sight.

In a daze, I returned to the apartment. Grandmeré, Grandpa, and I all stared at each other silently, unable to grasp what had just happened.

Levi had left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm gonna go hide now...


	14. December 14:  Cancerous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How terrible it is to love something that death can touch.  
> —Unknown

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! Again! I couldn't sit still, so here ya go. Four days of waiting only... I think that's a new record with this fic!
> 
> You may also notice a final number of chapters listed. That's just a rough guess, so it's subject to change.
> 
> Once again, I'm gonna point out the archive warnings. CSA is mentioned in the chapter.

December 14: Friday

He was gone.

Levi had left.

I couldn’t believe it. Grandpa had tears in his large eyes, and Grandmeré looked white as a sheet. We stood there, no one wanting to move, no one wanting to make a sound, as if—by our silence—we could pretend that nothing had happened; that Levi hadn’t left; that he and I hadn’t fought.

It wasn’t working. Grandpa finally had enough, and slowly pulled me and Grandmeré into a tight group hug.

“It… It was just a fight. M—married couples have those all the time, right? Don’t they?” My voice was shaking. “He’ll come back. He has to come back.”

Grandpa rubbed his leathery hand over my hair. “Rivaille always comes back dear.”

I realized that when I saw Levi in the elevator, he hadn’t been wearing a coat. “I need to go find him!” I cried, and tried to move only to be stopped by a surprisingly firm grip on my arm from Grandpa.

“It’s dark now, and in this weather, you’ll only freeze yourself. Rivaille is a strong boy. I’m certain he will be safe.” 

I tried to wiggle away still. “Hanji!” Grandpa said firmly. “You can’t go. You won’t be of any help to him. You won’t find him. And when he comes back, he’ll be devastated if you got yourself hurt. He grabbed the car keys and his wallet. He will find himself a hostel.”

“Those don’t exist over here but I’m sure he’ll get a hotel room somewhere.” Grandmeré said to him, before turning to me. “Hanji, why don’t you see reason and stay. Maybe you could listen to what I have to say now?” 

Casting a glance out the window, I sighed. It was pitch black outside, with little white snowflakes pounding up against the glass. “Fine, you’re right. But just the bare minimum. Don’t give me any unnecessary details. I… still think Levi should be the one to tell me, but he’s…” I trailed off, and after a moment of hesitation, let them to the sofas and took a seat.

“Neither of us wanted to believe what was happening to him,” Grandmeré said. “Even though we lived in the same city, we didn’t see him very often. When we did, he was always so thin and small—much more so than the children his age. His mother always said that’s just how he was; naturally petite. Anyway, Grandpa was the one who Levi came to first.” She looked at her husband, and he swallowed thickly.

“He already said a good deal,” he began. “Although he left out some things. Whenever he would run away, he would come to our house. He would run eleven miles straight just to hide. The first time he turned up, it was 2am. He kept banging on the door, and finally I had climbed out of bed to let him in since Grandmeré was a heavy sleeper at the time. He told me what happened, but I did not believe want to believe him Hanji. He said his mother—my daughter—had touched him, and not only that, but that it had happened twice before too. And like any parent, I did not want to believe that my daughter would be capable of that.

“I let him sleep in the guest room overnight and gave him some of my pajamas. They dwarfed the poor little boy. As I was throwing his dirty clothing in the laundry though, I realized. Levi had been telling the truth. His shirt was covered in a stench that I had never smelled before, but I knew it could only be drugs. And then…” his voice broke. “I saw _it_ in his pants. I… do not know the English word.” He turned to Grandmeré. “There was _sperme_ in his pants.”

“Semen.” Grandmeré provided. “Grandpa found semen streaked along the inside of his pants.”

“And I knew.” He picked back up, wiping his eyes only to have fresh tears immediately replace the ones he’d brushed away. “I knew he was telling the truth and that we could not let him go back home.

“Naturally, I called the police the next morning. I should have known better though. Who would believe an old man and a ten-year-old boy? Certainly not the police. Kutchel got him back, and there wasn’t a thing I could do about it.

“We went on like this for years. Years, Hanji. Grandmeré and I had started saving our money as soon as we realized that we couldn’t keep Rivaille from her. And so the night before he turned sixteen, when he turned up on our doorstep after his mother did God-knows-what to him, we handed him a plane ticket and a wad of cash. I had decided that we would kidnap him; send him off to America, and follow along a month later when suspicion had died down.

“At first, the plan went wonderfully. Rivaille arrived here safely. Even though he knew no English at the time, he had told us he wasn’t afraid one bit. He really was such a brave boy.” Grandpa smiled fondly. “We’d told him to wait in Mitras for us to arrive. But the moment he landed, he called Grandmeré.” Grandpa slumped over, his breathing heavy and strained.

Grandmeré turned to him. “It’s time for you to get to bed. I’ll tell the rest, alright?”

I looked closer and Grandpa and could see, his face was paler than the snow outside, except for an unearthly green tinge around his tired eyes. He looked like death warmed over.

“Alright.” He stood slowly and it was then that I realized that his mobility had decreased over the amount of time he had been here. “Goodnight, Hanji,” he said, placing a kiss to my forehead before doing the same to his wife and slowly disappearing into his room.

Grandmeré took over the storytelling now. “When Levi called me, you know what he said Hanji? “Grandmeré,” he said ‘You know I love you, and I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, but don’t come. I can’t bear to see you and Grandpa. I know you just want to help, but… you remind me of _her_. Not… personality-wise, but certain facial expressions, Grandpa’s eyes, the way you pronounce things… It’s too much. I love you, but stay in France. I’m leaving Mitras, so even if you do come, you won’t find me.’ 

“Grandpa wasn’t healthy enough to travel by that point, so I went alone and looked but he was right. I couldn’t find him anywhere. We didn’t hear from him for three years, Hanji. Three long, agonizing years. During that time, his mother finally overdosed and died. 

“When he called us again, he had joined the army and changed his name to Levi. He sent us pictures of his friend and a girl he had somewhat adopted as a sister. Her name was Isabelle. He told us all kinds of stories about her. It wasn’t until recently that I learned she had been dead since before he enlisted. And that’s it.” She sighed heavily.

“Now, it’s your turn to tell me something Hanji.” Her eyes turned dark in a way that sent a chill down my spine. “What did Levi mean when he said you aren’t married?”

“W—what?” I gaped. We were in the hallway; she shouldn’t have heard… Unless she had opened the door to follow me out. 

“Don’t you lie to me. What did he mean?” She was practically snarling by this point, in a way that ironically reminded me very much of her grandson.

“I.. I—nothing! He only meant—” I stuttered out only to be interrupted.

“Hanji! Do. Not. Lie.”  
Letting out a huge sigh, I slumped back against the sofa. “Fine. I’ll tell you.” I couldn’t see a way to possibly get out of this, and at this point, lying more would only hurt Grandmeré and Grandpa. Levi already hated me, and I had already decided how to deal with that, so telling the truth couldn’t make anything worse.

“Levi and I aren’t married. I’m his psychiatrist actually.”

“Do you live with all your patients then? Is this some sort of newfangled therapy?” Her voice was practically dripping with sarcasm.

“Grandmeré, if you want the truth, then shut up.” I was so, so tired. 

She snorted. “Fine. Speak.”

“He came in for his session the day before you all showed up. I could tell something was off; he wasn’t acting normal. When I asked, he blurted out that he needed a pretend wife. I couldn’t believe it, but I played along, you know? Asking why and how, and all the questions I was supposed to ask.” I let out a mirthless laugh. “But then he said it _had_ to be me. Nobody else would work. And he seemed so fragile, you know? He was just barely hanging on, and that was so painfully obvious. I couldn’t tell him no, not without potentially triggering a breakdown. And so here I am.” My voice had dropped lower and lower with each word I spoke until I ended in a whisper.

Grandmeré had been pinching the bridge of her nose tightly, but finally looked up. “Hanji, you are an idiot. A well-meaning one, certainly, but an idiot. How did you possibly think this was anything less than a bad idea? 

“He only lied to you because you wouldn’t leave him alone.” I said defensively.

“Do you know why that is? Do you, Hanji? Because Levi doesn’t.” She leaned forward intently. “I kept calling him, over and over again, hoping that he’d found some kind of happiness. He’s had a miserable life; one nobody should have to live. And all I wanted was for him to be happy.”

“But why harass him?” 

“That wasn’t for myself. I would have been fine with him taking as long as he needed to find happiness. But Grandpa…” her voice trailed off.

The pieces clicked together. “He’s dying, isn’t he Grandmeré?” 

She nodded silently. “His cancer had been in remission for so long. But it’s come back worse than before. The doctor gave him two months. And the only thing he’s ever wanted was to see Levi happy. So, I kept calling because Grandpa wouldn’t. As soon as I heard that Levi got married,” she gave me a look at that, “I told Grandpa and he insisted on coming out here to meet you.”

She stood up and moved to sit on the same sofa that I was on, right next to me, and grabbed my hand. “Hanji, please keep pretending for just a little while longer. Let a dying old man believe his grandson has finally reached a bright point in his otherwise miserable life? And don’t tell Levi. He’s having a hard enough time as it is.”

“I’m sticking this through to the end, Grandmeré.”

She smiled.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  
It was strange being in Levi’s room without him. Even though he’d been avoiding me the past few days, his presence had always been there. I found myself staring at the spot we’d stood last, when I slapped him. Why had I done that? I could see how much pain he was in, yet I let my fear blind me and struck out. 

With a sigh, I went into the bathroom and froze. _Oh shit, no this could not be happening!_ my mind cried. 

Levi’s medications were sitting there, perfectly aligned with each other on the counter at a right angle to the toothbrush stand. When he’d been transferred to me, he had already been on the medications. They had been working, so I didn’t change them. But he had been slipping lately, I could see it even though whenever I asked, he said he felt the same. Without his medication, his mind would eat him alive.

I dug my phone out of my pocket and called him. I’d tell him about how he left his meds, I’d apologize, tell him how much he’s worrying his grandparents. I’d go and find him and bring him home.

My heart sank as I heard his ringtone going off from his room. With a heart full of dread at the inevitable, I looked back into the room, and saw his phone lit up, vibrating against the bed.

Levi had left without his medication, and I had no way to find him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, sorry. Was that supposed to get fixed? Oops...


	15. December 14-16: Cemetery Home (Levi POV)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cause I need an interventionist  
> To intervene between me and this monster  
> And save me from myself and all this conflict  
> 'Cause the very thing that I love is killing me and I can't conquer it  
> My OCD is conking me in the head  
> Keep knocking, nobody's home, I'm sleepwalking  
> I'm just relaying what the voice in my head's saying  
> Don't shoot the messenger, I'm just friends with the monster under my bed
> 
> \--The Monster, Eminem (ft. Rhianna)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, I'll be hiding (read: sleeping) by the time y'all reach the end of this chapter! It's 4am lol... (if you see any typos, please let me know and I'll fix them when I wake up)
> 
> Anyway, I have a couple of things to say.
> 
> 1\. Yeah, I changed my pen name. I never really liked Theraven4597 too much. It was more of a random "I need a username so I'll go with this" sort of thing. I've now come up with one I like though. :)
> 
> 2\. MOST IMPORTANT: Shout out to my friend Isabelle from tumblr for her amazing suggestion! It's worked in briefly into this chapter so I wanted to give a big thank you to her now, even though it plays a bigger role in the next chapter. It was a brilliant idea, Isabelle. Thank you. <3
> 
> 3\. I've got a headcanon that Levi hates his nickname of 'Humanities Strongest Soldier,' so I worked that in here. It'd be fun to hear y'all's thoughts on it though.
> 
> 4\. Just to clarify; intrusive thoughts are a big part of OCD, and Levi copes with that by referring to them as the 'voice' in his head, which Hanji encourages him to treat as separate from who he is. He can't control those thoughts, and they aren't things that he would ever want to do yet they appear anyway. 
> 
> 5\. Once again... Graphic descriptions of violence and major character death are tagged for a reason. This chapter also contains heavy suicide themes.
> 
> 6\. I couldn't find any information anywhere on how long it takes for the medication for OCD and PTSD to wear out of your system, so I just went with this. If it is wrong, I sincerely apologize. It wasn't my intention to misrepresent anything. I simply couldn't find enough information.

December 14: Friday

The snow fell heavily on the tombstone before me. It was building up against it, the ones nearby, and the walls of the cemetery. The snowflakes had caught in the engraved lettering, contrasting brightly with the dark, worn stone. I don’t know whose grave marker it was, and honestly I didn’t care. It didn’t matter. It was just another person, who had done what every person does; left. They all leave. Every single one of them. People always die; it’s the only thing they’re good at. Humans are so disgustingly fragile, yet filled with such pride and arrogance about their strength—myself most of all. 

I didn’t deserve that name my squad had given me; the name they’d spread to the whole battalion. _”Humanities Strongest.’_ Humans aren’t strong. _I_ am not strong, and I never have been. And yet I loved that they believed I was. I let myself think I was, deluded myself into believing it even. I wanted so badly to be strong. So badly to be able to keep those I loved safe.

Yet I couldn’t. Isabel, Farlan, Petra, Oluo and their baby, Eld, Gunther… All of them, dead. All because of me; because I wasn’t strong enough, at least not in the way that mattered.

Muscles are unimportant. Mental strength is irrelevant. Stamina, agility, fighting skills… What did they matter when I still couldn’t save what was most important? 

They didn’t, and that was all there was to it. As ‘strong’ as everyone thought I was, I still hadn’t been strong enough when my strength was the only thing standing between my friends and death. I wasn’t enough. I couldn’t protect them, and they died because of it. 

With a heavy sigh, I turned back to the motel across the street. I had picked it simply because of it’s location to the city graveyard. In an ironic way, I found graveyards comforting. Maybe it was because I spent so much of my life—far too much of it, in fact—standing in them. They were almost like a home to me. Wherever I went, there a graveyard was: always waiting, always welcoming; none exactly like the other, yet still the same in essence. They were peaceful, even though they were filled with so much violence and tragedy. 

I wanted to be like that. Peaceful: able to forget the things that had happened so many years ago and able to move past Krovla. I wanted nothing more than to be at peace.

Finally reaching my room, I first carefully checked the door outside for signs of forced entry and upon finding none, I entered and quickly locked the door behind me only to unlock it again. I twisted the knob again and again: lock, unlock, lock, unlock, lock. Finally feeling satisfied, I turned and took stock of the room. Everything appeared to be exactly like I’d left it; the car keys that I hadn’t used were sitting on the end table next to the seedy-looking bed, and the three bottles of Clorox wipes that I’d swiped from the maid’s cleaning cart were lined up perfectly along the desk in the corner. Everything was the same. Nobody had broken in while I was gone.

It was freezing in there. I’d forgotten to turn on the heater when I left. After flicking on the germ-covered hot water pot that sat next to the tv, I moved to the bed and dropped down onto it. With a grunt, I leaned forward and tugged the pistol from where I’d kept it, tucked between my pants and the small of my back. The metal of the barrel was warm with my body heat and felt soothing on my frozen fingers. Dropping it beside me, I lifted the phone from it’s holder and dialed.

 _“Hello?_ Hanji sounded exhausted.

“Hey Hanji…” 

_“Levi? Oh my god, where are you?! It’s almost midnight! You shouldn’t have run off. It’s freezing outside, and you left your coat. And your medicine, Levi.”_ Her rapid-fire string of words died sourly. 

I felt sick to my stomach. I’d left my medications. How fucking stupid could I be? Damn it. Nothing I could do to fix it now. It was gonna be a hell of a few days. 

_“Tell my where you are and I’ll bring them to you.”_

“No you can’t. I was just outside. There’s a foot of snow on the ground and it’s still coming down. It’ll be frozen by morning. You’ll kill yourself trying to get here.” I shivered as I heard water heater go off, signaling that the water was now hot enough. Finally.

I went to make my tea, stretching out the coiled cord on the phone in the process.

Hanji sighed through the phone. _“You’re right,”_ she said. _“But still; none of us can sleep here without knowing you’re safe.”_

“Fine.” I started sifting through the few teas provided. “I’m at the shitty little motel just down the street. The one across from the cemetery. They only have bagged tea.” I decided on Lipton. I hadn’t ever tried the brand, but I’d seen a lot of commercials for it so it couldn’t be too terrible. Besides, I’d always believed that any tea is better than no tea.

 _“Well you should have thought about that before you left,”_ she snapped out. I heard a sniffle.

“Are you crying?” I was shocked.

_“You idiot. We all have been.”_

I grunted since there wasn’t much else I could say.

 _“I’m sorry for slapping you,”_ Hanji whispered.

“Don’t be,” I replied easily, pouring the water into the mug provided. I’d cleaned it thoroughly earlier. “I hit you first, after all.”

She was silent.

“And…” I continued slowly. “I am so, so sorry for that Hanji.” My voice broke. Great, now I was going to cry.

 _“That’s not important right now. You don’t have your medication, and you can’t get it. Don’t leave your room, ok? And remember Levi, your intrusive thoughts do not represent who you are. They come from the OCD; not the man in you. I’ll see you soon,”_ she said, right before hanging up.

Still cradling the phone between my ear and my shoulder, I removed the tea bag, threw it out, and went back to the bed. After placing the phone back, I grabbed the gun again and just looked at it. 

Not only had it been my first gun, it was also the nicest I’d owned. I’d stolen it off a rich but stupid gangbanger when I was sixteen and living on the streets in the Underground with Isabelle and Farlan. It had a five-inch barrel, and dark gray G10 stocks which matched the tone of the metal perfectly. There was an undercut trigger guard and an upswept beaver tail grip, so I could hold it comfortably at several different heights. It wasn’t too heavy either, compared to other 1911s, weighing only forty ounces. 

It had been so many places with me too. There were a few nicks in the finish around the hammer that I remembered getting when Isabelle and Farlan…

No. I shook my head slightly, silently reprimanding myself. If I forgot my medication, those thoughts would come soon enough. No need to get started now. Quickly, I tucked the gun under my pillow and picked up the tea.

I took a sip but immediately gagged at the disgustingly bitter flavor. I had counted out exactly two minutes while it steeped, so I hadn’t singed the leaves. The water hadn’t been too hot; I’d made sure of that as well. It wasn’t even because it was bagged since I’d had many bagged teas that weren’t too terrible. It was simply the brand. Lipton was shit. I amended the belief that I’d held for so long. The only thing worse than no tea was Lipton.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
December 15: Saturday

My fingertips were bleeding. The Clorox from the sterile wipe in my hand burning the cuts and scrapes like hellfire, but I didn’t drop it. The bathtub in front of me was not clean enough yet.

 _You’re a monster,_ the voice whispered.

There was black mildew in the seam of where the silver water faucets and drain met the porcelain of the tub. No matter how much I scrubbed, I couldn’t get rid of them. 

_You hit Hanji. After she told you about the abuse she suffered._

To make matters worse, there were now faint, rusty red streaks of blood contrasting brightly with the white of the tub from wherever they’d been smeared by my hands. Those would have to go too, but whenever I’d wipe one up, another would appear elsewhere.

 _How twisted are you? How inhuman?_

I hoped everyone at home was safe. I was worried about them. I’d left the old corded phone off the hook so they couldn’t call me back. Talking to them was simultaneously the thing I wanted most and what I wanted least. I didn’t want to see Grandpa, Grandmeré, and Hanji again, yet I couldn’t imagine life without them.

_What is so destroyed inside you that would cause you to do that?_

I’d made such a fool of myself. If only I’d stayed calm. If only I hadn’t hit Hanji. If only I hadn’t lied about being married. If only I hadn’t joined the army, hadn’t run away in America but instead run away years ago, as soon as I realized what exactly it was my mother was doing when she’d slide her hand under her skirt after snorting cocaine. If only, if only, if only. 

_You’re sick; disgusting._

So many regrets. So many times where, if I had just made a slightly different choice, my life and the lives of everyone I knew would have been so much better. So many mistakes, so many lives lost. All of them were my fault.

_The world would be better off if you were dead._

I froze, knowing what was coming. No. Please, no.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
December 16: Sunday

_Do it._

No.

_Kill yourself._

“No.” I repeated, aloud this time. “You aren’t me. Get the fuck out of my head.” 

_At least then, you’ll be able to apologize to everyone you failed._

There really were so many.

_Isabel._

Face twisted in terror, a deep gash across her throat; skirt gone and shirt ripped in half, blood dripping down from between her thighs and pooling onto her chest even though her heart had long since stopped beating. 

_Farlan._

That grayish mush that used to be his brain, spilling onto the ground, flecked with white shards of bone and blood so dark and thick it looked like oil. His beautiful blue eyes that had always reminded me of an arctic sea covered with a glassy and fogged sheen.

_Petra._

Slightly swollen stomach, gaping whole just to the left of the center. Dirt and mud caked under her fingernails from trying to crawl her way to her lover. 

_Oluo._

He took more gunshot wounds than anybody should have been able to and yet he still kept fighting. For so long and so hard, all to save his girl and child even though I could see that beneath his mania he knew it was fruitless.

_Eld._

Shot right between the eyes, blond hair stained dark from blood. He didn’t even have time to blink—never knew what hit him.

_Gunther._

A bullet wound in the neck, squirting bright red blood out with every beat of his heart as it tried to save his life only to fail. The thrashing way his hands clutched desperately at the wound, trying to hold onto life with every last bit of strength.

_An unborn child. An unborn child is dead because you are weak._

What would the baby have looked like? What gender? Would it have been short like Petra? Have Olou’s nose? Delicately snort when it laughed at terrible puns like it’s mother, or have it’s father’s protective and caring spirit and—just like him—try to hide it beneath gruffness?

_You’re pathetic. You couldn’t save them, yet you led them to think that you could._

Maybe their baby would have been highly academic like Hanji; possess a brilliant mind, with so many complex layers that none could hope to ever truly understand it. Or the baby could have been more athletically inclined, or artistic, or imaginative. 

_They trusted you. Because of that, they’re dead._

What good would that unborn child have done in the world? How many lives would it have changed for the better? How many people will be hurt because it will never have the chance?

_You killed them._

I did. I killed them.

_The only way you can repay that debt is to kill yourself._

No. I didn’t want to die. I wanted to live. For once in my life, I wanted to live.

_Die, Levi Ackerman, Humanities Greatest Failure. Humanities Worst Backstabber. Humanities Weakest Man._

I wanted to fall in love. I wanted to get married for real. I wanted to get a cat, go visit France again, get a college education and a job I enjoyed. I wanted to see my leg healed completely and then run until I collapsed, just because I could. Hanji… I wanted to kiss her. I wanted to see springtime again, with all the little birds singing so prettily.

I didn’t want to die. I knew I didn’t want to die. 

_Nobody would miss you._

“I am not my intrusive thoughts, I am not my intrusive thoughts, I am not—” I gasped out over and over again, trying to convince myself of what Hanji had told me on the phone the day before yesterday.

_Not your grandparents. You were such a burden on them, remember? Always turning up in the middle of the night crying like a child. Begging them to hide you. Getting them in trouble with the police. They wouldn’t miss you. They’d be happy to not have to deal with you anymore._

_Erwin wouldn’t miss you. As soon as he had finished using you, he labeled you insane and shipped you off. Off to a new city, far away from where you and him used to live._

_And Hanji certainly wouldn’t miss you. You’re just her patient, remember? She’s said it so many times. In fact, she’d be happy you’re gone too. Look at how much you’ve screwed up her life: making her live with you; making her trust you enough to open up about being abused even though you knew you couldn’t handle it. And you didn’t, did you? You couldn’t handle hearing about what happened to her._

That was true. I knew the voice was a liar, but this was true. As brief a description as she gave me about her childhood with Moblit, it was enough. Enough to launch my mind back to the nightmare that was my own past, and the voice hadn’t left that alone, no. It had pounced on it, bringing back unwanted memories, images, and sensations.

I started to convulse just thinking about what’d been going through my mind since then.

_Then you hit her. You fucking monster._

I didn’t mean to!

_Does that matter? Who cares about intentions when it’s actions that affect people?_

I panted heavily. The voice was right again. It doesn’t matter that I’d simply been trying to stop her from touching me. That didn’t change the fact that I still hit her.

_She hates you now. She’ll probably tell you to kill yourself when she sees you next too._

My hands were trembling. 

_You know I’m right._

I shook my head violently, as if doing so would scatter the thoughts.

_Die, Levi Ackerman._

No.

_Die._

I doubled over onto my knees, locked my fingers into my hair and yanked hard. It hurt badly, yet it didn’t do anything to dislodge the demon hiding in my brain. It did nothing to block out the unwanted whisperings.

_There’s a gun under your pillow._

Was that really what I wanted?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *hides*


	16. December 17: To Love in Vain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A mighty pain to love it is,  
> And 'tis a pain that pain to miss;  
> But of all pains, the greatest pain  
> It is to love, but love in vain.  
> \--Abraham Cowley

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! I'd been hoping to have this chapter out earlier, but my trip was extended a few days to avoid traveling during the hurricane. I'm finally home now! Anyway, here you go. Chapter 16. It's a little bit longer than my usual, so please enjoy.
> 
> Again, thanks to Isabelle from Tumblr for suggesting the idea with the Titans. :)

December 17: Monday

“I’m leaving!” I called loudly as I slipped on an old pair of Levi’s snow boots that I’d found deep in his closet. They were just a little large on me, but not enough to cause me any problems. I tried to tie the long laces, but my hands were trembling so much that the strings kept slipping from my fingers. In the end, I resorted to a tight knot that would be hell to undo later.

Grandpa came out from where he’d been laying down in his room. “Be safe, Hanji. Remember what I told you about the snow, ok?”

I chuckled. “Don’t worry Grandpa. He’s only a couple of blocks away. I don’t think I’ll have to build myself an igloo to survive the night. I’ll keep your tips in mind though.” 

It was very sweet how concerned he was for my safety. When I’d told them last night that I was going to get Levi in the morning, he had told me everything he’d learned during World War 1 about surviving in the snow. He’d continued to treat me like family, as well. I was grateful that Grandmeré had kept her word, and hadn’t let a single thing slip about my real relationship with Levi. Now that I knew he was dying, it was so obvious. I couldn’t believe that I’d missed it before. He slept most of the time, and had hardly any energy. His face was abnormally pale and sunken. Every word he spoke had the finality of someone’s last words.

He stretched his arms out for a hug and I gave him one. It was warm and gentle, and right before letting go, he whispered “I love you, girly.”

My eyes watered up. If he knew what I was doing to him, he wouldn’t love me.

Grandmeré joined our hug, before quickly pulling away and dragging me to the door. “You’ve got his medicine, right?” She whispered harshly.

“Yeah, I do.” I muttered back before speaking louder. “We’ll be back soon. With Levi’s leg, I’m not sure if he can make it back home with all the snow on the ground.”

“Good luck to you!” Grandmeré called.

I was off to find Levi. His medication was in a backpack, which also contained some basic foodstuffs. I was certain the hotel Levi was at had food they’d been providing to the stranded guests, but it was better to be safe than sorry.

Outside, there was still a foot of snow on the sidewalks. The roads had been mostly cleared though, leaving towering walls of ice, streaked black with motor oil, piled along the edges of the sidewalks, making them even more difficult to use. After noticing there was hardly any traffic, I decided to walk on the road instead. There was a lot of ice that the snow plows had left behind. The crisp scent of snow had also faded away from when I’d last poked my head outside to check the state of the streets.

There was no one else walking, and I only had to move out of the way for five cars. I slipped three times and fell once, landing funny on my wrist. It throbbed painfully, but moved like it should. After that, I quickly reached Levi’s motel. He really hadn’t run very far at all. It wasn’t even a ten-minute walk from his apartment. The lobby looked deserted, but I tried the door anyway and was surprised when it opened.

The young man at the desk gave a slight start. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and I was a sight. I’d bundled up under my own coat and Levi’s, was wearing jeans that were now soaked from my fall, boots that were clearly men’s, and my wild hair was only partially contained under an army-green beanie.

Still, I threw on my most charming smile and quickly made my way to the front desk. “Hello! My husband has a room here, and I supposed to meet him, but I can’t for the life of me remember his room number! Can you help me?”

The young man, called Jean, according to his nametag, looked a bit nervous. “I’d need to see some ID ma’am, along with your husbands name.”

“Oh sure thing. His name is Levi Ackerman. I didn’t take his last name though; would that be a problem?” I asked, as I dug my drivers license out from where I’d stuffed it in the backpack.

He hesitated, glanced at my ID, and opened his mouth. Glancing up quickly, he saw my smile and smiled in return. “Sure. He’s in 207.”

“Thank you so much!”  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
I knocked loudly and waited. 

There was no answer.

I knocked again, louder.

Again, silence.

On the third time, the door jerked open right as my knuckles hit the wood, and I was face to face with the barrel of a gun.

I shrieked and leapt backwards.

Levi let out a gasp, and lowered the gun. “I’m so sorry Hanji! I thought you were someone else.” He flipped his grip around, so that he was instead clutching the barrel and extended it to me. “Please, take it away.”

Hesitantly, I wrapped my fingers around the warm grips. “I.. I don’t know what to do with this.”

“It’s fine, just come in.” He muttered.

I did, and the first thing that hit me was the smell. The room smelled so strongly of cleaning chemicals that I could hardly breathe. Turning to reprimand Levi, I finally got a good look at him. He was haggard. His hair was disheveled, his eyes were dull, sunken and dark, and there was several days worth of stubble on his jaw. He’s clothes were rumpled as well, and his fingers were red and raw. It looked like he had been chewing on his bottom lip again, because it was dry and cracked in a way that looked very painful.

As exhausted as he looked, he still gave a slight smirk. “Hey Hanji.”

“Is that all you have to say for yourself?! ‘Hey Hanji?’ Don’t “hey Hanji’ me! You have no idea how worried we all were for you!” I waved my arms in my frustration, completely forgetting that one hand held his gun.

Levi’s eyes widened quickly. “Quit waving that around, alright? Don’t point it at anything you don’t plan to shoot.”

I startled when I remembered what was in my hands. “’Don’t point it at anything you don’t plan to shoot,’ huh? So who did you think was at the door? Who were you going to shoot?”

He sighed. “I’ll tell you in a minute. Can you just give me my medications first?”

“Oh, sure.” I quickly dug them out and handed them over. Levi swallowed them dry.

“So,” he breathed, once the pills were down. “What did you ask again?”

“Who did you think was at the door?”

He looked a little sheepish. “The Titans.”

“You know they’re all still in Krovla, right?” I asked hesitantly.

His eyes snapped back to meet mine. “Of course I know that, I’m not an idiot. I know exactly where the Titans are. It never hurts to be prepared though, just in case.” 

“Can you take the gun back?” Holding it made me feel incredibly nervous.

A panicked look flitted across his face before it was hidden again by that expressionless mask. “No. You keep it for now. Just stick it between the waistband of your jeans and your back.” 

“But what if it goes off?”

He didn’t try to hide his look of utter confusion. “Guns don’t just… _go off_ , Hanji. That’s not how they work.”

I didn’t believe him, and he could tell.

“Hanji! I’m military. I was in a gang. I know guns, alright? I could take one apart and put it back together in my sleep. The safety’s on. Don’t turn it off and we won’t have a problem. It’s perfectly safe.” He assured.

“And where is the safety?” I wanted to be certain I wouldn’t accidentally hit it.

“Right there on the left side. See the switch?” His hands wrapped overtop of mine, and he flicked the little switch he’d pointed out, revealing a red dot underneath. “You see red, that means it’s off. Red for the blood it’ll draw.” He flicked it back. “Now there’s no red. Safety’s on, and it won’t fire no matter how hard you might pull the trigger.”

I sighed heavily and set it gingerly on the bed beside me. I wasn’t going to shove it in my pants like he wanted. Once he was either out of the room or asleep, I would stick it in the backpack. Glancing back at Levi, it looked like he’d been through hell since I’d seen him last. That was probably accurate, too. He looked haunted.

“Why don’t you lay down and take a nap? Once you wake up, the medicine should have kicked in and you’ll feel better.”

He let out a yawn. “Sounds good. I haven’t slept since I got here.” He then curled right up on the bed, as if he hadn’t just said something as major as he did. My mouth fell open. He really hadn’t slept in three days? The poor man.

I went back to my backpack and dug out a book I’d brought to keep myself entertained until he woke up.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
Hours later, long after I’d eaten a boring dinner of the non-perishable food I’d brought, Levi still hadn’t woken up, which wasn’t surprising; not expecting him up until the next morning, I climbed into the other bed and went to sleep as well. 

I didn’t dream, which was probably why I woke the instant I felt cool fingers pressing into my neck. My first thought was that someone was trying to choke me, and so I gripped the thick wrist tightly and wrenched it away, sitting up so fast that it made me dizzy. 

Levi was crouched on the end of my bed looking for all the world like a vulture. His mouth was open in surprise, and it was his arm that my fingers were bruising.

“What the hell were you doing?” I snarled. I thought I’d made it clear a week ago that I didn’t want him touching me if his grandparents weren’t around.

His mouth shut tightly and he swallowed loudly. “Nothing.” 

“Levi, what were you doing?” My grip on his arm tightened more.

He jerked his arm back. “I was making sure you’re still alive. I do it every night I’m at home, for you and my grandparents. I wake up terrified that one of you has died and I can’t calm down until I’m certain you’re still here, ok?” He dropped his eyes to the ground.

“Oh Levi,” I sighed. “Next time, wake me up and I’ll sit with you, alright?”

He nodded silently.

“How about we go back to sleep now.”

“No, there’s… something I want to talk to you about.” He took a deep breath. “I feel wrong keeping it a secret, considering that you’re living with me for the time being. I… have developed feelings for you.” His hand immediately went to cover his face. “I don’t expect any response. Don’t want one, even. Can we just… continue with our relationship as we have been? Before I asked you to pretend to be my wife, that is?”

My heart sank. That made what I’d decided the night I slapped him even harder to voice. 

“Unfortunately we can’t. That’d be wrong, Levi.”

He looked dumbfounded. “What? It’s not wrong! How can it be wrong when I don’t have to wash my hands after touching you? You’re the only person I can say that about! And there’s never a quiet moment in my head, but when I look at you, everything is silent. The voice in my head goes away. You are the best thing I’ve ever gotten stuck on. Tell me how that could possibly be wrong.” He paused, panting. “I know I’m not ready for a romantic relationship, and I’m not asking for one. I just… I don’t want you to leave me. Not you too.”

“I’m not going anywhere, Levi. That’s not what I meant. I simply going to refer you to Dr. Shadis. He was a soldier too. You’ll have a lot in common, I think.” Upon seeing his mouth open to protest, I continued quickly. “I’ll take care of Erwin, alright? You’ll still receive your pension.”

“But that doesn’t change the fact that you’ll be out of my life! You’ll be gone, just like everyone else!” His voice wavered slightly.

“I won’t be gone, Levi! Keith’s office is right down the hall from mine! After your sessions, you can stop by chat. We can go get coffee together. I won’t be your doctor anymore; I’ll be your friend.” I did my best to assure him.

“That’s not good enough.”

“Too bad, because that’s what you’re getting!” I shouted. 

He winced.

“I’m sorry.” I looked at the comforter in my lap. A tear trickled down my cheek. “Levi, that’s how this has to work. I can’t be your doctor anymore. Living with you was a very bad idea. Too much has happened. I wasn’t good enough.”

Levi quickly crawled up to where I was and wrapped his arms around me. “You are an amazing psychiatrist, Hanji.” He murmured. “You’ve helped me so much more than I can put into words.”

I snorted. “Yeah right. I slapped you, chased you out into a snowstorm, I’ve lied to you, I’ve yelled at you more than once. I’ve teased you about your OCD… How is any of that being a good doctor?”

“Hey, to be fair, you didn’t chase me out into a snowstorm. That was all me.”

A few chuckles escaped, despite my tears. “Ok, fine. Cross that off my list of sins. I’m still pretty terrible at this doctor thing.” 

He planted a kiss on the top of my head. “I don’t believe you.”

After a few more moments of silence, I gently pushed his arms off of me. “It’s time to go back to sleep. What time is it, anyway?”

“Three am.” He replied easily, as he went back to his own bed.

“Yikes. I’m gonna need a nap tomorrow.” I yawned as I spoke, distorting my words to an almost incomprehensible point.

He didn’t reply. I laid back down, and right as I was drifting off again, he spoke.

“Hanji… is it unrequited?” His voice was so soft, I barely heard it.

I only hesitated for the briefest moment, before telling him the truth.

“Yes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See? I told you I could fix it! Everybody's happy now, right? Yeah? Levi's in love with Hanji, and she doesn't feel the same; Grandpa is dying; Hanji is no longer going to be his doctor... It's all better, right?
> 
> Oh... it's not? Hmm. 
> 
> Silver lining, though: the significance in the fact that Levi gave Hanji his loaded gun. There is much significance there, especially because he has PTSD. Levi is terrified that someone will attack him and hurt those he loves, so he views guns as his safety blanket. And he gave that safety blanket to Hanji. 
> 
> Does that help the feels at all?


	17. December 18: Vanished Monsters Haunting Still

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I ruled the world.  
> With these hands I shook the heavens to the ground.  
> I laid the gods to rest.  
> I held the key to the kingdom.  
> Lions guarding castle walls.  
> Hail the king of death.
> 
> Then I lost it all  
> Dead and broken.  
> My back's against the wall.  
> Cut me open.  
> I'm just trying to breathe,  
> Just trying to figure it out  
> Because I built these walls to watch them crumbling down.  
> I said, "Then I lost it all."  
> And who can save me now?
> 
> I stood above  
> Another war,  
> Another jewel upon the crown.  
> I was the fear of men.  
> But I was blind.  
> I couldn't see the world there right in front of me.  
> But now I can... (yeah)
> 
> 'Cause I lost it all  
> Dead and broken.  
> My back's against the wall.  
> Cut me open.  
> I'm just trying to breathe,  
> Just trying to figure it out  
> Because I built these walls to watch them crumbling down.  
> I said, "Then I lost it all."  
> Who can save me now?
> 
> \--Lost it All, Black Veil Brides

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The “fire and light” Hanji talks about is actually called a muzzle flash. It’s not anything scary or dangerous, but is just caused by propellant gasses escaping from behind the bullet fired and-depending on the gun-might include unburned gunpowder interacting with the oxygen in the atmosphere. I didn’t have Hanji use the correct term, because I wanted her to have the layperson’s understanding of how guns work, just as a contrast to Levi.
> 
> Anyway, graphic descriptions of violence and character death for this chapter. Stop reading at the bold “Warning.” Hehe…
> 
> You can pick back up at “The news anchor appeared again.” I tried to structure the in-between paragraphs so that the first few words of each are non-graphic so you can skip ahead easier.

December 18: Tuesday

When I awoke again, Levi was in the shower. The walls were thin enough that I could hear not only the water running, but the sounds of him setting down a bottle of the provided bath soaps.

Not wanting to leave the warmth trapped underneath the bed sheets, I rolled over just far enough to slap my hand blindly around on the bedside table before finally finding the remote. I clicked the tv on, and turned to the news channel. It had been a while since I’d paid attention to it.

The news anchor was doing a special on the war in Krovla, and I perked up a bit. After quickly glancing towards the bathroom to ensure Levi was still in there, I set the volume as low as I possibly could while still being able to hear it. 

“—Titans had been driven back, all thanks to the efforts of Capitan Ackerman before he vanished. The Titans have been gaining ground again since his disapearance. Commander Smith still will not comment on what has happened to Capitan Ackerman.”

The woman paused and a photo of Levi flashed up on the screen, taking up the left side, while she was still visible on the right. I couldn’t help but notice that he looked good. Really good. Levi was dressed in his fatigues, Capitan ranking clearly visible on his chest and arm. His eyes were clear and bright, lacking the dark circles underneath that I’d come to believe were a natural part of his complexion. While his face was still as serious and stern as it was now, I could tell he was happier then. There was a sparkle in his eyes that hadn’t been there when I first met him; a sparkle that I had noticed was beginning to return the longer I stayed with him. 

The news anchor continued. “What we do know, is that the man once nicknamed by his deceased squadron as ‘Humanities Strongest,’ was actually injured during his horrific last battle. Some claim that he is convalescing quietly, and will return soon. Others say he has lost his mind after the seeing the brutal deaths of his friends and soldiers. And there are a few who believe he died at base as the doctor tried to treat his wounds. Our source has released several photos captured by a friendly surveillance drone flying overhead at the time of the incident, along with a few taken by the clean-up crew.”

Another image appeared, and this time it sent chills of dread down my spine. It was a completely black panel with bold red lettering, reading out an alert.

**Warning: graphic images shown. Viewer discretion required.**

After a few moments, it disappeared, and was replaced a distant view of a dusty barren ground. There were large boulders scattered around, each pitted and pocked like like some sort of meteor. I looked closer, and could see Levi and his squad. The photo was taken from a great enough distance that I couldn’t make out faces, but from Levi’s description of what had happened, I could tell which he was. 

The second photo appeared, and it was much closer. I could see everyone’s faces. Levi had turned and was walking backwards so that he could face his soldiers. He looked furious, mouth open and finger pointing sharply towards the sole woman in the squadron; that must be Petra. I could see a slight baby bump under her uniform. She didn’t look sorry in the least, but instead had her chin up and eyes blazing as she fought back.

In the third photo which was closer still, Levi had turned back around and had just walked past an enormous boulder. His fists were clenched tightly at his sides, and I could see the tension in his jawline. Behind him, to the right of the boulder, a red-gloved hand could be seen, and a masked face peeking out. I gasped aloud when I noticed it. The mask was a gruesome rendition of the human face missing most of it’s skin. 

The next photo appeared, and Levi was sprawled on the ground face down, dark blood pooling from his thigh. Two men, who I assumed were Eld and Gunther, were collapsed in heaps, more blood than I’d imagined possible surrounding them in a puddle. One had his hands wrapped around his own neck, bright red coating his fingers, while the other’s head was stained dark in parts. The Titans, fifteen of them, were crouched atop and around the rock I’d first spotted one behind.

In the new photo that flashed up, Petra was crouched on the ground clutching her stomach, screaming in the direction of a man who had run directly towards the Titans. Levi had stood, looking ready to collapse, yet still managed to have his rifle pointed at the closest Titan. The image had been captured when he was in mid shot. Fire and light was bursting out of the barrel of his gun, and the head of the nearest Titan was snapped back into an unnatural position with blood bursting from one eye.

The picture changed again. This time, Petra had completely collapsed, and the man she’d been yelling at had more blood surrounding him than I had thought possible. Titans were scattered around, each with blood oozing from beneath their masks. Levi was straddling one, knife shoved through his mouth and out his cheek, the tip resting near their eye. His dark hair was matted down to his face with blood while his fatigues were soaked with the stuff, and he was clearly favoring his injured leg.

The news anchor appeared again, looking far too upbeat for having just shown those photos. I felt sick to my stomach. 

“Next we have photos from the clean-up crew,” the happy anchor said.

I scrunched my eyes shut, pushing my fists into them in an attempt to block out the images. Dear God, how could Levi sleep at night at all? I wasn’t sure how much time passed, but eventually the woman on screen began talking again.

“So as you saw, Capitan Ackerman was severely injured, yet was able to keep fighting. It is clear he earned his nickname. We have been repeatedly in contact with Commander Smith to attempt to find out what has happened to our ‘Strongest,’ but—”

The water in the bathroom shut off. I quickly rushed to turn off the tv, and burrowed under the covers to try to calm my breathing with the intention of pretending to be asleep.

I clearly wasn’t used to being woken in the middle of the night, because a few moments later, my pretending became a reality.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
“I used to want to be a lawyer. Prosecutor, to be specific. The larger the crowd I’m talking to, the worse with words I get, but that wouldn’t matter. I could just point out the evidence repeatedly until the criminal was declared guilty and locked away.” Levi and I were camped out on his bed facing each other. I was stretched out across the bottom half of the bed, laying on my side to see Levi who was propped against the headboard, his short legs stretched out with his ankles resting on my thighs. The room was still so cold—Levi told me the hotel had lost heat a few days ago—so we’d taken the blankets from my bed and spread them over us, making a little nest of sorts.

“So how about you?” He asked. “What did you want to be when you were little?”

We had been trying to come up with things to do, and I’d suggested playing twenty questions. Levi had rolled his eyes at first, but since had gotten really into it.

I sighed. “To be honest, I didn’t dream about the future when I was little. I wasn’t sure I would live to see the next day, much less reach adulthood. When I was fourteen though, I realized I wanted to help people, and at fifteen decided psychology was the way I would do it.”

Levi’s eyes widened, and I couldn’t help but compare them to what they’d looked like in the photo on the news this morning. They were dull, heavy, tired—but beneath, far beneath, I could see that spark. “Really? I know things were bad with the Berners, but were things bad before that too?”

“You can’t ask two questions in a row!” I cried indignantly, slapping my hand on the blankets between us. “That’s cheating! It’s my turn.” I hummed in thought and began to smooth out the wrinkles I’d created in the fabric. “Can you say something for me in French?”

“Quelque chose pour moi en français.” He smirked at the smile that spread across my face.

“What did that mean? Tell me Levi!” My hands fisted into the blanket, creating wrinkles again.

“What happened to not asking two questions in a row?” He looked awfully smug for someone who’d just been tricked.

“Hah!” I released the sheets and pointed at him. “You just asked me a question! It’s my turn again! What did that mean?”

“Shitty four-eyes,” he muttered, rolling his eyes. “I said something for you in French.”

“What? No you have to tell me! That’s the rules!” My hand gripped the ankle of his uninjured leg through the blankets and shook it gently.

“I did!” He groaned in pretend exasperation. “I literally said ‘something for you in French!’”

I gasped. “You stinker, you tricked me!”

He rolled his eyes again, and made a ‘who cares’ gesture. “So did you?”

“Point taken.” I whispered.

“So it’s my turn again.” Levi looked unusually cautious. “What happened before the Berners?”

I closed my eyes, unsure of how to respond for a moment. Levi noticed. 

“Hanji?” He sounded concerned.

“I… told you about my dad, right?” I cracked an eye to see Levi nod before shutting it again. “I lived with him during middle school. Before that, I lived in an abusive foster home. It wasn’t… abusive the way the Berner parents were. They were neglectful. Very neglectful. I can’t even remember what their faces looked like even though I lived with them for over ten years, simply because of how little I saw them.” 

I felt Levi’s hand reach out and run through my messy hair, his fingers getting caught in a knot halfway down. My eyes opened as his other hand joined the first and began to untangle it. 

“I’m so sorry Hanji.”

“Why? It’s not your fault.” 

He sighed. “That doesn’t mean I can’t feel sorry. Nobody should have to go through that, much less someone as kind-hearted as you are.”

Heat rose in my cheeks. “Th—thank you.”

He just hummed.

Silence stretched between us as Levi continued to play with my hair. I couldn’t help but think of everything else those hands had done; the things I’d seen them doing in the photos on tv. They were so gentle though. I could hardly believe they were the same hands, belonging to the same person. Before my mind could wander further, I spoke.

“You know, we will have to talk about everything that was said before you ran out the other day.” 

His hands immediately stilled, freezing before dropping away completely.

“I know. We don’t have to do it now, do we?” He couldn’t meet my eyes.

“Well, I guess not. I just figured you’d want to do it without your grandparents hanging around.”

“You’re probably right.” He stared at his hands where they rested atop the blankets.

“I…” Levi began, only to trail off, chuckling mirthlessly. “I don’t really know what to say, aside from everything I said was true. I… I can’t say anything else.” He brought his hands up to cover his eyes.

“Hey, you don’t have to say anything. It’s alright if you’re not ready.” 

He nodded. My hand slid under the covers to rest on his bare ankle, and I gently rubbed it, the fine hair on his legs tickling my fingers.

“I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t apologize. You had nothing to do with it.” He said firmly.

I repeated his words from earlier back to him. “I know, but that doesn’t mean I can’t feel sorry that you went through that.” I paused, unsure of how to continue without hurting him more down the road.

“You’re really amazing, you know? Not everybody could live through the things you have.” 

I hadn’t wanted to encourage any feelings on his part, but the way his eyes brightened told me I’d failed. 

He laughed quietly. “I could say the same about you. To be brutally honest Hanji, you inspire me.”

Once again, the blood rushed to my face and I could tell it wouldn’t leave for a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry about the quality on this one y'all. I feel like it's worse than the chapters I've written previously. It's been a hell of a time since I posted last, just with school, work, and my mental health (physical health too, but mostly mental). 
> 
> Just as a note, I'll be participating in NaNoWriMo, so there might not be an update till the end of November. I'll try to get another out though mid-month. If any of y'all are participating too, would you like to be writing buddies? Let me know, either in the comments or on tumblr, cause that'd be awesome.
> 
> Any feedback is always appreciated!
> 
> Y'all take care.


	18. December 19th: The Return

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tie a noose around your mind  
> Loose enough to breath fine, and tie it  
> To a tree, tell it  
> You belong to me, this ain't a noose  
> This is a leash and I have news for you  
> You must obey me!
> 
> Holding On to You – Twenty One Pilots

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's not dead? 
> 
> Me!
> 
> I am so, so sorry for how long this took. Life has been… quite dramatic… since I last updated. I’m not gonna go into it here and burden y'all with everything, but to summarize, it's been a rough 6 months. Anyway. I have done almost no writing since I did chapter 17, and so this one is short and fluffy, just to get myself back into the swing of things. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy.

December 19: Wednesday

Grandpa wrapped Levi and I both in a tight hug the moment we made it back to the apartment with tears sparkling in his eyes as he squished our faces into the itchy wool of his horrendously ugly holiday sweater. Grandmeré had stood behind him with a soft smile gracing her mouth that contrasted harshly with the steely glare in her eyes. Many more hugs later, Grandpa finally let go only to grip Levi firmly by the shoulders and order him to never run away again. Levi frowned at that.

“I didn’t ‘run away’ Grandpa; I’m not twelve anymore. I just went for a walk to clear my head. It’s not my fault I got stuck in a snow storm and couldn’t come back.”

“Well, next time, use your _fichue_ brains and take your cellular device with you.” Grandpa gave Levi’s shoulder a little shake. “You had your grandmother and I worried sick.”

Levi rolled his eyes but his frown softened in understanding. “You know; you can just call it a cell…”

“Preposterous. Much too confusing.” Grandpa waved his hands flippantly, taking a moment to subtly wipe his eyes. 

Grandmeré cut in before anyone could continue. “I’ve got a salad prepared for lunch. I hope you both are hungry.” Her voice was unusually flat, although her smile had grown larger.

Levi muffled a yawn with his fist. “Mind if I take a nap and eat later? It’s been an exhausting few days.” Without waiting for an answer, he slowly walked into his room and shut the door behind him.

With him gone, the tension Grandmeré radiated into the room dropped to a more comfortable level and the glare faded from her eyes. I shot her a questioning look, but she just shook her head mutely and gave a quick, sad smile.

Grandpa clapped his hands together and rubbed them excitedly, causing the red and green pom-poms dangling from the sleeves of his sweater to wiggle back and forth. “So, shall we eat?”

“You sure you don’t want to wait for Levi…?” I felt weird leaving him out after everything that had happened over the past few days.

“When that boy naps, he sleeps for hours. We’ll eat dinner with him,” Grandmeré ushered me to the table and began serving an impressive salmon salad. 

Lunch was a quiet affair, the only sound being our forks tapping against the plates. At one point, Grandmeré started to ask about Levi’s weekend, but she quickly shut up when I gave her a look. I stabbed at a chunk of salmon with more force than necessary. As beautiful as lunch looked, I couldn’t taste it. After attempting to eat one more bite, I finally gave up.

“It was delicious, thanks,” I said quietly as I stood. I gathered my dishes and scraped my salad into the trash. Levi had told me before that tea made everything more bearable, so I was determined to test that theory. After fishing out two mugs from the cabinet and grabbing the least nasty sounding tea I could find, I paused. I had yet to see anyone make tea before. It couldn’t be that hard though, right? 

I filled the mugs with water from the sink, added a few spoonful’s of leaves to each, and placed them both in the microwave for 5 minutes. As I waited, I fished out my phone. My fingers flew across the keypad as I quickly fired off a text to Moblit, letting him know I was back at the apartment safe and sound. I’d been keeping him updated on what was going on, leaving out Levi’s personal details, of course. He’d been panicked, as per his usual. 

When the tea finished, I grabbed the mugs and crept towards my room, hoping that Levi’s grandparents didn’t catch me. The bedroom door was unlocked, although the lights were off and the curtains were pulled tightly shut. I could just barely see the outline of Levi’s shoulders under the thick comforter. Tiptoeing over, I set the mug down on the end table and made it halfway back to the door before Levi propped himself up with a groan. 

“I smell tea,” he muttered, smacking his lips a little and rubbing at his flattened hair. 

I cleared my throat. “Yeah, uh. I was making myself some, and figured… you might want some too?”

Levi muttered a thanks and eagerly brought the mug to his lips and sipped, before slowly setting it back down. “Hanji,” he gave me a flat stare. “This… concoction… is nothing short of toxic. Even Lipton, _Liption_ , is less vile.” 

He gingerly slipped out of bed and wrapped me into a hug. “The thought though, is very very sweet. Now,” he stepped back and laced a hand with mine. “I’m gonna teach you how to make tea properly.”

My brain short-circuited as he pulled me towards the kitchen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So while I was gone on my unintentional haitus, Psychiatrist turned a year old!! Thank you all, so so much, to for all of the kind words and encouragement you've given me, both here and on tumblr!
> 
> Also, I’m enabling anon comments. I’d initially disabled it because I was a little nervous that there’d be a lot of people unhappy with what I’ve done with this story and then once I got to a point where I didn’t care, I’d forgotten to turn them back on.
> 
> ALSO! I’m moving all my SNK fics under my pseud, Melpomene (conspiracy_of_ravens). I really like the organization, plus it sort of works because most of my SNK fics are super angsty (or will be *evil laughter*) and Melpomene is the Greek Muse of tragedy. It’s also a pun involving my name and I’m a sucker for puns so I couldn’t stop myself. I am weak. OTL


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